Introducing my newest addition~

     I can't even believe this is real...

     Y'all are well aware of my piggy status, forget the "crazy cat human"....I'm the guinea pig gal! I have three ladies currently but the history of my piggy-ness goes back to Squeaky, and my dad.
     My family was always, ALWAYS chatting and discussing raising a dog...so every week, we would borrow dog breed VHS s learning about all sorts of dog breeds. We would circle around the tv, dreaming out loud of what we would do with our dog.  Forget that my mom is scared of dogs and whelps when anything with four legs paddles by her...we were dreaming.
    As a way to "prepare" my brother and I for a dog, my dad brought up guinea pigs, he grew up with them and said they're easy and low maintenance. My mom hooked us up with a litter that needed to be rescued and...my god. When we went to the womyn's house...the brought us out into a gated backyard, full of flowers, a giant lazy cat, and a koi pond...within a  few minutes...a messy haired ball scurries by and following it are four teeny tufts of hair. Three were black and white, and one was caramel brown and white, that was my Squeaky. They were Abyssinians (my favorite breed of pig, they look like they've been licked by a thousand cows) and the connection began.
    We never transitioned to dogs...and I've been rescuing piggies since then (since I was 8, yikes!)

    What am I getting at now? 

     I've always dreamed of having a dog, raising it and loving it...walking around with it. I've pet sat since I was a tween and get my puppy and kitten fix doing that, but I still dreamed of rescuing my own little babe.

    After two decades of dreaming...I introduce to you all....

Kuma, my little wolfie bear~ photo taken by VeganBeats

   

Kuma!!!!


     He is only five weeks old (I know, really young) but he got here on special  because Chris, (his brother) found a home and a courier was set...so they were both rushed to me. Fostering Chris was awesome, though heart breaking...fostering is hard, especially when it's time to say "move forward, lovely one". Chris will soon be home with his family, but Kuma's little brother, William, still needs a home.

     I am beyond blissfully happy and will keep y'all posted with his growth! You can also follow THIS PAGE to get updates and such. If you, or anyone you know would be interested in adopting William, please do inquire. Email: savingfurbabies@gmail.com
     We can organize international adoptions as well...

Kuma and Chris on my hand-made dog pillow! ~photo taken by VeganBeats~

snuggling brothers, Chris and Kuma~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Anyways..

sending love and life!~ xxx

Guilty Ghost

     I've become ghost...a lonely and insecure, highly sensitive, and emotionally vulnerable ghost. I've gotten to a point where I have completely forgotten how to socialize and am so anxious about the very idea of it...that I bail on risking the chance of getting turned down. I feel like making friends is running around in the dating world. Everyone has their "partner(s)" and is quite happy with theirs significant other(s) OR that I've burnt out old flings and they've moved far beyond entertaining sharing time with me.
     I've substituted going out with simmering in my loneliness and self-hatred...I'm boiling and sloshing into the hodge-podge of constantly feeling rejected, turned away, hated, and like an "after thought." I am so tired....
     My mind is dwindling in constant whirlwinds of negativity and I am bullying myself...before making the call or reaching out to someone...I throw down the towel and assume that I'll be slapped in the face.

    I don't know what to do.

     I hear that I'm hard to be around (mostly because of my depression and negativity) and I KNOW this. I am with myself ALL DAY and EVERYDAY and I HATE myself. I am so uncomfortable with who and what I am...and being constantly belittled and scorned for being half just...it's grinding me down and my already nonexistent self "confidence" is in the negative axis...x AND y.

     I wish I could be happier and I am trying...I messaged some friends and called people to make plans.

     One cancelled last minute, another is too busy...my partner is bored of me. I'm feeling so sad and lost...and I don't know what to do or where to go...or how to be. I go to work...that's my socializing. I play with my students and laugh and giggle and make an ASS of myself...their laughter and genuinity keeps me up...or at least preoccupied for a bit. But once I'm alone, and with myself~ I get it.

    I preform at Wordsmiths once a month...that's wonderful and I socialize. But I'm so nervous about how to physically organize myself, I'm barren and honest and crying on stage...naked even.

     How do I make friends and build relationships?

photo taken by VeganBeats

      How do I make friends with people and stop being "not enough"...if my being with myself is so draining? I feel too guilty to be with others...

    I'm sorry to unload this...I'm trying to feel better and BE better...I wish I could simply wake up, better.

veganbeats

   

Starting day three: The Master Cleanse

    So, I haven't been updating...sorry~

     I've been keeping myself as busy as possible because...this challenge is affecting me in a rather emotionally vulnerable way (differently from the first time!). I've had essentially no hunger cravings and the detox has been a breeze thus far, but I'm doing it with my partner. For a first cleanse, this one is hella intense.

Anyways, day one~ super easy, not much of an issue at all. Came home, drank my tea...sleep...done! I've been very VERY emotional and my sensitivity has sky-rocketed...BUT this has a LOT to do with the events of this past weekend.

Back story~~~
    My mom owns a accessory store in Boston and every so often, I will be stocking up her inventory. Saturday was that day~ I woke up hella early and got all the inventory then traveled to my Emo's clinic to give her the stuff. After placing electrical needles on my face, she put barely-there bandages on my face to help my burnt skin heal. I've been going a little bit nuts over heavy-face-scrutiny.
     I bid my Emo farewell with a cloak of insecurity and discomfort, these bandages look like ogre warts in my mind. It was maybe 2 in the afternoon and the day was far from over. I had to choose between go home (and probably be destructive) OR get my hair cut and colored. I went with the hair chair and ugh~ this set me off.
   I've been bleaching my hair for a while now and the last mission left my hair pretty destroyed. I was inpatient, made an extremely strong solution, end ended up burning a lot of hair RIGHT OFF!! My stylist decided to give me a "shaggy" look and do a ton of layers. I was trying to breath. He gave me bangs.

I HATE BANGS

    Then he was going on about the cute "shaggy" style. This word...it crushes me. I wasn't the richest kid as a youngin and I got called a scrub a lot...A LOT. I was teased and bullied and ridiculed...and I hated every single damned day of school. I slapped on a smile and fought through fiery tears, everyday for years. To me, for me, shaggy is associated with scrubby, poor, messy, sloppy, gross...it just triggers a mountain of insecurity. 

