Bye Binger~

Binger baby~ photo taken by VeganBeats

hey babes~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Back in 2009 I got a brilliant being introduced to my life. He was shy, beaten, blinded, thin, and needing a lot of love. I got him back in Vermont after a road trip with space, whilst there was tension, we drove into a grimy neighborhood and anxiously walking through the rusted fence. As the gate creaked, booming barks escaped the disheveled condo. I balled my fists, felt Space behind me, nerves calmed and I banged on the door. I tired person jarred open the door, barked at me with her dogs and guided me up a messy staircase to a cage placed in a corner, underneath bags of lizard and bird pellets, and moldy dog bones. There, underneath a rotting wooden tunnel and among soiled bedding was my baby, Binger.

Sleepy Binger~ photo taken by VeganBeats~

Heya!! Photo taken by VeganBeats

Yo~ photo taken by VeganBeats

"Mom!!! Hi!"~ photo taken by VeganBeats

years ago~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     The moment I picked him up, he shivered and cried, and my heart wrapped right there around him. One of his eyes was knocked slightly blind and he was painfully thin. We all drove home and I introduced this little guy to actual food. At first he backed away from it, unsure what this strange green thing was. He was scared of fruits and vegetables, and refused to leave out from underneath his tunnel. Months went on and he was still scared. I let him be outside on my back porch with my small vegetable garden. He managed to will enough courage to eat all of my parsley and cilantro...the fear was broken. 

photo taken by VeganBeats

     Since then, he gained weight, grew social, was curious, purred, snuggled up with anyone that picked him up. He loved Space, cooing at him and running all over him while he was reading or pounding away on a keyboard. For me, he nuzzled up to my face, curled into my chest and stomach; talking about his veggie-filled day. He'd follow me around my apartment, screaming at me to slow down.
     When Space left, Binger met me with laughter and smiles and a constant source of kisses and snuggling. Whenever I was down, he'd go the extra mile to get out of his cage and would snuggle me. He was playful and always providing me with care and company.

a little angel~ photo taken by BroBeats

     Soon after I found myself standing alone in the universe, stripped of all my stars and planets, all the galaxies and silverlinings...one remained, he stayed by me. Binger and I were together, living, breathing, sleeping, being. That year (end of 2009-2010) Binger stuck by me; was my safety net, my best friend, son, roommate, bed-mate, my confidant. He was the last soul I saw before China, the first being I ate with when I returned.
     Through traumas and the most testing period of my life, Binger was the safe face, the source of love and, the hug I could count on. When my universe completely collapsed, Binger was by my side as I sobbed and died a thousand times over. He loved me when I didn't shower for weeks, couldn't muster anything besides a whimper, and was more than lost.

sleepy boy~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     He moved with me to my parent's house, and still with my tears and upset, it was Binger. I'd wake up and share my morning coffee with him laid out in my lap, go to one job and return to him talking and asking about my day, job again, and whenever I did return, he was there to welcome me. He was the last soul I shared my bed with before coming to Korea. He was a skype date; the little one to remember me whenever I called, spoke to him, or walked through my parent's doors. He never forgot me, and I will never forget him.
    Binger, you were more than a guinea pig, more than a pet..you are my baby, my best friend, my kid, my safety, my love, and the rock that kept me grounded~ whenever I was floating away.

Thank you Binger...for giving me life when I felt as if mine was ending...

RIP Binger~ photo taken by BroBeats

Rest in Peace my little nugget~ 2012/12/22

VeganBeats back Stateside: Rushing around and Bumbling through Brooklyn

     As most people and crew know, I wandered my way stateside for a best friend's wedding (CONGRATULATIONS LOVERS) but while doing so, I invested a lot of emotions and parts work into the trip. The trip was very tightly scheduled and within it, involved traveling all around...but I was ready, and am so glad I did it all.
     I took American Airlines most of the way, and despite rumors of no more veggie meals, they were somewhat accommodating. They came up with some pretty horrid ideas of veggie meals (cucumber, kiwi, butter soggy sandos?!~) I did start my first flight on Japanese airlines and their vegan meal was surprisingly good. I got a green salad with carrots, daikon, spring greens, and a few cherry tomatoes and a simple balsamic redux dressing  the main was a pumpkin, zucchini, carrot, and onion curry served with turmeric rice and peas, and a spicy tomato eggplant jalfrezi. This was served up with a side of two chapati/pita and the dessert was a raw coconut, apple, apricot bar! HELL yeah vegan jams!

