Saturday, March 31, 2012

Child-like Curtain~ unabashed existence

photo taken by VeganBeats~
     Until we're in the public eye, and older, we're true to ourselves, honest, unbridled by external "judgement"- we're child-like. Sitting on stage behind a heavy velvet curtain, hearing mumbles just on the other side. How honest will we be once that curtain rolls down the brass hanger? 
     When you pull the curtain to the side, just a little bit- immense vulnerability can wash over you. It's always much deeper than the precise instant or event, a history of events forcing its way through this tiny gate.  No matter how high your self-esteem or great your level on confidence is, outward judgement does make some scratches in our surface. 
     This thought of genuine being has been brushing over my mind for years, could argue decades now. I recall once back in sixth grade I stated that I act differently when with certain people and a peer said I was the "fakest person around." It deeply bothered me, but it was my being honest. Owning a fact that I observed in my behavior. Who doesn't change just a bit due to their environment, people being a part of that? It isn't fake, it's adaptation. 
     Hopefully at a certain junction in one's life, there is a peace that is reached, peace with oneself. Keeping some parts of yourself hidden is some sort of protection or concentration, not allowing all of you to be present has some sort of reasoning behind it, therefor...aren't you always yourself? Unless you are actively putting energy into taking on a different persona, you are in essence, you. 
     I am concerned more with being able to be who you are, free of fear or concern of external judgement. The ability to be you without feeling the need (subconscious or actively) to hinder or chain in parts of you. 
     On a walking reflection I crossed paths with a child who was in his own world. Unabashed by my presence, he continued to sing to himself, do full on robotic role-plays and just be. I can recollect times in my childhood where I was so invested in my interests and my pleasures that the idea of being embarrassed didn't even shine on any distant horizon. The concept of not doing "me" was incomprehensible. I have always been a very creative/'head-in-the-clouds'/imaginative person, I lived in my dreams, and wonder where I'm living now. It's ironic that as children we are told by adults/society/peers that we must grow up, grow more responsible and aware of our surroundings...and in so, confine to them. Then as we grow, we look back on our childhood wishing we could go back. A child-like presence and innocent ignorance is left desired. 
     I want to play and not feel any amount of concern on how others will interpret my child-like state of being. Whether of not others are scrutinizing my behavior is completely internal, my presence may be no bearing on any one's daily life...but parts of my hinder my child-like expressions, notions, and behaviors. As I age, as most people age...we reflect and sometimes wish we did things differently. I hold no regrets, only desires...I want to be unabashed and be... when that curtain opens, I don't want to feel or be any different. 
photo taken by VeganBeats~

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