Friday, November 15, 2013

Brief Reflection...if you want a peppy post, this ain't it...

    As much growth as I've "achieved" throughout my life, and all the awareness and genuine intimacy I've developed...the disorders and drawbacks of my 12-20 year old self/parts are hooked onto/into/within me. It's as if they've been there for so long that my flesh has grown over, into, and around them; securing their position. They've been a part of me for over a decade now, and when I get to the summit of any goal...they're the avalanche or the infection in my toes that causes me to lose footing, give up, or do the adolescent thing and crumble into a thick slab of tears.
     I am so deeply disturbed by images of myself, captures of this heavily flawed and grotesque figure. One that will never be satisfying or worthy...always too much of something, never too little, excessive, always. I'm well aware of my positive traits and am very grateful that they are present and who I am, without them~ there'd be no balance, no reason to keep my head looking forward. I simply love...someday, maybe it'll be myself that's a part of that but caring for the creatures and beings around me...that keeps me afloat.
    An anchor is tied to my buoy though...the disappointment and abuse or lack of consideration by others does yank me down underwater. Below, I can't breath and my hateful parts have fuel; feed to give their throats vibrations where the hatred and scorn they so desperately need to express can vibrate perfectly. My love for others is also the fuel that feeds the continuous discourse of others maybe but truly, in myself.
    I am aware though, very much so that the compliments and loving words offered and provided by friends and my partner are genuine. They are true and honest to them, I trust them with their expressions. I wish I could swallow the lot of them and let those words fuel and feed my confidence to a point where it's strong enough to carve out these hooks and really tell those awful parts off. Self assurance and confidence has had a lot of's getting stronger, parts of it. As if the neck is getting powerful enough to tighten the ligaments and tendons and lift it's head up...once every so often.
    I'm too concerned with others doubts about me, or their truly doesn't matter but I see my concerns as being reflections of myself. I fear others as not being genuine, being deceitful, cruel, hard-hearted, and scheming against me. Once a bullied kid...
     Being that I fear those qualities in others, I seem to be overly concerned that people I do care about feel that I myself am like that. That I am scheming, fake, dishonest, inconsiderate, etc.

    what a strange world I live in...

I'm constantly reflecting and trying to understand myself...and I know I get it, but this map in my psyche is infinitely leveled beyond intricate. By the time I can describe it, I'll be rotting.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Scratching in hot tears...

    I've been going through a lot of different feelings and emotional states over the past couple weeks...months~
    My mom and partner's parents rolled through and I loved a lot of it...but definitely strained myself a bit. I spent the mornings working with my mom (or upset about my mom), then went to teach all day, then would meet with the partner's rents...which I loved. I LOVED the's just I would return home and work for Varyd and ended up TOTALLY neglecting sleep, my girls and my "me" time. I don't sleep very much anyways...but with a lot more exertion, I found myself self so energy deprived.
   On top of the hustle around Korea and parts I had to call into play...I was eating great...TOO great. I've eaten more food than I usually ever do and now I feel it sticking itself to my sides and stomache, it's hanging all over my body. These daemons never part...body hatred and disgust is at an all time high.
dream taken by Veganbeats
     It's this process I'm very aware of and uncontrollably intimate to, I saw myself doing my tasks and being "productive" but at the expense of my parts and myself. I could feel my emotions and parts requesting attention, a break, a place to speak, and I silenced them. These parts grew louder and louder...and my continuing disregard for them made me numb...and beyond vulnerable and disheartened. I found myself releasing empty tears, hollow chested and shoulder curling hot tears would just wrap around my face and I would avoid addressing them. I had to wipe them away quickly and do my tasks...I ignored myself and my needs to kept with the expectations others had around me.

    Parents have left, catalog is wrapped up...I'm still scratching for some ground. I've been heavily in my head and have had some horrendous nightmares that are placing me in an area of feeling victimized...again. My fear of men, male strangers is even stronger and...the past week has involved already two street harassments and potentially dangerous situations. I will not dumb them down, but in the state and place I've been in, my fear is elevated and anger stinging.

     I've been focusing on the hurt and let down as well. There are people, some HUGE people in my life that drastically contributed to my existence...and I feel as if I matter not a thing to them. I've reached out to one...two I can pinpoint and have gotten no response, nothing.
    Did I mean nothing to them (him)? Did I fabricate the entire bond and relationship? Have I always meant nothing? Did it maybe never happen? Did I hallucinate the entirety? Will it happen again?
    Will my partner now someday...forget me? Will I not even be a distant memory? Why do I mean nothing? Am I not worth the time or second of thought? Am I that awful a person? Did I hurt you? Am I an ugly part of your life? Do you regret me? Are you ashamed? Was my mother right?

    I have no idea where these parts are coming from...a place of sadness, loss, desperation?

There's no room to rest and relax...closed eyes bring back horrendous memories and traumas, time alone leaves me focused and reflecting on worthlessness and self-hatred, time with my partner brings on so much love and joy and genuine happiness...when he sleeps my mind goes nuts...this is all...I fear I'm losing touch with so many different areas of my life, there is necessary closure...and acceptance. If not for the situations that have occurred, for myself.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

A NEW fruit has entered my life....

     In my last post I mentioned I discovered (and tackled) a (fear food) fruit. I'm glad I have~

     I have avoided this vegan essential (and favorite) fruit for years, YEARS because the idea of the texture disgusted me. The smell, shape, dog-with-peanut-butter-on-the-roof-of-it's-mouth-face you make when you eat it....gross. That is, until I started craving sorbets and "ice-creams." Finding affordable sorbet is nothing short of a mission and I've been challenging myself daily, so I figured....DA DA DUNNNNN

bananas were worth giving a shot. 

...And I have invested all my cash, fridge was looking bleak, AND they were on sale at Homeplus for a MASSIVE bushel for 3,500원!