Japanese air Vegan meal~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     As soon as I landed, I booked it home for a quick shower and buzzed to The Melting Pot for Nichole's bachelorette party. I honestly wasn't up for eating (and fondue just doesn't get me sassy) and felt vodka was a smarter choice. I asked for a cranberry vodka and got a giant glass of cranberry flavored vodka. Swirling about later I managed to make a couple dozen decorative bows for the wedding.
     The next day (Sunday) was family jams. I made three different types of hummus and one bean dip while my mom made roasted pumpkin, a Japanese soba noodle salad, and mandu soup. Vegan jams for the WIN! Even in pictorial absence, there was a feast prepped and I so wish the wedding was towards the end of the week...lady stress aside and implied insecurities fully owned~ how can I enjoy feasts when I've got a dress to snuggle into at the end of the week?

veggie platter...photo taken by VeganBeats

     Oh~ minor MAJOR detail, my boy Binger~ he remembered me! The little old man full of creaky knees, a foggy eye, digestive struggles, started chatting away the moment I opened the door. He's an old one but still a pup. I'd be lying if I didn't say he was someone I was BEYOND pumped to spend some mama baby time with! 

heya mama~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Seriously, the second I put him on my chest he stretched out and caught me up on the past year of shenanigans and trouble he's been getting into. Too bad he tired himself out!

sweepy~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     The next couple days was all about finding my ground, getting some rooting in, getting my head back on, reconnecting with positivity, and understanding what it is that I love and need to maintain a pleasant, positive, and productive state of being. Monday began with a blinded sprint through South Station to settle a spot via FungWah to New York ($15.00 to NY from Boston!). I was going to kick it with some Bearquarium loves and I was all too eager to get to NY as fast as possible. BUT 20 minutes outside of South Station, just over the Mass border these horrendous sounds started rumbling in the bass of the bus. Smoke started to billow out and angry hisses erupted out of the bus's sides, it started to slow and the heaviness started to hint in my chest.
      On the side of the highway, half a bus full of people sat seeing hundred of cars wiz by, free of complications. I've only read about the failed FungWah missions, and after taking it for nearly a decade and well over a dozen times, this was a first. After an hour, another bus came and picked us up and this one, bus number two, broke down three separate times on the way to New York.
     I arrived and Towsky just began his class, I hailed a cab after walking a couple blocks (cabs are a plenty...but only in Seoul). I stumbled into a bar, interrupted a class and was presented a strong cranberry vodka (this time WITH juice). Filled with giddiness and genuine excitement about actually sitting NEXT to Towsky, I got far drunker than intended (thanks Professor). I blame my roadster rush into inebriation on BQ love! Once class wrapped up, we headed back to Towsky's and I explored my home for the next two nights. I've only seen Towsky's place via skype and if it was impressive then~ in person it's insane! My favorite part was his indoor greenhouse, goji berries, basil, avocado tree, greens...grahhhhhhhhh.

garden glory~ photo taken by VeganBeats

      After a bit we linked up with Spy and went for a wander around Brooklyn. We stumbled (literally) into a park and started climbing trees (pics later...maybe) and everything felt so balanced. The bliss and content that used to be a big part of my life was surrounding me. (whine: I love my friends here, but I really miss BQ) I was feeling...good, great, at peace. These things have been so clearly and loudly missing from my life here. 