    And he kept using the damned word to describe ME. 

    Then, he colored it. My roots were awful and he decided to highlight and low-light my locks. After one dyeing round, the low-lights were nonexistent. So, he decided to do it again. 

He colored my hair grey. 

    I've already been sitting in the chair, staring at my fucking mug for over three hours now and the tears were rushing at my eyes with such aggressive force and my damn-eyes were about to break. I have such a difficult time looking at my reflection...and I was doing so for hours on end. I could feel my body screaming and my daemons shrieking. He was speaking, I was feeling heavier. 

     I told him my hair was grey and he tried to debate me for a second then...owned it. Apologized and did some magic and fixed it...but already, so much was built up and triggered that I went to the bathroom and just sobbed. 

    I paid and left and called my buddy and met up with him and a bunch of my other buddies. I wanted to be social and I love my friends, but the entire time, I was thinking about how I looked and how awful and even more ugly I felt. I am so beyond comfortable and I am just...it's broken me up. 

SO~ I've started this cleanse with an extremely broken sense of self-confidence (the teensy bit of it there even was) and am really really upset. I've been crying daily and I don't want to go outside or be seen by anyone. 

    I feel like a scrub. 

Day 2~

     Another easy day in terms of the "hunger" bit. The sensitivity and emotions are haywire though. I hate seeing my students and going to work, being in work. I despise my hair and everything that I look like. I'm really struggling with my physical self. I started crying far too many times today and when I came home, my partner (cleansing himself and reacting differently) wasn't as warm as my marshmallow self was hoping for. 

    More crying... I went to bed early, listened to music and just let my daemons bully me and simmered in the self-hatred. 

     It's now 5 am, and I've spent a large portion of the evening crying and wiping away tears. I've pinched so much of my flaws and really want to sleep all of this away. 

This one is going to be tough, but not because of the lack of food, this is purely and entirely my body dysmorphia, destructive ways, insecurities, and self-hatred. 

There's no where to ignore it, my mind is very clear and very present and dissociating is not possible. 

Here's to the journey and the challenges. 

Goals~Resolutions~Challenges

     Goals...resolutions...challenges~ I'm genuinely both hopeful and apprehensive about the freshly arrived New Year and...I mean, it's only been (now) four days and I already so much has happened. Instead of listing out "resolutions" I want to provide myself with challenges. I am a stubborn and sore loser and like achieving things, so...thinking that challenges will be more likely OWNED when I try to beat myself at my own game. I'm also giving myself quarter year challenges, monthly challenges, and even weekly challenges.

Weekly challenges:
* go on at least one hour long walk, free of headphones, music, or with a schedule.
*workout and use stretch your muscles at least 3 times a week
*try or work on a new yoga pose
*clean the girl's cage...and no excuses
*keep up with the dishes...or it's 5,000 원 in the vaca bank
*work on realism

Monthly challenges:
*complete one art piece, no matter the size or medium...complete one
*put 500,000 원 in the savings account
*call your family
*email your grandparents
*see your family in Korea
*get out of the house and see friends...at least twice

Quarter year challenges:
*have three completed art pieces
*find at least one part of yourself to love
*do one fast/cleanse (total four a year)
*shed 10 seconds off of your mile time
*run one 5K
*learn a new medium, play around with it
*clean up my blog labels!!

They aren't very big or even impressive to most...but...

ugh, One BIG thing I want to work on is finding ways to cherish and love myself. I've been working really hard to keep the daemons on silent and let them do their thing without paying too much attention to them, and sometimes I do such a good job dissociating that I (foolishly) think it's working. I've gone throughout my daily routine, going to work, smiling...etc. And all the while, they're chattering away and whittling away at my (already bleak) self worth and I find myself in the same position at numerous moments throughout the day.

I am brought to tears every time my physical form flashes before me. I want to stop hating myself.

I will learn how to value my characteristics and emotions more and not let them get lost in the misguided and highlighted value in the human form.

Hamlet's loungin~ (Piggy rump!!) photo taken by Veganbeats

Oh~ another plan that's arriving soon!~

Starting on Monday I will be challenging myself to another Master Cleanse....this time though, I will be doing 20 days. I know last time I had to crack at eight...and in the case that I get another scare or mess jazz up, I will challenge my body to it's end and not push it to a point of idiocy!

I'll write about this challenge throughout...WARNING: It may get teensy bits emotional!! haha

loads of love~!

2013 blip~

    2013 has come to a close, and I cannot believe all of the events, challenges, moments, and life I have experienced during it.

    I'm in such a different place from where I was last year. And I am so beyond grateful for the lessons, opportunities, challenges, and connections this year has gifted me with. I'm proud of myself and astounded at all the things I've accomplished, chugged through, and faced head on....even if my tail was between my legs.

photo by Veganbeats

Briefly reflecting, and not in direct order...

*I learned how to snowboard (fall and break a rib or two) and LOVED it.....hell I'm nervous and shaking a lot but...I did it! And I plan on bumbling down some crowded slopes soon!

*I overcame my massive fear of bananas...! (I may get scared again...later on in life...but...hey!)

*I started working with a GREAT team of people that support me and have my back...I actually love going into work now!

*I completed a series of paintings for a restaurant.

*I have had a few commission pieces this year including book illustrations, Christmas prezzies, and a record cover...AND MORE for 2014!!

*I started doing more modeling...nude body paint modeling and actually having fun (LOOK BELOW!)

*I did a fashion show (hahaha)

*I've significantly cut down my gluten intake, and eat raw nearly 80%

*I learned how to pickle watermelon!

*I went BLONDE!!!

*I fought my stubbornness and started going back to therapy again. Genuinely so happy I have...I've been struggling and losing myself so long...and there's a landing spot now. 

*I co-founded and owned a business

*I had a release party for that business

*I met a lot of people through the business and in so, linked up with a few brilliant artists

*I left that business

*I organized a fundraiser, and it went super well!!

*I started writing again, and preformed my pieces at Wordsmith

*I spoke about my rape in a public setting 

*I reclaimed my name

*I fell in love...again! And it has been such a brilliant relationship!! 

*I moved in with Scotty...and it has been full of challenges, but far more laughter and love!

*I wore a bikini....a handful of times

*....in public!!!!

*I went on a hike by myself and did so to disengage from destructive behavior...so rewarding and a BIG step!