     I've been a recent stickler for breakfast time, I want to wake up my metabolism and get my body used to getting fuel in the mornings. A frozen treat I figured would be a fun way to start the day, and I wanted to torture myself a bit with having to face a challenge for the entire day. I froze a bushel of bananas (five per packet~ 520kcal!!!!!!) and in the morning I experimented FIRST with the frozen banana, green tea powder, chia seeds, flax seeds, psylium husk, organic ginger and cinnamon, and organic sugar-free all natural cherry extract. I watched the mixture turn into a mush with fear and apprehension...imagining my tongue slap against the roof of my mouth, face drooping, and tummy punching out through my dress...I was freaking out a bit. I threw it into a bowl and before I could start screaming, I threw a baby spoonful of my concoction into my mouth....and everything in my being started smiling. HOLY SHIT!!!!

Do I like bananas? What is this high fiber, low fat, organic, AND healthy concoction? It's rich in potassium, omega 3, fiber, AND...there's bananas involved?!~
photo taken by VeganBeats
     I just got myself a bit addicted. I went back to Homeplus and bought FIVE more bushels and chopped them all and threw them in the freezer.
     I even splurged on an iherb
(my code is NUJ580) 
order JUST so I could manipulate frozen bananas even more!
     What did I get?! Chia seeds, hemp heart seeds, MORE psylium husk, smooth move laxative teas, nutritional yeast, and veggie bacon bits....AND~I am now a mama to WHEAT GRASS!!! (I've wanted to have shots of these for over a decade and now I can whenever I want to..mwahahahahahhahah!!!)
My iherb stash` photo taken by VeganBeats
     The next morning, I made myself the banana "ice-cream" again but added blueberries, vanilla, AND hemp seeds. yummm~
photo taken by VeganBeats
    After that, I did something a bit different. A bunch of bananas, raw sprouted almonds, chia seeds, psylium husk, pomegranate tea, ginger,cinnamon, hemp seeds, and WHEAT GRASS!!! Sweet, vitamin rich, grassy goodness~
photo taken by VeganBeats
    I'm really glad I've challenged myself with bananas and have found a way to take in a smooth and rich HEALTHY and manipulated way~

Next though....Strawberries~

Saturday, August 10, 2013

I've been on a Space adventure...quick~

     I cannot believe how long it's been since I've visited these pages and this world...I've been in a rocket ship and exploring a few other planets, though fun, I'm still needing to check back onto my planet!

     The past couple months have been nothing short of busy, apologies for checking out of the veggie world (not entirely...just the blogger veggie world)~ I've been shoulders deep in my new business and baby, Varyd! It's pronounced "varied" and it's a clothing line owned by myself and my fellow warrior, Rydia. It features all different types of art, designs, and creations! I've been hella pumped about it, and in that, slipping all over obstacles...but the greater the mountain, the better the view!
the Varyd logo~ designed by VeganBeats
     We had a launch and I don't think I slept very well the whole week prior, and diluted all my drinks with my tears...but on the night, everything collected into a positive and loving space and ground point. My friends and loved ones...How can I thank you enough?
Veganbeats wearing "Varyd girl"~ photo taken by Corey Malcom Lajeunesse
     With Varyd, I've been more consumed by art and exploring the creative sides of me that craved to be coddled and snuggled into safety. I've been wrapping my fingers around ink pens and crouched over drawing pads feels wonderful! I've always loved and appreciated art...but after a horrific chain of events (someday I'll I simply couldn't touch my art parts. I stopped writing stores, poems, songs, stopped painting, scratch boarding, drawing...all of it, I couldn't do it.
     Every time I tried or attempted...these awful daemons would tear at my insides and I'd be shaking with an explosion of emotions and thoughts.

It was the darkest and more fearful chaos. 

    But, about two years ago I picked up a pen and started to doodle again and my skills slowly came back...and are still coming back. I've been focused on grouping myself back together again, pulling in the lines that left parts of me so far out at sea.
    I'm going by "Vanessa" more regularly now...I feel like I'm coming back. Parts of me are coming back. With that, I'm still struggling, but I am still challenging myself... (I've discovered a fruit...again~ this will be later)

Anyways...just wanted to check in, say hello, give an interspace hug and...share a few photographs!
progress picture of commissioned record cover!~ by veganbeats
progress and lady practice~ by veganbeats

Check out Vayrd too, there's so many great things happening with it...

Oh yea~ I'm a blonde pony now!!
wearing the sleeveless Varyd logo tank~ photo taken by Corey Malcom Lajeunesse


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Pickle That Watermelon~

     It is hot in Seoul and I'm determined to actually spend the Summer in the sun...not giving into the fan temptress. Anyone familiar with Korean cuisine knows that once the sweat starts bubbling, the menus and food served changes...a LOT! Summer season (in my opinion) has the BEST Korean food. Pat Bingsu 팥빙수 (icy flakes with sweet red bean, rice cakes, and assorted fruits), naengmyeon 물냉면 (cold ice noodles), kong guksu 콩국수 (soybean broth noodles), bibim naengmyeon 비빔냉면 (spicy buckwheat noodles)...ahhh, it brings me back to the summers where my mom would make cold noodles and my brother and I'd crack the ice cubes in our teeth. ::sigh::
     I'm also wanting to eat a hella load more fruit this Summer...stateside there's loads of watermelon sales...kilos for a dollar OR LESS!! In Korea, 6-7 kilos of the sweet watery fruit hits 13-20,000 won (that's about 12-18 USD!!) I've already gone through five watermelon in the past two months...I plan to eat way way more of them.
     I usually give the outer shell and rinds to my girls, they like to jump inside them and eat the juicy bits~ if only we could play with our food and get away with being heart-stoppingly adorable right? Well, I got a pretty massive watermelon earlier this week and remembered years ago my mom made kimchi with the rind, and being the vinegar lover and pickle peddler I am, I wondered if I could pickle them! Strange enough, the next day, Food Republic wrote an article about doing just that! I got on it like a kid desperate to win twister.

