Friday, November 15, 2013

Brief Reflection...if you want a peppy post, this ain't it...

    As much growth as I've "achieved" throughout my life, and all the awareness and genuine intimacy I've developed...the disorders and drawbacks of my 12-20 year old self/parts are hooked onto/into/within me. It's as if they've been there for so long that my flesh has grown over, into, and around them; securing their position. They've been a part of me for over a decade now, and when I get to the summit of any goal...they're the avalanche or the infection in my toes that causes me to lose footing, give up, or do the adolescent thing and crumble into a thick slab of tears.
     I am so deeply disturbed by images of myself, captures of this heavily flawed and grotesque figure. One that will never be satisfying or worthy...always too much of something, never too little, excessive, always. I'm well aware of my positive traits and am very grateful that they are present and who I am, without them~ there'd be no balance, no reason to keep my head looking forward. I simply love...someday, maybe it'll be myself that's a part of that but caring for the creatures and beings around me...that keeps me afloat.
    An anchor is tied to my buoy though...the disappointment and abuse or lack of consideration by others does yank me down underwater. Below, I can't breath and my hateful parts have fuel; feed to give their throats vibrations where the hatred and scorn they so desperately need to express can vibrate perfectly. My love for others is also the fuel that feeds the continuous discourse of others maybe but truly, in myself.
    I am aware though, very much so that the compliments and loving words offered and provided by friends and my partner are genuine. They are true and honest to them, I trust them with their expressions. I wish I could swallow the lot of them and let those words fuel and feed my confidence to a point where it's strong enough to carve out these hooks and really tell those awful parts off. Self assurance and confidence has had a lot of's getting stronger, parts of it. As if the neck is getting powerful enough to tighten the ligaments and tendons and lift it's head up...once every so often.
    I'm too concerned with others doubts about me, or their truly doesn't matter but I see my concerns as being reflections of myself. I fear others as not being genuine, being deceitful, cruel, hard-hearted, and scheming against me. Once a bullied kid...
     Being that I fear those qualities in others, I seem to be overly concerned that people I do care about feel that I myself am like that. That I am scheming, fake, dishonest, inconsiderate, etc.

    what a strange world I live in...

I'm constantly reflecting and trying to understand myself...and I know I get it, but this map in my psyche is infinitely leveled beyond intricate. By the time I can describe it, I'll be rotting.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Scratching in hot tears...

    I've been going through a lot of different feelings and emotional states over the past couple weeks...months~
    My mom and partner's parents rolled through and I loved a lot of it...but definitely strained myself a bit. I spent the mornings working with my mom (or upset about my mom), then went to teach all day, then would meet with the partner's rents...which I loved. I LOVED the's just I would return home and work for Varyd and ended up TOTALLY neglecting sleep, my girls and my "me" time. I don't sleep very much anyways...but with a lot more exertion, I found myself self so energy deprived.
   On top of the hustle around Korea and parts I had to call into play...I was eating great...TOO great. I've eaten more food than I usually ever do and now I feel it sticking itself to my sides and stomache, it's hanging all over my body. These daemons never part...body hatred and disgust is at an all time high.
dream taken by Veganbeats
     It's this process I'm very aware of and uncontrollably intimate to, I saw myself doing my tasks and being "productive" but at the expense of my parts and myself. I could feel my emotions and parts requesting attention, a break, a place to speak, and I silenced them. These parts grew louder and louder...and my continuing disregard for them made me numb...and beyond vulnerable and disheartened. I found myself releasing empty tears, hollow chested and shoulder curling hot tears would just wrap around my face and I would avoid addressing them. I had to wipe them away quickly and do my tasks...I ignored myself and my needs to kept with the expectations others had around me.

    Parents have left, catalog is wrapped up...I'm still scratching for some ground. I've been heavily in my head and have had some horrendous nightmares that are placing me in an area of feeling victimized...again. My fear of men, male strangers is even stronger and...the past week has involved already two street harassments and potentially dangerous situations. I will not dumb them down, but in the state and place I've been in, my fear is elevated and anger stinging.

     I've been focusing on the hurt and let down as well. There are people, some HUGE people in my life that drastically contributed to my existence...and I feel as if I matter not a thing to them. I've reached out to one...two I can pinpoint and have gotten no response, nothing.
    Did I mean nothing to them (him)? Did I fabricate the entire bond and relationship? Have I always meant nothing? Did it maybe never happen? Did I hallucinate the entirety? Will it happen again?
    Will my partner now someday...forget me? Will I not even be a distant memory? Why do I mean nothing? Am I not worth the time or second of thought? Am I that awful a person? Did I hurt you? Am I an ugly part of your life? Do you regret me? Are you ashamed? Was my mother right?

    I have no idea where these parts are coming from...a place of sadness, loss, desperation?

There's no room to rest and relax...closed eyes bring back horrendous memories and traumas, time alone leaves me focused and reflecting on worthlessness and self-hatred, time with my partner brings on so much love and joy and genuine happiness...when he sleeps my mind goes nuts...this is all...I fear I'm losing touch with so many different areas of my life, there is necessary closure...and acceptance. If not for the situations that have occurred, for myself.