*I spoke genuinely and vulnerably to my mother...and we're growing ever better

*Started an excellent safe community with some brilliant leaders (Disruptive Voices)

*Disruptive voices was featured on the Herald and on CNN!

*I learned that taking "me" time and not going out, regardless of friend's asking me to...is totally acceptable and necessary at times

*I started becoming a bit more social

*I lost myself this year and become so dissociated that it scared my old business partner, friends, and my partner....and then myself. (aha...therapy)

*Scott and I did out FIRST collaborative piece...and we've got more to come!

*I've grown comfortable and more open with Scott...I never thought I could trust someone so completely and love someone again so much more dearly!

*I met some new kindred spirits and feel like old souls that I once knew in past lifetimes and adventures

*Scotty and I traveled out of Seoul and we went to beaches and ate like guinea pigs

*I've seen all my girls grow and develop greater more prominent personalities...they are the gift of life

*I almost completed a detox cleanse...and plan on kicking off the year with another one

*I discovered (and got hooked on) goji berries, lemons, and chia seeds

*I started eating breakfast!

*I had stuffed peppers!!

*I've had terrible, awful, eye draining, lung crushing fights...

*I've gone 6 months cut free!

*I significantly decreased alcohol consumption! (Haven't always drank much..but in Korea!!)

*I've been destructive free for 1 week this year (ahhh HELL CHYEA)

*I've worn dresses that fit my body...a handful of times...and in public!!!

*I went to a restaurant with friends!

*Scotty and I spent a couple days in the summer biking around!

*I saw a double rainbow...and it came at a perfect time when work was particularly draining as it layered such a shitty self day

*I conquered another food fear and had a blended drink at Starbucks...WHAT?!?!? 

*I was able to cry in front of my friends

*When I was crying and feeling really in harms way...I was comfortable and strong enough to call a friend

*I've stuck up for myself...to my friends

*I met and shared so many wonderful times with Scotty's family!

*I've gone to bed laughing and I've woken up smiling

*I've stepped away from some friendships that did more harm then good...for myself

*I started making my own popcorn!!

*I'm advocating more for myself and doing things that are better for myself. I'm avoiding places that put myself in a level of discomfort that prohibits me from moving "forward". 

*I go out of my comfort zone to achieve the things I feel will bring me closer to my dreams

*I'm dreaming....a lot

*I introduced Scotty to my family...and brought him to Kimjang!

Lady Deadpool (body paint and photo by Corey) 

Lady Deadpool (body paint and photo by Corey)

    There's so many more challenges I faced and obstacles I overcame...and most of them, I had bloody knees, bruised ankles, and torn pride...but.
     I look forward to the growth and experiences I'll get to call my own or share with countless others and potentially newer faces. I've got a few goals in place...

I'll write up another post in the future...about challenges I will set for myself!

photo by Veganbeats

One is that I'll come back to this blogging world...hell, I missed you!!

xxx

Brief Reflection...if you want a peppy post, this ain't it...

    As much growth as I've "achieved" throughout my life, and all the awareness and genuine intimacy I've developed...the disorders and drawbacks of my 12-20 year old self/parts are hooked onto/into/within me. It's as if they've been there for so long that my flesh has grown over, into, and around them; securing their position. They've been a part of me for over a decade now, and when I get to the summit of any goal...they're the avalanche or the infection in my toes that causes me to lose footing, give up, or do the adolescent thing and crumble into a thick slab of tears.
     I am so deeply disturbed by images of myself, captures of this heavily flawed and grotesque figure. One that will never be satisfying or worthy...always too much of something, never too little, excessive, always. I'm well aware of my positive traits and am very grateful that they are present and who I am, without them~ there'd be no balance, no reason to keep my head looking forward. I simply love...someday, maybe it'll be myself that's a part of that but caring for the creatures and beings around me...that keeps me afloat.
    An anchor is tied to my buoy though...the disappointment and abuse or lack of consideration by others does yank me down underwater. Below, I can't breath and my hateful parts have fuel; feed to give their throats vibrations where the hatred and scorn they so desperately need to express can vibrate perfectly. My love for others is also the fuel that feeds the continuous discourse of disappointment...in others maybe but truly, in myself.
    I am aware though, very much so that the compliments and loving words offered and provided by friends and my partner are genuine. They are true and honest to them, I trust them with their expressions. I wish I could swallow the lot of them and let those words fuel and feed my confidence to a point where it's strong enough to carve out these hooks and really tell those awful parts off. Self assurance and confidence has had a lot of atrophy...it's getting stronger, parts of it. As if the neck is getting powerful enough to tighten the ligaments and tendons and lift it's head up...once every so often.
    I'm too concerned with others doubts about me, or their judgement...it truly doesn't matter but I see my concerns as being reflections of myself. I fear others as not being genuine, being deceitful, cruel, hard-hearted, and scheming against me. Once a bullied kid...
     Being that I fear those qualities in others, I seem to be overly concerned that people I do care about feel that I myself am like that. That I am scheming, fake, dishonest, inconsiderate, etc.

    what a strange world I live in...

I'm constantly reflecting and trying to understand myself...and I know I get it, but this map in my psyche is infinitely leveled beyond intricate. By the time I can describe it, I'll be rotting.

Scratching in hot tears...

    I've been going through a lot of different feelings and emotional states over the past couple weeks...months~
    My mom and partner's parents rolled through and I loved a lot of it...but definitely strained myself a bit. I spent the mornings working with my mom (or upset about my mom), then went to teach all day, then would meet with the partner's rents...which I loved. I LOVED the busyness...it's just I would return home and work for Varyd and ended up TOTALLY neglecting sleep, my girls and my "me" time. I don't sleep very much anyways...but with a lot more exertion, I found myself self so energy deprived.
   On top of the hustle around Korea and parts I had to call into play...I was eating great...TOO great. I've eaten more food than I usually ever do and now I feel it sticking itself to my sides and stomache, it's hanging all over my body. These daemons never part...body hatred and disgust is at an all time high.

dream by...photo taken by Veganbeats

     It's this process I'm very aware of and uncontrollably intimate to, I saw myself doing my tasks and being "productive" but at the expense of my parts and myself. I could feel my emotions and parts requesting attention, a break, a place to speak, and I silenced them. These parts grew louder and louder...and my continuing disregard for them made me numb...and beyond vulnerable and disheartened. I found myself releasing empty tears, hollow chested and shoulder curling hot tears would just wrap around my face and I would avoid addressing them. I had to wipe them away quickly and do my tasks...I ignored myself and my needs to kept with the expectations others had around me.