by our park~ photo taken by VeganBeats

      After putting monkeys to shame and getting swirlier than intended, I skipped back home and Towsky, Spy, and I shared a few bottles of wine, laughs, stories, and still...peace. I passed out earlier than intended and woke up at 7!! Towsky conveniently woke up and there were two options; deal with our spinning hangovers sleeping OR throwing on waterproof clothing, sneakers, and hitting the dewy morning on bikes!
     We were both in this world of disbelief. I haven't seen Towsky in years, and though Skype has been brilliant, physical presence is a world of difference. Is this a dream?
     Towsky is now gluten-free and more than accommodating to vegan jams (you are kind of stuck with me ya) and he found Sun In Bloom, a gluten free, raw, and vegan restaurant. (facebook page)

You see these types of signs...all over NY~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     I'm not a breakfast lady but how often am in New York?! How often can I eat a raw meal with a BQ crew bud?
     Phbbbt~ and game~ Towsky got a chia seed almond milk that was nearly pudding. Kissed with cinnamon and coconut, thick and creamy, this drink was pure energy and bliss. It was rather pricey though, but recreation is a mission worth getting on~

chia seed almond milk~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     For a main, he got the Bloom Burger as a salad ($9.25). This is a live burger (nothing is cooked) made up of tomato, basil, caramelized onions and assorted seeds and such. It was served with cabbage, lettuce, with a Live sunflower dill dressing. The dressing was a bit too sweet for me, and I can't help myself, I want sriracha on EVERYTHING.

Towsky's dish~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     I got a Rueben Special as a salad ($9.25), which was marinated tempeh with house made raw sauerkraut and a live creamy Russian dressing. It was served on a bed of raw cabbage and lettuce and dusted in parsley and black pepper.  This was so good, but I've NEVER had a Reuben before so owning that I have nothing to compare it to. But if this is what they taste like...whoa~

My dish~ photo taken by VeganBeats

      After brunch, Towsky had class and I met up with Spy for more jolls around New York. I foolishly wore GIANT shoes and still trekked the town...eh who needs to feel anything below the ankles right?
     We wandered through all of High Rise Park and in all my times in New York, how could I have missed this? The past visits have involved nightly escapades and shows or swirly mornings...another gracious thanks for getting in some sun and having a New York day. The park is quite brilliant, it was a deserted subway line that runs over several main streets in the city. There are hidden art pieces along the path and cute spots to open up a sketch pad, read a book, binge on coffee, snuggle up with a loved one, or just be.

road view~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     When we got to the end of the park I squealed about wanting to see Lady Liberty and being a great sport, he was game to kick it to the Hudson river.
     The weather was pristine, and I was already glowing and full of all this love and grounding, my appreciation and presence with the world was electrifying me. I was feeling so connected to NY, I really loved it, and my energy was more than above baseline. So many people are out;  awake, running, biking, loving, snuggling, singing- int heir own world's and still interacting in this world, on the river, on the roads. The community is present!! I know Seoul has it's special things too, but there's something really nice about seeing and being with all that activity!
     We wandered to the Freedom Tower (hell yea NY) and we wandered back toward his neighborhood for coffees while waiting for Towsky to get out of class. Whilst binging, I was on mission numero two...VT~ I wanted and planned to kick it with as much of BQ as possible, and I wanted to squeeze it in before Wedding Rehearsal time. I came to discover that the only possible way I could do this was to catch an 8:30 am bus to Burlington and arrive at 4 then to catch the 2am bus BACK to Boston at 7:30am. I did complain and argue with the computer for a bit, but if I was Seoulside, I'm sure I'd be in such a bitter and angry position where hatred would fill my veins. I was frustrated, but...aigo.
     Spy and I got out missions done then met with Towsky for a late dinner...messing up subway lines and getting confused we took longer than planned (Seoul subways...thank you for making sense to me) and by the time we got to his place...like old times, I was interrupting slumbers. Spy juiced up our mission and we whirl-winded out to the chilly streets for another wine and dine mission.
     Oh Towsky's place is even better because there's a Trader Joe's so super close!!! ughghhghghghg I'm a space cadet in Joe's and though I was wine-focused, I started wandering and had to be barked at to get focused...Damn You Joe!!
     A quick wine purchase and we went to Mocha Hookah, a grungey and delicous Mediterranean spot. We got a cute corner booth and still...I can't string enough words together to express my peace. As soon as we sat, we got a generous plate of green olives; oily, briny  just enough sour to draw me in. These fatty morsels are a treat...god damned the dress haunting me in my home.