I had to alter the original recipe due to not having any star anise...womp womp~ Chinese pepper to the rescue!! 

Servings: 2 big containers~

*one medium watermelon, about 4-6 kilos
*3 T green tea salt (or salt~)
*3/4 cup coconut sugar
*3/4 cup of white vinegar with 5% acidity
*1-2 T Chinese pepper

What to do:
*Cut and gut the the yummy stuff for whatever your heart and stomach desires!
*Peel the rind off of the watermelon with a veggie peeler and throw away the dark green bits. Cut the white part into 1/2 inch cubes and put them into a big bowl.
*In a separate bowl, mix salt and 3 cups of water and pour over the cubed/cut rinds...let this sit for a day
*Drain the rind and rinse them well, then combine them all with the sugar, vinegar, 3 more cups of water and bring everything to a boil. Once the sugar dissolves, shut off the heat and let it cool down.
*Sprinkle some Chinese pepper in the bottom of the containers you're going to use and once the "pickles" are done, move the rinds into them and cover them with the pickling liquid.

These should store for a week or more...~

cooking up on the stove~ photo taken by VeganBeats
all done and contained!! photo taken by VeganBeats
    Aside from stuffing my gut with watermelon, SoulScience and I have been gallivanting the roads and paths of Seoul with our swanky bikes and making discoveries....I've got more photographs to collect, as there are more places to stumble upon! But we did roll into a massive veggie farm, where I just about melted....natural response when surrounded by cucumbers, lettuce, and tomatoes....right?
CUKES~~~~ photo taken by VeganBeats
    I'm not the only one enjoying the Summer crop~ Hamlet has a thing where she zombie-mauls any and all tomatoes....
Vampyre Pig~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Thursday, May 30, 2013

This isn't very "vegan" or food related...tumblr worthy at best

     One of my best friends just got married and throughout the adventure, the beginning, courtship, wedding, celebration...I was here. On the day of the wedding, I thought of him and his wife and of my friends that would be physically at their celebration. I've been pouring over pictures, watching videos, and as happy as I unbelievably filled with love for both of them~ I am so deeply saddened.
    I wish I could have been there. I miss my friends so terribly much.

     I've been in Korea for several years now, and I've built some friendships here; ones that I treasure and embrace...but my family back home, my friends, Bearquarium...I don't know what I can say.  I'm feeling down, empty, lost...I'm struggling and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. I'm feeling like I can't talk to anyone, or just "be" around anyone....I feel/fear/and filled with nerves, judgement, discomfort, and...petty. My life currently is work, art, prepping, design~ mostly holing myself into a corner. I know "getting out" would be helpful, if not essential...but I'm alone.
     When I was just buzzing nuts, someone was down the street...if someone was bored, I'd get a call or some beautiful face would be at my door, when I was lost; someone found me...when I was heartbroken, someone was there...even if I didn't call. I miss this...I miss this so terribly much.
     Seeing the Bearquarium family celebrating and sharing in one of our own getting wedded, my heart is longing. I wish I could have been there, I wish I could have shared in it...I wish I could be amongst the family again. And as much as I do love my friend(s) here...I wish I had that comforting, safe, loving community I could just be around...and breathe around.
Bearquarium! photo snapped by VeganBeats
Even if not physically available, Bearquarium is a huge part of my heart...and we're there for one another in spirit.....

I wish we were a couple blocks away....

love to BQ

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Summer Season, Blues challenge....ish

     Most people tend to fall upon a brighter disposition once the weather gets warmer and the sun takes its time when passing.
     I am one of those people that gets lower...reverse SAD right?
     One of my goals this summer season is to take advantage of the natural source of vitamin D and not crouch inside. I want to be active, welcome in the rays, and replace anxiety and all (some of) that self-hatred and negativity with that summer beach goddess glow~
    To help with that, I've been trying to eat fresher, healthier, nutritious a lot of "sorbets" and smoothies...and using fresh herbs! At both Costco and some Lotte Department stores I've found Sambazon Organic Acai Berry juice! It's a bit pricey but SO worth it! I fell upon Sambazon several years ago at my very first Bonnaroo festival, after nourishing my sun-burnt and wasted body with the acai berry bowl...heaven was reached!
    I've been making sorbet/smoothies with Sambazon's organic acai berry juice, organic blueberries, organic strawberries, white chia seeds, psyllium husk, and sometimes coconut, ginger, or fresh mint!

my herbs and a smoothie/sorbet (topped with grated coconut!) photo taken by VeganBeats
What I do~
*1/2-1 cup of frozen blueberries
*4-6 frozen strawberries
*1 T white chia seeds
*2 T psyllium husk
*1 cup of Acai Berry Juice
~ Throw it all in a blender and drool!!! When it's at the consistency you fancy, top with fresh mint, ginger, or coconut!!! (Hell, spoil yourself with a drizzle of agave!)

     Ah, on top of that~ I have the smallest herb garden chilling in my window! I have lemon mint, rosemary, and two basil plants!!! Lucky Vegan Steeze! 
nommmmm~ photo taken by VeganBeats
     Here's to the sun and getting brighter with it!