    Parents have left, catalog is wrapped up...I'm still scratching for some ground. I've been heavily in my head and have had some horrendous nightmares that are placing me in an area of feeling victimized...again. My fear of men, male strangers is even stronger and...the past week has involved already two street harassments and potentially dangerous situations. I will not dumb them down, but in the state and place I've been in, my fear is elevated and anger stinging.

     I've been focusing on the hurt and let down as well. There are people, some HUGE people in my life that drastically contributed to my existence...and I feel as if I matter not a thing to them. I've reached out to one...two I can pinpoint and have gotten no response, nothing.
    Did I mean nothing to them (him)? Did I fabricate the entire bond and relationship? Have I always meant nothing? Did it maybe never happen? Did I hallucinate the entirety? Will it happen again?
    Will my partner now someday...forget me? Will I not even be a distant memory? Why do I mean nothing? Am I not worth the time or second of thought? Am I that awful a person? Did I hurt you? Am I an ugly part of your life? Do you regret me? Are you ashamed? Was my mother right?

    I have no idea where these parts are coming from...a place of sadness, loss, desperation?

There's no room to rest and relax...closed eyes bring back horrendous memories and traumas, time alone leaves me focused and reflecting on worthlessness and self-hatred, time with my partner brings on so much love and joy and genuine happiness...when he sleeps my mind goes nuts...this is all...I fear I'm losing touch with myself...in so many different areas of my life, there is necessary closure...and acceptance. If not for the situations that have occurred, for myself.

I've been on a Space adventure...quick~

     I cannot believe how long it's been since I've visited these pages and this world...I've been in a rocket ship and exploring a few other planets, though fun, I'm still needing to check back onto my planet!

     The past couple months have been nothing short of busy, apologies for checking out of the veggie world (not entirely...just the blogger veggie world)~ I've been shoulders deep in my new business and baby, Varyd! It's pronounced "varied" and it's a clothing line owned by myself and my fellow warrior, Rydia. It features all different types of art, designs, and creations! I've been hella pumped about it, and in that, slipping all over obstacles...but the greater the mountain, the better the view!

the Varyd logo~ designed by VeganBeats

     We had a launch and I don't think I slept very well the whole week prior, and diluted all my drinks with my tears...but on the night, everything collected into a positive and loving space and ground point. My friends and loved ones...How can I thank you enough?

Veganbeats wearing "Varyd girl"~ photo taken by Corey Malcom Lajeunesse

     With Varyd, I've been more consumed by art and exploring the creative sides of me that craved to be coddled and snuggled into safety. I've been wrapping my fingers around ink pens and crouched over drawing pads and...it feels wonderful! I've always loved and appreciated art...but after a horrific chain of events (someday I'll share...here) I simply couldn't touch my art parts. I stopped writing stores, poems, songs, stopped painting, scratch boarding, drawing...all of it, I couldn't do it.
     Every time I tried or attempted...these awful daemons would tear at my insides and I'd be shaking with an explosion of emotions and thoughts.

It was the darkest and more fearful chaos. 

    But, about two years ago I picked up a pen and started to doodle again and my skills slowly came back...and are still coming back. I've been focused on grouping myself back together again, pulling in the lines that left parts of me so far out at sea.
    I'm going by "Vanessa" more regularly now...I feel like I'm coming back. Parts of me are coming back. With that, I'm still struggling, but I am still challenging myself... (I've discovered a fruit...again~ this will be later)

Anyways...just wanted to check in, say hello, give an interspace hug and...share a few photographs!

progress picture of commissioned record cover!~ by veganbeats

progress and lady practice~ by veganbeats

Check out Vayrd too, there's so many great things happening with it...
 

Oh yea~ I'm a blonde pony now!!

wearing the sleeveless Varyd logo tank~ photo taken by Corey Malcom Lajeunesse

   

This isn't very "vegan" or food related...tumblr worthy at best

     One of my best friends just got married and throughout the adventure, the beginning, courtship, wedding, celebration...I was here. On the day of the wedding, I thought of him and his wife and of my friends that would be physically at their celebration. I've been pouring over pictures, watching videos, and as happy as I am...so unbelievably filled with love for both of them~ I am so deeply saddened.
    I wish I could have been there. I miss my friends so terribly much.

     I've been in Korea for several years now, and I've built some friendships here; ones that I treasure and embrace...but my family back home, my friends, Bearquarium...I don't know what I can say.  I'm feeling down, empty, lost...I'm struggling and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. I'm feeling like I can't talk to anyone, or just "be" around anyone....I feel/fear/and filled with nerves, judgement, discomfort, and...petty. My life currently is work, art, prepping, design~ mostly holing myself into a corner. I know "getting out" would be helpful, if not essential...but I'm alone.
     When I was just buzzing nuts, someone was down the street...if someone was bored, I'd get a call or some beautiful face would be at my door, when I was lost; someone found me...when I was heartbroken, someone was there...even if I didn't call. I miss this...I miss this so terribly much.
   
     Seeing the Bearquarium family celebrating and sharing in one of our own getting wedded, my heart is longing. I wish I could have been there, I wish I could have shared in it...I wish I could be amongst the family again. And as much as I do love my friend(s) here...I wish I had that comforting, safe, loving community I could just be around...and breathe around.

Bearquarium! photo snapped by VeganBeats

Even if not physically available, Bearquarium is a huge part of my heart...and we're there for one another in spirit.....