olives~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Dishes and appetizers were all affordable and the fact that Mediterranean was suggested absolutely tickled me. Making consumption easier for me is not a huge things, but a few people have always gone out of there way to just...help me out. Also, I LOVE going out to eat with these boys, hungry people hell yeah! We got a tabouli salad, LOADED with parsley and light on the bulgur, hummus, babaganoush, a falafel platter (with extra falafel balls), a thick salad (greens for V), pita, and stuffed grape-leaves for Spy. I generally and regrettably kind of despise eating with friends, or in public, or amongst a community. I'm one of those solo-diners, but back in the day, BQ always did family style, and this was just another way to give me a gift of grounding and home. I've savored those meals with the BQ family although I did most of my consumption with Spy. This connection back "home" brought me closer to BQ, safety, acceptance, and clarity.
     How I've missed home...

tabouli~ photo taken by VeagnBeats

family style noms~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Post belly bulging, we scampered back to Towsky's and opened up my new wine and enjoyed my final night in Brooklyn.
     The details of the evenings needn't be explored, I just left feeling a lot of peace, grounding, content, and a better understanding of where and what I want to be. A whole slew of parts were/are talking and this sounds potentially awful and ungrateful of me to say, but for the first time in a really long time, I felt like I was stepping on some ground. I could see a bit clearer and I felt warm, safe...I was happy, I was present, and I wasn't stressing. I was joking around, feeling light-hearted, ate a huge meal and was good with it. All this comfort and "home" I used to feel was visiting me. My parts have been waiting for it and embraced these very comforting emotions willingly, almost hungrily. It felt as if these parts have been missing, left behind, taken...and we were rejoined, just for a bit, but I think I can see the ground, or make out a hemisphere...
     I feel so much better now that I've interacted with these parts again, I do feel like I've carried some of them back with me...but I'll get into this later.

Until later~

Sun In Bloom:
Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner & Weekend Brunch
Hours: 8:30am-9pm {M,T,W,Th,F} Weekend~ 10am-5pm
Address: 460 Bergen Street Brooklyn, NY 11217
Phone #: (718) 622-4304
E-mail: info@suninbloom.com
Facebook Page

Mocha Hookah:
Hours: 9am-midnight Everyday
Address: 183 Atlantic Ave Brooklyn, NY 11201
between Court and Clinton St
Phone #: (718) 624-6764
E-mail: info@mochahookah.com
Facebook Page

Binger

love of my life~ and he remembered me! When I scooped this little guy up, he sniffed around and startler squeling away and stretched his little body out and snuggled into me...chatting away!

I missed this guy.

photo taken by VeganBeats

    Binger is a little old man now, all loose skin and fragile bones, but still has a heavy little tubboat body. I swear, guinea pigs are just all love and limbs!!

photo taken by VeganBeats

photo taken by VeganBeats

     His eye has gotten hella worse, he's blind or at least mostly blind, but he still has loads of energy. My parents said he was growing more tired, but by the end of my state-siding days, he was chatting up a storm, running around, and doing his turtle dance!!

photo taken by VeganBeats

    Miss my Binger!~

I build the bricks..

My vacation is at the midpoint, halfway over...
What have I done?
Not as much as I physically wish I had done...but not a complete waste...