Friday, April 19, 2013


     Itaewon has always been a food hub bursting with ethnic eats, cafes, drinking holes, and NEW restaurants.
     The other night I met up with my favorite, Pol for a catch-up date! We stumbled upon a restaurant that JUST opened called "Hummus." My eyes lingered, my heart jumped, and my attention was grabbed.
     How could I avoid anything that has any relation with hummus?  
photo taken by VeganBeats
      The place was very roomy, lots of seats, and their menus were on clipboards. Pol and I glanced over the menu and decided to get a hummus plate. We expected to get an actual plate...what we got was a small cut of hummus, a palm sized piece of pita bread, and three thin celery sticks, three thin carrot sticks, and three small green beans. What gives? Top it off, this "plate" was pricey, too pricey. The menu had hummus everything but is all was very expensive, a salad cost 23,000 원!!!
    The hummus itself though was alright, it was beany and not doused in olive oil (thankfully) but it wasn't great. It needed more spices, garlic, and all around flavor.  
photo taken by VeganBeats
      Considering this is hummus, that's great...I'm glad to see this glorious dip getting attention. But this place is far too expensive and the portions are meager. I don't think I will visit this place or eat here again, unless I have a gift-card or a freebie. I would love for hummus to be shared with everyone who's never eaten it, but in terms of Hummus the restaurant, I can't imagine being content when you get a small portion in exchange for more than 10,000원.
    We were disappointed and decided not to eat there for dinner. Honestly, I wouldn't recommend this place unless you want to spend a lot of money and remain hungry. Make your own or buy hummus~

Itaewon station (line 6), walk straight out of exit three for about seven minutes or so,
Hummus is located beneath Thai Orchid.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Speachless (Boston)

     There's been a lot of focus and attention directed at the safety and potential danger "living" and thriving in Korea. I know there's been a lot of news circulating the risks of an attack by North Korea and in result of that, I've been getting more than a fair share of concerned e-mails, messages, phone calls, etc. All of the senders and callers being from outside of Korea. People here, in Seoul have paid very little to no attention to the threats expressed. Everyone continued on with their daily lives; went to work, drank with friends, went to school...I got nervous. But purely from the concerns of international loved ones. The frantic emails I received fed a very anxious and obsessed part of me, my nails have suffered. I started to draw up plans of escape, chattering away like a drugged-up chipmunk, poking at my partner's nerves, tearing up at the very idea of losing friends, loved ones, my life. I was unwillingly consuming the fear that was being given to me. I was having a hard time looking away from it; it was if I was immobile and stuck in a looping video.
    Given panicking and actually conceiving the idea of losing so much and so many here, I've neglected a lot. This blog, art, peace, calm...I don't think my loved ones realized or recognize that their concern provided a generally greater danger to my many ways. I am here, I am in this life here, Koreans are around me, I  am contacting the embassies often, my friends are in the army here...surely if an attack or threat was pending, there's be some noise. Reason wasn't being made...and the high-pitched squeals of concern got me annoyingly panicky. I was, in my opinion, being force-fed US news, and international story coverage. The fear inspired by ignorance (and maybe boredom) struck great distress in those not here, not close to N.Korea, not physically aware and invested in what is actually occurring in the lives here. Granted, this can all be quickly dubbed as ignorance on my part...I'm not omniscient, but I am able to step back and now, now observe issues that are pressing with the population here.
    I'm present again, grounded, grateful, and significantly less distraught...I'm painting, drawing, and designing; substituting living with fear with general presence. 

    I wrote this all a day or two ago, feeling better gathered and collected, relaxed. That is until earlier yesterday morning I discovered that my city, Boston is now in healing and pain. The Boston Marathon is something we're so proud of, so excited for, so grateful for. It's a celebration and adventure that lives on many "life lists." I know that I myself would someday love to take part in the marathon. People from all over the world collect together in Beantown to test their bodies, achieve their goals and dreams, raise awareness, prove themselves, live their spirit, be present, test, love, and live.
    I didn't discover what had happened until I "liked" my friends status about how his heart was with Boston. I liked it due to Boston pride, a genuine love for my city. Seconds later, I saw so many more "Boston love" statuses being shared..."what's going on?" I googled Boston and the pages and pictures of crying faces, blood covered streets, twisted pained faced, lost limbs flooded my eyes and saturated my brain.
     My heart stopped, my chest heavy, my eyes pressured. My city? This marathon? This event? Boston...this city that holds onto so many memories and adventures, so many memories, try outs, jobs; the place where Jaxs, Vicki and I went when we ditched the High school homecoming, where I met with Ian to check out photography, where I saw so many shows, where I drove through every time I went to Vermont, where I went to a parade to every year with my city.
    Then I saw the loads of support, the love, the Bostonians rushing into the shrapnel, smoke, and blood to help those in agony, in shock. I saw people being wheeled out, rushed to hospitals, people running to donate blood, posts of homes being opened up to strangers...Support.
    I then saw angered people on facebook posting completely insensitive and inappropriate statuses where blame and hatred was spewed. Pointing their fingers at Muslims, Jordanians, Saudi's, North Koreans, etc. I grew further saddened and disappointed. That is not what Boston is about, what we are...that abhor is not what America needs to be and should be. The quick backlash and hatred directed at those that are unknown, different, foreign ..the reality is that the awful monsters that committed such violence and hatred and disruption of joy and peace could be American, could be the "American norm." The hatred and negativity is apparent, and their is anger, but now...most importantly is there must be love and support. For those affected, those that lost their lives, those that had lives lost, those that are troubled, scared, damaged, in critical condition, for Boston and for the people that took part in this marathon.
    I do believe that those responsible will be found and held accountable. I believe Boston will continue to be the city I am so in love with and proud of. I believe that people will come together and do what's right and just. I have a lot of hope and love for what happened, and a lot of sadness. The barbaric and horrific actions taken by so many, the bombers, the accusers, the bias, racist, sexist, and hateful~ you are out numbered by the good, the loving, the caring, compassionate, and the positive.  

Sunday, April 7, 2013

My Master Cleanse Experience

     I broke my ten day cleanse...I'm feeling honestly rather shit about it too. I did eight full days and just started onto nine until my body literally couldn't do it. I was weak, tired, and nutritionally very off. But, I did greatly enjoy this cleanse, I felt cleaner, lighter, brighter, more aware, clear-minded, and throughout the experience~ I really dug deeper in myself and did a lot of self-reflection.'s the "wrap up."