I wish we were a couple blocks away....

love to BQ

Speachless (Boston)

     There's been a lot of focus and attention directed at the safety and potential danger "living" and thriving in Korea. I know there's been a lot of news circulating the risks of an attack by North Korea and in result of that, I've been getting more than a fair share of concerned e-mails, messages, phone calls, etc. All of the senders and callers being from outside of Korea. People here, in Seoul have paid very little to no attention to the threats expressed. Everyone continued on with their daily lives; went to work, drank with friends, went to school...I got nervous. But purely from the concerns of international loved ones. The frantic emails I received fed a very anxious and obsessed part of me, my nails have suffered. I started to draw up plans of escape, chattering away like a drugged-up chipmunk, poking at my partner's nerves, tearing up at the very idea of losing friends, loved ones, my girls...my life. I was unwillingly consuming the fear that was being given to me. I was having a hard time looking away from it; it was if I was immobile and stuck in a looping video.
    Given panicking and actually conceiving the idea of losing so much and so many here, I've neglected a lot. This blog, art, peace, calm...I don't think my loved ones realized or recognize that their concern provided a generally greater danger to my self...in many ways. I am here, I am in this life here, Koreans are around me, I  am contacting the embassies often, my friends are in the army here...surely if an attack or threat was pending, there's be some noise. Reason wasn't being made...and the high-pitched squeals of concern got me annoyingly panicky. I was, in my opinion, being force-fed US news, and international story coverage. The fear inspired by ignorance (and maybe boredom) struck great distress in those not here, not close to N.Korea, not physically aware and invested in what is actually occurring in the lives here. Granted, this can all be quickly dubbed as ignorance on my part...I'm not omniscient, but I am able to step back and now, now observe issues that are pressing with the population here.
    I'm present again, grounded, grateful, and significantly less distraught...I'm painting, drawing, and designing; substituting living with fear with general presence. 

    I wrote this all a day or two ago, feeling better gathered and collected, relaxed. That is until earlier yesterday morning I discovered that my city, Boston is now in healing and pain. The Boston Marathon is something we're so proud of, so excited for, so grateful for. It's a celebration and adventure that lives on many "life lists." I know that I myself would someday love to take part in the marathon. People from all over the world collect together in Beantown to test their bodies, achieve their goals and dreams, raise awareness, prove themselves, live their spirit, be present, test, love, and live...to live.
    I didn't discover what had happened until I "liked" my friends status about how his heart was with Boston. I liked it due to Boston pride, a genuine love for my city. Seconds later, I saw so many more "Boston love" statuses being shared..."what's going on?" I googled Boston and the pages and pictures of crying faces, blood covered streets, twisted pained faced, lost limbs flooded my eyes and saturated my brain.
     My heart stopped, my chest heavy, my eyes pressured. My city? This marathon? This event? Boston...this city that holds onto so many memories and adventures, so many memories, try outs, jobs; the place where Jaxs, Vicki and I went when we ditched the High school homecoming, where I met with Ian to check out photography, where I saw so many shows, where I drove through every time I went to Vermont, where I went to a parade to every year with my family...my city.
    Then I saw the loads of support, the love, the Bostonians rushing into the shrapnel, smoke, and blood to help those in agony, in shock. I saw people being wheeled out, rushed to hospitals, people running to donate blood, posts of homes being opened up to strangers...Support.
    I then saw angered people on facebook posting completely insensitive and inappropriate statuses where blame and hatred was spewed. Pointing their fingers at Muslims, Jordanians, Saudi's, North Koreans, etc. I grew further saddened and disappointed. That is not what Boston is about, what we are...that abhor is not what America needs to be and should be. The quick backlash and hatred directed at those that are unknown, different, foreign ..the reality is that the awful monsters that committed such violence and hatred and disruption of joy and peace could be American, could be the "American norm." The hatred and negativity is apparent, and their is anger, but now...most importantly is there must be love and support. For those affected, those that lost their lives, those that had lives lost, those that are troubled, scared, damaged, in critical condition, for Boston and for the people that took part in this marathon.
    I do believe that those responsible will be found and held accountable. I believe Boston will continue to be the city I am so in love with and proud of. I believe that people will come together and do what's right and just. I have a lot of hope and love for what happened, and a lot of sadness. The barbaric and horrific actions taken by so many, the bombers, the accusers, the bias, racist, sexist, and hateful~ you are out numbered by the good, the loving, the caring, compassionate, and the positive.  

   

My Master Cleanse Experience

     I broke my ten day cleanse...I'm feeling honestly rather shit about it too. I did eight full days and just started onto nine until my body literally couldn't do it. I was weak, tired, and nutritionally very off. But, I did greatly enjoy this cleanse, I felt cleaner, lighter, brighter, more aware, clear-minded, and throughout the experience~ I really dug deeper in myself and did a lot of self-reflection. Well...here's the "wrap up."

Day one:
    This first day wasn't hard, I was amped, eager, and the day passed by without any issues. I began the morning with laxative tea and psyllum husks (the salt water flush scared me a bit...a slight sodium fear I've got here). Just a heads up, I had no cayenne so I used gochu pepper powder AND agave. I did scroll far too many blogs boasting of beautiful foods and dreaming up what I wanted to whip up as soon as I succeeded in this mission. I found myself talking far too much about food and definitely annoying my partner. Oops~ To deal and silence the food talk, I made a Korean meal for him and that got loads of my parts smiling. I swear, I genuinely enjoy cooking, making, and providing healthy tasty food much more than ingesting it. I drank my lemon drink and he ate soup...great day! At night, I made myself fresh ginger tea with the lemon rinds and then some laxative tea!

Day two:
     The  morning began with bowel movement and laxative tea. I honestly and maybe embarrassingly will admit that while using the bathroom, I was knocking back my tea. Anyways, this day was the beginning of a new job so I had to plan ahead and make a massive bottle of the lemonade and truck it around. I was a bit concerned about whether or not I would have enough and if I was messing things up due to the lemons not staying fresh.
     I found myself more aware of my surroundings and feeling SO good walking in the sun. I kept closing my eyes and smiling as I bounced to the train station...day appreciation!!! When I got to work, I met a classroom full of punks. I got into teacher mode and then snack time happened....vegan tteokbokki. I had to spoon it out and I had no desire to slip a bit of the sauce into my mouth. I listened to the kids squishing their rice cakes and I drank lemonade.
     After work, I walked to my next job...still bouncing in the sun. I took a super long walk and felt the wind dance through my hair and the sunlight restore my Vitamin D battery. I got to my tutoring gig early and made myself some warm lemon tea and read a book. I was full FULL of energy and eager to share class time. I had more than enough lemonade left and finished it just as I walked back into my apartment. Made another lemonade, laxative tea, and ginger tea and drank everything. And then whined about food to my partner...such a doll I yam....