          I've explored my bus routes, and have created to do's...essentially bus stops full of stores, dingy corners, and steaming aromas....
I've wandered, but mostly done 새희 time, along with a lot of working. An effective, and productive break.
          I've edited and read over 30 essays, snuggled a ton with the kids (my kids, Hamlet and 고구마), caught up on sleep and have done a lot of thinking. Planned thinking, organized head time. I feel like I may be in a slightly clearer space, I have allowed and embraced the internalizations as opposed to them building up and overwhelming whatever it is I am doing or may be involved in. I don't have to "rebalance" myself in order to be...pleasant in school, or on point. There's no obligation to wake up and do anything, not that I welcome laziness...or what I am allowing myself to waste my days and hours...
As opposed to the constant dissociation, or mental ignorance, there's no explosion and overwhelming pressure of ideas and frustrations. This week has so far, allowed me to fully explore my parts. Instead of rushing myself to get out of sadness or happiness, I am giving pardon to really feeling them out.
          My sleep patterns have always been horrible, and are more skewed. I make an ardent effort and mental goal to go to sleep early, get a full nights rest, but I promise myself that every night, and it rolls around to 5am and I'm still wide awake.
          A general haze exists throughout my day and more so at night. I am aware in many ways of everything that I am doing, but a concept of time barely connects to me. I used to be obsessively punctual, extremely detailed...planned myself by the second, Korea time. I say I will be somewhere in an hour, turns to 2, "in a bit" is now an hour...being late used to drive me up a wall. So anal, so rigid. I remember gritting my teeth till my gums bled when I was late, getting my stomach so knotted up if I was close to being late...In many ways it's good that I am not so hard on myself about this, but I cannto deny that I detest how my punctuality is slipping. It's unprofessional, irresponsible, and...to me it is a direct reflection of laziness, sloppiness, and..my "letting myself go."
          I've become more sloth-like, slower, softer..this makes me insanely uncomfortable. I need to get more organized. I am very much thankful for this vacation, but my manager and stict-shit parts are very displeased with the "gentle-ness" I have granted myself. This relaxation has taken a toll on my body, mentally it's in a better place, in terms of allowing emotions to exist, but there's the whole mental slashing, and the physical effects.

photo taken by VeganBeats

          For many reasons, being in my head is both beneficial and toxic...I know I am a strong woman, powerful and driven...and those qualities are ones I am proud of, but also wish would tone down a bit. As cliche as it is, the self being the worst enemy is true...Those self-critical parts are the ones that easily convince all my other parts that I should stay in, not be social, not be seen. They drive and support the self-conscious parts, the insecure parts. A tailspin, whirlwind, plunging effect...I've explored the patterns and patterns my parts explore...
          Before meeting with people, crew or family...I go through all of these parts. A meek and very true excuse for why I am no longer punctual. I have to go through this entire process in order to be balanced again.
          Which leads to the sensitivity piece...it takes a while for me to get balanced again, so other's self-conscious/negative/critical expressions easily trigger things. I wish I could dissociate from them (the statements), but I'm only able to dissociate from the feelings in my own self, the statements made by others come too quickly, I can't prepare to ignore them, or let them slide. I can feel very secure and grounded, but it is only a feeling. I need to not speed through the whole grounding process, I must learn how to effectively and efficiently ground myself, secure the steadiness. I put pressure on myself and feel obligated to rush, and it doesn't always happen, but once in a while, the quickness of thise allows for a higher potential of getting into my head a bit too much and getting off-kiltered. Another piece of laziness.
"Be healthily selfish. Take care of the self. Do what is best and necessary for you." I voice these often to those I love and care for, but never do I allow myself to take this advice, or listen to these mantras...do I love or care for myself. I say yes, I say I do, but do I actually.
         
I'm going off...I need my camera, I need to take pictures, and I need to get out of my house.

I am aware of what I "need" to do...it's the letting myself do them that is a series of obstacles. The only barrier in front of me is the one I keep adding bricks to.

       

Seoul's around the bend

I'm starting to enjoy this place, this whole Mass deal. Kicking it with some wonderful people, sharing my time with brilliant souls...I'm pumped, more than excited, but I wouldn't mind having a few extra days or weeks here. I want to feel things out, get to strengthen these friendships more.

And spend more time with Binger. I've been working so much and not hanging out with him as much....and I can't bring him with me to Seoul. )O:

photo taken by VeganBeats

I wish I could bring my baby with me....

Seoul, by the way, is 3 days away...