Day one:
    This first day wasn't hard, I was amped, eager, and the day passed by without any issues. I began the morning with laxative tea and psyllum husks (the salt water flush scared me a bit...a slight sodium fear I've got here). Just a heads up, I had no cayenne so I used gochu pepper powder AND agave. I did scroll far too many blogs boasting of beautiful foods and dreaming up what I wanted to whip up as soon as I succeeded in this mission. I found myself talking far too much about food and definitely annoying my partner. Oops~ To deal and silence the food talk, I made a Korean meal for him and that got loads of my parts smiling. I swear, I genuinely enjoy cooking, making, and providing healthy tasty food much more than ingesting it. I drank my lemon drink and he ate soup...great day! At night, I made myself fresh ginger tea with the lemon rinds and then some laxative tea!

Day two:
     The  morning began with bowel movement and laxative tea. I honestly and maybe embarrassingly will admit that while using the bathroom, I was knocking back my tea. Anyways, this day was the beginning of a new job so I had to plan ahead and make a massive bottle of the lemonade and truck it around. I was a bit concerned about whether or not I would have enough and if I was messing things up due to the lemons not staying fresh.
     I found myself more aware of my surroundings and feeling SO good walking in the sun. I kept closing my eyes and smiling as I bounced to the train appreciation!!! When I got to work, I met a classroom full of punks. I got into teacher mode and then snack time happened....vegan tteokbokki. I had to spoon it out and I had no desire to slip a bit of the sauce into my mouth. I listened to the kids squishing their rice cakes and I drank lemonade.
     After work, I walked to my next job...still bouncing in the sun. I took a super long walk and felt the wind dance through my hair and the sunlight restore my Vitamin D battery. I got to my tutoring gig early and made myself some warm lemon tea and read a book. I was full FULL of energy and eager to share class time. I had more than enough lemonade left and finished it just as I walked back into my apartment. Made another lemonade, laxative tea, and ginger tea and drank everything. And then whined about food to my partner...such a doll I yam....

Day three:
     I had work training today...I got my bathroom time in, made me lemonade for the day and took an hour long walk just to get more sunlight in! I felt really good. Lighter, clearer, achey though. My joints were not feeling very strong but the walking was helping! I got to training and wrapped it up in a fix then walked to Haebongchon...for some reason that I can't quite recall. It was a nice forty minute slow walk and I just was enamored by everything around me. My legs felt so good stretching out and my hair felt alive...just dancing around freely. Ah,...I met up with a buddy to catch up and art-explore! I ran out of my lemonade and had to make one with organic honey (shock!!!) It was delicous and I was SO full. I eventually wandered to the Foreign Food Market and got a massive jug of agave and real cayenne pepper and wandered back home...where again I made ginger tea and laxative tea...snooze.

Day four:
    I started the morning with a bowel movement and knocked back another lax tea right after along with the drink. I was struggling with getting the required eight glasses of this in me, and with water and teas. My tummy was stressing with all of this liquid. I felt really energetic, brighter, happier! I had really achy joints and some pain in my stomach, along with bloating. I could feel my shoulders loosen up and as if some weight was off of me (mentally that is.) I spent the day outside, smiling at the sun, and drawing a lot while inside. I am clearer, more focused...comfortable.

Day five:
   Today was my first day of work and I trucked a giant two liter bottle full of lemonade to school. I felt engaged with the students, more present, and again; clearer. I wasn't hungry or craving food but I was wanting to lay out in the sun in the grass. After work I was planning on walking to Haebongchon (Abby's last girl's night) but decided to try out the bus system. I ended up taking the bus on the wrong side of the road and took a much longer route. Instead of being short or impatient, I was clam...pleasant. Breathing. I eventually got to my destination and found myself so weak and very out of it. I was having a very hard time focusing and staying awake and engaged. I was weak. I drank all my lemonade and made some laxative tea and was fine. I chugged along with my ladies until the end of the night and grabbed a cab home. As weak and tired as I was, my body was able to persevere! I got home, crashed into bed and fell very quickly asleep. Tomorrow was going to be a more demanding night!

Day six: 
    This was a no work, carefree, snuggling, relaxing day. I slept in and enjoyed the peace of my warm bed. I had a bowel movement and was just not hungry enough to want more lemonade. I put it off for a few hours debating whether or not to consume it or not. I knew I needed energy and need to take in something with caloric content, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was also getting a bit dark about myself, the self-hate I possess is a big reason why I wanted to start this cleanse. I wanted (and still) so badly to love myself, respect me, who I am, what I physically am...I want to stop hating myself. I was feeling bloated, large, thick...just very unhappy. I didn't want to eat anything. But...this was Abby's last night in town and the ladies were gathering. I needed to have fuel...I could not crash on this. I was definitely weak, achy, pained, but I honored my goals and kicked it to the girls and had a great night. I kept myself awake with hot teas, laughter, tears, and genuine happiness that I was surrounded by the ladies I adore so much, my sisters. As weak and tired as I was, and felt...I kept out until the early hours and then blundered into a cab back home. I entered an empty house, a tired soul, and the heat of my bed embracing me.

Day seven:
    Another good-bye party was to occur but I was mentally stressed. My partner and I have been arguing and I've been so under-nourished. This played even more into not wanting to ingest anything. I only managed to have a glass of lemonade and instantly felt horrible about myself. I tried on nearly twenty different options for clothes, falling into a fit of tears each time. I was so achy, crampy, and mentally exhausted. I spent most of the day in the house crying...then I gathered myself and joined my friends. Slapped on a smile, some of it genuine because I do love these people. But parts of me craved sleep and complete disappearance. We started off in Gangnam, I drank caffeine-free teas, then we rolled to Sincheon. I was completely out of it, my legs were shaking, my eyes were so heavy, and brimming with tears. I felt like shit, and being better focused-I was in it. I grabbed a cab home, crying every so often, then when I did get home, my credit card couldn't work. The taxi driver was yelling at me in broken English and I felt a surge of weight and pressure. My heart was thumping so loudly and I just wanted to scream. I was experiencing so many different things, so many emotions and...just hatred, self-pity, self-disgust. I gave him US dollars and walked up the five flights of stairs home, opened the apartment door and blacked out. I got up off the floor, dizzy and unsure of what just happened, picked myself up and removed my shoes, bag, changed my clothes, and walked towards the bed where again I found myself on the floor, inches from the bed. I pulled out a liter of lemonade, drank it, grabbed four almonds and threw them into my throat. Then I threw up and pulled myself into bed. Exhausted.