Day three:
     I had work training today...I got my bathroom time in, made me lemonade for the day and took an hour long walk just to get more sunlight in! I felt really good. Lighter, clearer, achey though. My joints were not feeling very strong but the walking was helping! I got to training and wrapped it up in a fix then walked to Haebongchon...for some reason that I can't quite recall. It was a nice forty minute slow walk and I just was enamored by everything around me. My legs felt so good stretching out and my hair felt alive...just dancing around freely. Ah,...I met up with a buddy to catch up and art-explore! I ran out of my lemonade and had to make one with organic honey (shock!!!) It was delicous and I was SO full. I eventually wandered to the Foreign Food Market and got a massive jug of agave and real cayenne pepper and wandered back home...where again I made ginger tea and laxative tea...snooze.

Day four:
    I started the morning with a bowel movement and knocked back another lax tea right after along with the drink. I was struggling with getting the required eight glasses of this in me, and with water and teas. My tummy was stressing with all of this liquid. I felt really energetic, brighter, happier! I had really achy joints and some pain in my stomach, along with bloating. I could feel my shoulders loosen up and as if some weight was off of me (mentally that is.) I spent the day outside, smiling at the sun, and drawing a lot while inside. I am clearer, more focused...comfortable.

Day five:
   Today was my first day of work and I trucked a giant two liter bottle full of lemonade to school. I felt engaged with the students, more present, and again; clearer. I wasn't hungry or craving food but I was wanting to lay out in the sun in the grass. After work I was planning on walking to Haebongchon (Abby's last girl's night) but decided to try out the bus system. I ended up taking the bus on the wrong side of the road and took a much longer route. Instead of being short or impatient, I was clam...pleasant. Breathing. I eventually got to my destination and found myself so weak and very out of it. I was having a very hard time focusing and staying awake and engaged. I was weak. I drank all my lemonade and made some laxative tea and was fine. I chugged along with my ladies until the end of the night and grabbed a cab home. As weak and tired as I was, my body was able to persevere! I got home, crashed into bed and fell very quickly asleep. Tomorrow was going to be a more demanding night!

Day six: 
    This was a no work, carefree, snuggling, relaxing day. I slept in and enjoyed the peace of my warm bed. I had a bowel movement and was just not hungry enough to want more lemonade. I put it off for a few hours debating whether or not to consume it or not. I knew I needed energy and need to take in something with caloric content, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was also getting a bit dark about myself, the self-hate I possess is a big reason why I wanted to start this cleanse. I wanted (and still) so badly to love myself, respect me, who I am, what I physically am...I want to stop hating myself. I was feeling bloated, large, thick...just very unhappy. I didn't want to eat anything. But...this was Abby's last night in town and the ladies were gathering. I needed to have fuel...I could not crash on this. I was definitely weak, achy, pained, but I honored my goals and kicked it to the girls and had a great night. I kept myself awake with hot teas, laughter, tears, and genuine happiness that I was surrounded by the ladies I adore so much, my sisters. As weak and tired as I was, and felt...I kept out until the early hours and then blundered into a cab back home. I entered an empty house, a tired soul, and the heat of my bed embracing me.

Day seven:
    Another good-bye party was to occur but I was mentally stressed. My partner and I have been arguing and I've been so under-nourished. This played even more into not wanting to ingest anything. I only managed to have a glass of lemonade and instantly felt horrible about myself. I tried on nearly twenty different options for clothes, falling into a fit of tears each time. I was so achy, crampy, and mentally exhausted. I spent most of the day in the house crying...then I gathered myself and joined my friends. Slapped on a smile, some of it genuine because I do love these people. But parts of me craved sleep and complete disappearance. We started off in Gangnam, I drank caffeine-free teas, then we rolled to Sincheon. I was completely out of it, my legs were shaking, my eyes were so heavy, and brimming with tears. I felt like shit, and being better focused-I was in it. I grabbed a cab home, crying every so often, then when I did get home, my credit card couldn't work. The taxi driver was yelling at me in broken English and I felt a surge of weight and pressure. My heart was thumping so loudly and I just wanted to scream. I was experiencing so many different things, so many emotions and...just hatred, self-pity, self-disgust. I gave him US dollars and walked up the five flights of stairs home, opened the apartment door and blacked out. I got up off the floor, dizzy and unsure of what just happened, picked myself up and removed my shoes, bag, changed my clothes, and walked towards the bed where again I found myself on the floor, inches from the bed. I pulled out a liter of lemonade, drank it, grabbed four almonds and threw them into my throat. Then I threw up and pulled myself into bed. Exhausted.

Day eight:
    I kept this day silent and emotionally distressed. I spent most of the entire day inside looking out my big window just thinking and reflecting and self-hating. It wasn't the highest of days for sure. When the sun started to set I went for a long walk. I just blanked out and stepped forward. I can't really trace where I wandered, I know it was for two hours and most of the thoughts going on in my mind were
     "Why am I here? Why isn't this cleanse working? Why do I still hate myself? I hate my _____. I want to just stop everything." A LOT of darkness, sadness, emptiness. I drank one lemonade, two laxative teas, water...and cried or sweated most of it out. When I got home...the house was still empty. I could hear the pang in my stomach screaming with my sensible "healthy" part to get some nutrition. Get some sustenance and then my mood, my place will improve. I didn't listen to it, and wobbled around, drinking hot teas and more lemonade...and staying in this space.
     My partner got home, argument settled and fixed...I wanted...needed food. I could hear everything in me saying I needed it. The emotional, mental, and physical demands had done their part...I needed something. My partner was supportive, I needed to listen to this body of mine.

Day nine:
    It officially was day nine, my body was needing food...my partner and I went to the only place open, a CU. I bought an apple, a mushy apple and it didn't matter. As soon as I bit into it, a peace vibrated through my entire being. My bones and muscles screamed and cheered. I closed my eyes, savored the textures and juices...I just kissed day nine.

     This cleanse...regardless of the ending and negative stuff, was wonderful. (What's really left when you take out the negative right?) I didn't do the cleanse right, I didn't get the minimal amount into my system and I was a bit active throughout the entire process. I wish I had wrapped up day ten but...I will and aim to do this cleanse again. And correctly.

     A few days after, I signed up for a gym and finally got to weigh myself and stretch these hungry muscles of mine.

Cool Kicking Creating!!!

     I'm finally doing the Master Cleanse! I've been reading all sorts of things about it, seen so many references to it, and heard about it from loads of friends. I've juggled with the idea of this cleanse because I assumed it would be horrid, more so the lemonade cayenne concoction would be inedible (drinkable?!) but I'm five days in (halfway) and so far LOVING it! I am filled with energy, I feel healthier, clearer, more focused, and calmer~ more collected. I figured this cleanse NEEDED to happen because I was getting a bit stuck, a bit lost, and short with my tolerance of those surrounding me. I wanted a hollistic healing, a way to connect with the present and not let it be clouded with hate. (Mononoke whaaaat!!!!) I was meaning to keep a diary of each day, but I will throw up a big post covering each day once I wrap this MC up!!
     That's a wee lemony-update!

     Before the MC mission, I got a home-cooked/made-with-love-and-sweat meal that has left me lingering for it's return! I've had difficulty consuming and digesting night shades (white potatoes, peppers, etc) and recently have been reintroducing them to my diet and plate. I always wandered produce sections, longingly setting sights on the cute, plump, and fun bell peppers; they're smiling bright orange colors and yellow sunny-ness and like a hungry wolf, salivated over them. I WANTED and WANT to snap on bell peppers. I began with thin slivers and gradually increased my intake of them and I've got myself now purchasing them every week. Scotty Soul made me something featuring these once "dangerous" nightshades and...this Vegan lady was in bliss...

Scotty Soul's Vegan Creation..ughhhh~ photo taken by VeganBeats

ughhhh.....look at that color!!!

      He made quinoa, tomato, and kidney bean stuffed bell peppers, roasted root veggies, and a broccoli herb salad! Seeing all this color, smelling all the savor goodness stirred up a rumble in my stomach and I couldn't stop savoring each bite. I've never had stuffed peppers (vegan style) before and I honestly was overwhelmed! It was all gluten free too! Well, the roasted roots had a wee bit of whole wheat flour...but that's because he's got a secret method to making potatoes extra crunchy and soft. I got seconds, and dreamed...still dream about this meal. :sigh:
     Another fun project was done...the FIRST Scott-hee creation was for a dear and wonderful friend for his birthday! I've been drawing more and Scotty Soul is amazing at graffiti and throw ups so we collaborated on this piece here! There will be more Scott-hee creations to come...just wait!

Scott-hee's first creation~ photo taken by VeganBeats

      And...just because there should be a bit more "vegan" trending on this here blog, this is a crispy baked curry I made last week (before the lemonade deal). I baked tofu, zucchini, onions, and broccoli and made them crunchy with sweet potato starch (a little inspired by crunchy jazz) and made a spicy and thick curry sauce with kale, cabbage, onions, and bean sprouts. Result...gluten free, crunchy, spicy, hot, steamy greatness!

curry jazz~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Recipes to come...just want to perfect this more....Next post will be as soon as I wrap up the MC!!!

until then~

Snuggling up with my "Child side"

     We are a compilation of parts; an immense mix tape of genres, songs, instruments, melodies, tones, and vibrations. There are no other albums like us. 