Day eight:
    I kept this day silent and emotionally distressed. I spent most of the entire day inside looking out my big window just thinking and reflecting and self-hating. It wasn't the highest of days for sure. When the sun started to set I went for a long walk. I just blanked out and stepped forward. I can't really trace where I wandered, I know it was for two hours and most of the thoughts going on in my mind were
     "Why am I here? Why isn't this cleanse working? Why do I still hate myself? I hate my _____. I want to just stop everything." A LOT of darkness, sadness, emptiness. I drank one lemonade, two laxative teas, water...and cried or sweated most of it out. When I got home...the house was still empty. I could hear the pang in my stomach screaming with my sensible "healthy" part to get some nutrition. Get some sustenance and then my mood, my place will improve. I didn't listen to it, and wobbled around, drinking hot teas and more lemonade...and staying in this space.
     My partner got home, argument settled and fixed...I wanted...needed food. I could hear everything in me saying I needed it. The emotional, mental, and physical demands had done their part...I needed something. My partner was supportive, I needed to listen to this body of mine.

Day nine:
    It officially was day nine, my body was needing partner and I went to the only place open, a CU. I bought an apple, a mushy apple and it didn't matter. As soon as I bit into it, a peace vibrated through my entire being. My bones and muscles screamed and cheered. I closed my eyes, savored the textures and juices...I just kissed day nine.

     This cleanse...regardless of the ending and negative stuff, was wonderful. (What's really left when you take out the negative right?) I didn't do the cleanse right, I didn't get the minimal amount into my system and I was a bit active throughout the entire process. I wish I had wrapped up day ten but...I will and aim to do this cleanse again. And correctly.

     A few days after, I signed up for a gym and finally got to weigh myself and stretch these hungry muscles of mine.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Cool Kicking Creating!!!

     I'm finally doing the Master Cleanse! I've been reading all sorts of things about it, seen so many references to it, and heard about it from loads of friends. I've juggled with the idea of this cleanse because I assumed it would be horrid, more so the lemonade cayenne concoction would be inedible (drinkable?!) but I'm five days in (halfway) and so far LOVING it! I am filled with energy, I feel healthier, clearer, more focused, and calmer~ more collected. I figured this cleanse NEEDED to happen because I was getting a bit stuck, a bit lost, and short with my tolerance of those surrounding me. I wanted a hollistic healing, a way to connect with the present and not let it be clouded with hate. (Mononoke whaaaat!!!!) I was meaning to keep a diary of each day, but I will throw up a big post covering each day once I wrap this MC up!!
     That's a wee lemony-update!

     Before the MC mission, I got a home-cooked/made-with-love-and-sweat meal that has left me lingering for it's return! I've had difficulty consuming and digesting night shades (white potatoes, peppers, etc) and recently have been reintroducing them to my diet and plate. I always wandered produce sections, longingly setting sights on the cute, plump, and fun bell peppers; they're smiling bright orange colors and yellow sunny-ness and like a hungry wolf, salivated over them. I WANTED and WANT to snap on bell peppers. I began with thin slivers and gradually increased my intake of them and I've got myself now purchasing them every week. Scotty Soul made me something featuring these once "dangerous" nightshades and...this Vegan lady was in bliss...
Scotty Soul's Vegan Creation..ughhhh~ photo taken by VeganBeats
ughhhh.....look at that color!!!
      He made quinoa, tomato, and kidney bean stuffed bell peppers, roasted root veggies, and a broccoli herb salad! Seeing all this color, smelling all the savor goodness stirred up a rumble in my stomach and I couldn't stop savoring each bite. I've never had stuffed peppers (vegan style) before and I honestly was overwhelmed! It was all gluten free too! Well, the roasted roots had a wee bit of whole wheat flour...but that's because he's got a secret method to making potatoes extra crunchy and soft. I got seconds, and dreamed...still dream about this meal. :sigh:
     Another fun project was done...the FIRST Scott-hee creation was for a dear and wonderful friend for his birthday! I've been drawing more and Scotty Soul is amazing at graffiti and throw ups so we collaborated on this piece here! There will be more Scott-hee creations to come...just wait!
Scott-hee's first creation~ photo taken by VeganBeats
      And...just because there should be a bit more "vegan" trending on this here blog, this is a crispy baked curry I made last week (before the lemonade deal). I baked tofu, zucchini, onions, and broccoli and made them crunchy with sweet potato starch (a little inspired by crunchy jazz) and made a spicy and thick curry sauce with kale, cabbage, onions, and bean sprouts. Result...gluten free, crunchy, spicy, hot, steamy greatness!
curry jazz~ photo taken by VeganBeats
     Recipes to come...just want to perfect this more....Next post will be as soon as I wrap up the MC!!!

until then~

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Snuggling up with my "Child side"

     We are a compilation of parts; an immense mix tape of genres, songs, instruments, melodies, tones, and vibrations. There are no other albums like us. 
~~~~Not too far beneath my surface lies a sensitive, naive, and very childlike person; my imaginative curious baby part. Along with that, nestled right next to it is a space cadet. A wide-eyed child filled with dreams and colourful spouts of energy, itching to twirl into her magical world of creativity. I'm trying to get greater connected with these child parts; explore the majestic surrounding that I once marinated in. I want to support and exist in the imagination and support endless creativity. I'm still attaching my fingers and energy to creating art and making physical pieces, and while doing this as of late, I've been immersed in the fascination of hybrids and animals. I've always had a thing for fantasy, spirit animals, powers to turn into an animal....animorphs. If anyone remember this particular series, a bunch of adolescents had the power to change/morph into any animal...but only for a two hour limit. If they went over this limit, they were forever in this form. I've created and built a list of animals I would and WANT to morph into and experience and ground with...
     I've been absent for quite a bit of time, apologies. I wish I had some vegan food porn to provide you with...instead, here are some art doodads that I've been doing...fostering this little witch inside.
foxy girl...step one, by VeganBeats
Foxy girl, step VeganBeats
Foxy girl, finished~ by VeganBeats
Wolf Womyn, step one~ by VeganBeats
Wolf Womyn, step two~ by VeganBeats
Wolf Womyn finished~ by VeganBeats
Gargoyle Angel Girl~ by VeganBeats

      These ladies are simply for fun....for now, and I want to work with 'Wolf Womyn' a bit more....(my wolf obsession as of late is not very well-hidden)... I'm using ink, pencil, marker, and coloured pencils...
             Oh...and doing some eye practice!!
eye practice, pencil~ by VeganBeats
     I know it really isn't perfect, or that good but....persevere and determination, along with being anal and a jerk-faced perfectionist...someday~
    Vegan noms side...not 100% gluten free, but 95%!!! And...I've been eating a bit too squirrely (nuts, seeds, and dry fruits) which does add loads of protein and fiber to the body..but fat, and my mind is a bit of a toxic place when it focuses on this particular womyn. I've been feeling lazy (ergh) and want to up the fruit intake, lower the nuts and seeds (but keep up fiber), and soon I will embark on a detox cleanse.....fighting!!!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Now in Nowon~

     I've been without a personal computer for a while now and (regardless of how obvious this realization will be), I have gained so much more time and general appreciation for my surroundings. I still access email and facebook (eghhhm) but have swapped afternoons home and reading random news, dreamy recipes, and tumblr rolling with stronger bonds and friendship(s). I've been in a great place just connecting with people and getting that buzz from being social.
    Though~ I've missed this blog. I have been eating delicious (and simple) things, been doing some art projects, bonded with some beautiful Seouls, and actually breathing~ (And now the air is cleaner...Nowon!) I've stuck as gluten free as presently aware of (I'm a learning gf baby) and still use soy sauce from time to time (tamari...I'm hunting around for you~) but I have knowledgeably turned my head from being 100% could I say 'No thank you' to my student's grandmother who put so much effort into making a vegan meal? And one time I really wanted a beer... I can keep this up, but I've been dreaming of pumpernickel rye bread lately.
     I have my final day of work tomorrow and I have been counting down the hours. I will miss (some) of the kids...but I am eager to have more time to do my hobbies, spend more time with friends, and just live more. More often than wanting to admit, I will sometimes just go to work and come straight home, no social action, no activity, no creating...not even stretching or kicking it with the girls! All around pumped...anyways~~ Here's a few things consumed by this lady...

Special vegan kimchi for me!! photo taken by VeganBeats
yummy Thai salad~ photo taken by VeganBeats
Fresh juicy mango fruit salad~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

It's been a few, jja?

     The academic year is coming to a close meaning~ I am almost finished with my current teaching contract. Whasa!!
     I've been missing from the blogging world due to computer heartbreak and setting nearly all time aside for myself, girlfriends, my relationship, the girls, and snuggling up to art. While doing loads of Veganbeats-time, I learned how to snowboard! I've always admired and envied the steezy loudly-colored boarders back in Vermont and grew nervous about the very idea of strapping your feet to a board and gliding down mountains. I went to Jisan a few weekends ago and with some very lovely and patient guys that really brought the brightness to it. I crashed, fell on my ass, ate loads of snow...and broke my ribs~ Then I went the weekend right after and far more nervous this time, but still...what a wonderful sport. I cannot wait to get these ribs of mine healed and connected so that I can "shred Gnar" again and feel the burn and strength in my legs....until next time Veganbeaters~
chilly and swollen-faced~ photo taken by VeganBeats
Beautiful men~ photo taken by VeganBeats
    Other news~ the ladies and myself are bundling up to Hagye, where there are mountains, lakes to stroll by, parks with grass, and fresh air...

loads of love~

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Gluten-free, Guilt-free

     Heyo Veganbeaters~ hope January has been treating you with all sorts of glory and love filled bits! I'm still riding the gluten-free train and exploring a bit more with the grocery options that Seoulkicks are offering. Issues...barley (the only grain here I can allow myself to be alright with) has gluten! WHAT?!~ And I sort of seriously hate rice, but I'm working on allowing it very slowly back into my diet. Yech...the quinoa train is blasting my way and I'm not really wanting to acknowledge its presence. The other day I was thinking (dreaming) of bibimbap and thought to steam a pumpkin and use that as my "rice"...I got a spicy mash of glory instead. Semi-fail and uncomfortably filled tummy. are some eats I've been playing with and spoiling my body with. Everything has been focused on high fiber, high protein, and as stripped of fat as possible...I honestly want to make full-flavor, zero calorie, energy-providing food...someday.
      For my birthday a while back, my lovely buddies Pol and David gifted me with homemade, home-dried gochu garu, or Korean red pepper powder. With that I made a heaping vat of tomato-kissed spicy tofu. I had more than enough to last a week and the protein drop got me through my knee-bolted running shenanigans~
spicy tofu~ photo taken by VeganBeats