 

~~~~Not too far beneath my surface lies a sensitive, naive, and very childlike person; my imaginative curious baby part. Along with that, nestled right next to it is a space cadet. A wide-eyed child filled with dreams and colourful spouts of energy, itching to twirl into her magical world of creativity. I'm trying to get greater connected with these child parts; explore the majestic surrounding that I once marinated in. I want to support and exist in the imagination and support endless creativity. I'm still attaching my fingers and energy to creating art and making physical pieces, and while doing this as of late, I've been immersed in the fascination of hybrids and animals. I've always had a thing for fantasy, spirit animals, powers to turn into an animal....animorphs. If anyone remember this particular series, a bunch of adolescents had the power to change/morph into any animal...but only for a two hour limit. If they went over this limit, they were forever in this form. I've created and built a list of animals I would and WANT to morph into and experience and ground with...
     I've been absent for quite a bit of time, apologies. I wish I had some vegan food porn to provide you with...instead, here are some art doodads that I've been doing...fostering this little witch inside.

foxy girl...step one, by VeganBeats

Foxy girl, step two...by VeganBeats

Foxy girl, finished~ by VeganBeats

Wolf Womyn, step one~ by VeganBeats

Wolf Womyn, step two~ by VeganBeats

Wolf Womyn finished~ by VeganBeats

Gargoyle Angel Girl~ by VeganBeats

      These ladies are simply for fun....for now, and I want to work with 'Wolf Womyn' a bit more....(my wolf obsession as of late is not very well-hidden)... I'm using ink, pencil, marker, and coloured pencils...
             Oh...and doing some eye practice!!

eye practice, pencil~ by VeganBeats

     I know it really isn't perfect, or that good but....persevere and determination, along with being anal and a jerk-faced perfectionist...someday~
    Vegan noms side...not 100% gluten free, but 95%!!! And...I've been eating a bit too squirrely (nuts, seeds, and dry fruits) which does add loads of protein and fiber to the body..but fat, and my mind is a bit of a toxic place when it focuses on this particular womyn. I've been feeling lazy (ergh) and want to up the fruit intake, lower the nuts and seeds (but keep up fiber), and soon I will embark on a detox cleanse.....fighting!!!

Now in Nowon~

     I've been without a personal computer for a while now and (regardless of how obvious this realization will be), I have gained so much more time and general appreciation for my surroundings. I still access email and facebook (eghhhm) but have swapped afternoons home and reading random news, dreamy recipes, and tumblr rolling with stronger bonds and friendship(s). I've been in a great place just connecting with people and getting that buzz from being social.
    Though~ I've missed this blog. I have been eating delicious (and simple) things, been doing some art projects, bonded with some beautiful Seouls, and actually breathing~ (And now the air is cleaner...Nowon!) I've stuck as gluten free as presently aware of (I'm a learning gf baby) and still use soy sauce from time to time (tamari...I'm hunting around for you~) but I have knowledgeably turned my head from being 100% gf...how could I say 'No thank you' to my student's grandmother who put so much effort into making a vegan meal? And one time I really wanted a beer... I can keep this up, but I've been dreaming of pumpernickel rye bread lately.
     I have my final day of work tomorrow and I have been counting down the hours. I will miss (some) of the kids...but I am eager to have more time to do my hobbies, spend more time with friends, and just live more. More often than wanting to admit, I will sometimes just go to work and come straight home, no social action, no activity, no creating...not even stretching or kicking it with the girls! All around pumped...anyways~~ Here's a few things consumed by this lady...

Smiles~

Special vegan kimchi for me!! photo taken by VeganBeats

yummy Thai salad~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Fresh juicy mango fruit salad~ photo taken by VeganBeats

It's been a few, jja?

     The academic year is coming to a close meaning~ I am almost finished with my current teaching contract. Whasa!!

     I've been missing from the blogging world due to computer heartbreak and setting nearly all time aside for myself, girlfriends, my relationship, the girls, and snuggling up to art. While doing loads of Veganbeats-time, I learned how to snowboard! I've always admired and envied the steezy loudly-colored boarders back in Vermont and grew nervous about the very idea of strapping your feet to a board and gliding down mountains. I went to Jisan a few weekends ago and with some very lovely and patient guys that really brought the brightness to it. I crashed, fell on my ass, ate loads of snow...and broke my ribs~ Then I went the weekend right after and far more nervous this time, but still...what a wonderful sport. I cannot wait to get these ribs of mine healed and connected so that I can "shred Gnar" again and feel the burn and strength in my legs....until next time Veganbeaters~

chilly and swollen-faced~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Beautiful men~ photo taken by VeganBeats

    Other news~ the ladies and myself are bundling up to Hagye, where there are mountains, lakes to stroll by, parks with grass, and fresh air...

loads of love~

Clouded Clarity...

     Since the states, since so many stupid, venom-scented and kissed words have been exchanged, shared, and spat around...things are coming into place. Wounds are being acknowledged and bandages are being prepared. I've come to this place, this ground-point where I can start to see a horizon, maybe foggy and blinding, but I can make it out. Love is still very much alive.
     Since my return, where anger and hatred held its hand out to me along with pain and sensitivity, yoga has bumped it aside and wrapped around my fingertips, pulling me into a long-awaited embrace. I've been practicing daily and my parts are all coming to the surface, all of them are speaking and finally...not being ignored. Though I'm discovering (ever still) that ones my parts want to comfort in, aren't prepared for them, and my parts are quite defensive when other's parts simply can't compute what they are really doing or asking. They're a force, vulnerable, and desperately seeking acceptance but the ever-continuing theme that keeps screaming for focus is patience. I need to accept and learn from them first, and am doing so.
     This will be of greater focus for this year, not for anyone else but myself. I need to seek and find patience with myself...in nearly all outlets. I must breathe, be easier on myself, cut some slack...but not make laziness and lethargy interchangeable with that patience.
     As convoluted and blurry as the setting may be, and essentially overwhelming all these parts asking for acknowledgement may be; I am nothing but thankful and grateful for their determination. Daily yoga, daily meditation, reflection, and the openness with myself to just hear what's going on is refreshing. I'm accepting this path and this balance...as unbalanced as it may be.
     Growth, greater understanding, and achieving at least a greater mental and parts understanding will only help me progress...namaste

Checking in~

roobois tea and a handful of raw trail mix~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     I haven't rolled into the blog world for a bit now...(trend ya?) and there are several reasons...
My computer is telling me to give it a break, the screen is simply not having it. I've been crowding it with too many crime show series; panicked actresses and actors inspiring fears of the population in me, and scrolling through guinea pigs needing homes or new gluten free vegan blogs. Also, I've been furiously engaged in ideas and life-decisions. I've been covered in acrylics and mental notes while riding some sort of insane gut-busting park ride. I've also been cleansing this tired body of mine, ridding any gluten I can, and consuming loads more fruits (assah!) Yoga has been easing her way in (easing..phbbt she's charging), I'm sewing, designing, and genuinely been in a bit of a sour/sassy/down mood. Replenishing my body with tea and sleep and emotional-focus...the new year has been feeling good but trying.
     Just wanted to give a little check in and say "I'm around...and sooner than later will be busting into these VeganBeats."

Until then~

Someday...I'll be an animorph~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Peace 2012...heya 2013~

     2012 is wrapped up and out the door and when I make the conscious choice to reflect on what the past 365 days has brought me, granted me, and taught me I can't think anything but "what a ride."
     2012 kicked off with hiking...but throughout this year my mother and brother visiting, went to Seoul Fashion Week, got introduced to HipHop, found love, learned and explored the art of photography, ran a race or two, went to the Philippines, lost my harabugi, got two little babies, lost Goguma, went home to my best friend's wedding, lost Binger, reconnected with BQ buddies, reconnected and embraced art, did a music video (or two~ look below for the videos!)...I've grown, challenged myself, faced obstacles (and overcame them), fell on my knees, cried for days, baked more, made active moves to take care of myself, stripped out some negativity, and become more healthily-selfish.
     It's been a turbulent year, but there are a handful of silverlinings and so many lessons I've taken with me. I look forward to 2013...

Some goals for this new year~
   Setting up short-term ones so that when I achieve them, I'll feel that much more motivated to continue!

1. eat breakfast everyday...if you don't have time, throw an apple in your bag. 
2. finish one art piece each month (at least one...the more the better)
3. gluten-free, cut out and decrease the amount of my gluten intake
4. yoga 4/7 days a week (work up to 2 hours practice)
5. gym time at least 3/7 times a week
6. never miss a day of work...you will save more money and be free of guilt (work focused)
7. snuggle all the girls daily (I already do, but keep this up!)
8. DON'T eat after 7pm...it'll postpone sleep time and you'll feel better if you keep this one
9. if I do get hungry, drink tea/water and if my stomach is still screaming and I have no will-power (am weak) go for an apple, cucumber, orange, grapefruit, or half a carrot. 
10. at a certain point, just go to sleep. No matter the "due" date or how necessary you think something is, a good nights rest will be more rewarding...sleep.
11. visit family once a month, give them a call too!
12. Keep up with the dishes, the filled sink won't be so painful then
13. walk a mile (or more) a day...this is easy, just do it. 
14. skype family at least once a month (been good with this, keep it up)
15. be easier on yourself...

Happy New Year from Mandu, Hamlet, and Gamja~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Happy New Year...welcome 2013~

Beautiful Stars, Black Ilumin

Black Light Jellyfish, Lookas Roar