     Still riding the protein caboose, I made yet another vat of something...this time chili. But first, I started with a rich and flavorful salad that would make all rodents squee in a sing-songy daze. Iceburg lettuce (my weakness and preference), red leaf lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, sprouts, spinach, kale, and loads of seaweed...all dressed in a garlic, mustard, balsamic vinegar mixture...fat free, full-flavored, all organic and energy pounding. 
     The chili was better than I expected. I soaked black beans and lentils overnight and boiled them until they were soft with a mixture of parsley, chili pepper, gochu pepper, black and white pepper, and chili mix. I caramelized onions for starters, threw in carrots and chopped tomatoes, then the beans, kale, garlic, chili flavoring, and the beans. I crumbled tofu on top and let it simmer for a few hours. My apartment smelt like home and my tummy was filled with more gluten-free, high protein, nearly fat-free warmth. I'll have to try this again and get a recipe thrown on this page...cravvve
salad and chili~ photo taken by VeganBeats
     After one serving and a ground-breaking productive yoga session, I simply had to have another while painting some sexy ladies. This time though...vegan bacon, kimchi, and loads of dijon mustard...a bit of a stoners take on messing around with flavors but it worked and I had chili for the week~
ladies and stoned chili~ photo taken by VeganBeats
     More eats and adventures to computer is still whining a bit, if only chili could win it over.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Clouded Clarity...

     Since the states, since so many stupid, venom-scented and kissed words have been exchanged, shared, and spat around...things are coming into place. Wounds are being acknowledged and bandages are being prepared. I've come to this place, this ground-point where I can start to see a horizon, maybe foggy and blinding, but I can make it out. Love is still very much alive.
     Since my return, where anger and hatred held its hand out to me along with pain and sensitivity, yoga has bumped it aside and wrapped around my fingertips, pulling me into a long-awaited embrace. I've been practicing daily and my parts are all coming to the surface, all of them are speaking and finally...not being ignored. Though I'm discovering (ever still) that ones my parts want to comfort in, aren't prepared for them, and my parts are quite defensive when other's parts simply can't compute what they are really doing or asking. They're a force, vulnerable, and desperately seeking acceptance but the ever-continuing theme that keeps screaming for focus is patience. I need to accept and learn from them first, and am doing so.
     This will be of greater focus for this year, not for anyone else but myself. I need to seek and find patience with nearly all outlets. I must breathe, be easier on myself, cut some slack...but not make laziness and lethargy interchangeable with that patience.
     As convoluted and blurry as the setting may be, and essentially overwhelming all these parts asking for acknowledgement may be; I am nothing but thankful and grateful for their determination. Daily yoga, daily meditation, reflection, and the openness with myself to just hear what's going on is refreshing. I'm accepting this path and this unbalanced as it may be.
     Growth, greater understanding, and achieving at least a greater mental and parts understanding will only help me progress...namaste

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Checking in~

roobois tea and a handful of raw trail mix~ photo taken by VeganBeats
     I haven't rolled into the blog world for a bit now...(trend ya?) and there are several reasons...
My computer is telling me to give it a break, the screen is simply not having it. I've been crowding it with too many crime show series; panicked actresses and actors inspiring fears of the population in me, and scrolling through guinea pigs needing homes or new gluten free vegan blogs. Also, I've been furiously engaged in ideas and life-decisions. I've been covered in acrylics and mental notes while riding some sort of insane gut-busting park ride. I've also been cleansing this tired body of mine, ridding any gluten I can, and consuming loads more fruits (assah!) Yoga has been easing her way in (easing..phbbt she's charging), I'm sewing, designing, and genuinely been in a bit of a sour/sassy/down mood. Replenishing my body with tea and sleep and emotional-focus...the new year has been feeling good but trying.
     Just wanted to give a little check in and say "I'm around...and sooner than later will be busting into these VeganBeats."

Until then~
Someday...I'll be an animorph~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Peace 2012...heya 2013~

     2012 is wrapped up and out the door and when I make the conscious choice to reflect on what the past 365 days has brought me, granted me, and taught me I can't think anything but "what a ride."
     2012 kicked off with hiking...but throughout this year my mother and brother visiting, went to Seoul Fashion Week, got introduced to HipHop, found love, learned and explored the art of photography, ran a race or two, went to the Philippines, lost my harabugi, got two little babies, lost Goguma, went home to my best friend's wedding, lost Binger, reconnected with BQ buddies, reconnected and embraced art, did a music video (or two~ look below for the videos!)...I've grown, challenged myself, faced obstacles (and overcame them), fell on my knees, cried for days, baked more, made active moves to take care of myself, stripped out some negativity, and become more healthily-selfish.
     It's been a turbulent year, but there are a handful of silverlinings and so many lessons I've taken with me. I look forward to 2013...

Some goals for this new year~
   Setting up short-term ones so that when I achieve them, I'll feel that much more motivated to continue!

  1. eat breakfast everyday...if you don't have time, throw an apple in your bag. 
  2. finish one art piece each month (at least one...the more the better)
  3. gluten-free, cut out and decrease the amount of my gluten intake
  4. yoga 4/7 days a week (work up to 2 hours practice)
  5. gym time at least 3/7 times a week
  6. never miss a day of will save more money and be free of guilt (work focused)
  7. snuggle all the girls daily (I already do, but keep this up!)
  8. DON'T eat after'll postpone sleep time and you'll feel better if you keep this one
  9. if I do get hungry, drink tea/water and if my stomach is still screaming and I have no will-power (am weak) go for an apple, cucumber, orange, grapefruit, or half a carrot. 
  10. at a certain point, just go to sleep. No matter the "due" date or how necessary you think something is, a good nights rest will be more rewarding...sleep.
  11. visit family once a month, give them a call too!
  12. Keep up with the dishes, the filled sink won't be so painful then
  13. walk a mile (or more) a day...this is easy, just do it. 
  14. skype family at least once a month (been good with this, keep it up)
  15. be easier on yourself...
Happy New Year from Mandu, Hamlet, and Gamja~ photo taken by VeganBeats

Happy New Year...welcome 2013~

Beautiful Stars, Black Ilumin
Black Light Jellyfish, Lookas Roar