Sunday, January 15, 2012


     Due to one fun-filled evening, I broke one of my toes. Judge...

     Since then my ability to exercise has taken a hit. I got an x-ray as soon as I landed in these Seoul parts and  the doctor told me to avoid heals (what?), avoid raised shoes (you know where we are, right?) and to not exercise (WHAT!?!?!). So I'm in this position where the most "exercise" I got was trucking up Namsan mountain daily and running to school from the subway station. The lack of physically activity has put me in a place when mentally, and overall I'm feeling very very....soft. I know sometimes being having a "soft" body is sometimes used to compliment but...I have an overall uneasiness with that word and it's reference to my body. I apply that word with a completely different set of synonyms when directed at me, for others I find it to even be flattering. Semantics...
     I've tried jogging a bit, even walking for long distances and a sharp pain shoots from my foot, shocking my chest. I have a high pain tolerance, hell....some know this. But this toe situation is obnoxious.
     I've always tried to eat healthy, but everything, every single thing is kick-starting some major negative self-thoughts. I'm feeling like I'm 12 again...hairy, pudgy, fat clinging to every joint, breasts merely being lumps of misshapen lard hugging my toe needs to heal up, I need to start my activity regimen again.
     This is a bit of an obstacle here though, when I don't exercise for a bit, all the fat seems to collect (yes, in my mind) and getting back to working out builds this massive pyramid of self-conscious thought.

  1. I will be that wheezy, heavy breathing, heavy girl struggling on EVERY activity~ bringing on free comedic pains for my gym peers. 
  2. Everyone around me, in public can see my flaws and focuses on them...physical "soft" flaws...I mean full-on saddle bags, chunky knees, love handles, arm rests, shoulder creases, jello gut...the sugar works. 
  3. I am the DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend
~I've so much as done light yoga and stretches...I want to jump, leap, run, kick...>.<#
     These thoughts, these parts of me are overwhelming, screaming/shaking/throat clenching parts that grapple me to the ground. Preventing me from getting to the gym again, going out in public, seeing friends...I'm aware that being with people will most likely increase my general state of being. From negative to positive...but a fact can be counted on. Among many of my friends, many girls, the topic on a large portion of conversations turns to diet, feeling unhealthy, fat..blah blah blah. The moment I let out an insecurity, it's spat on, shushed away. I don't bring it up because...I just don't want to go there and why breed insecurities in others when they run so rampant within myself?!
     Being around all of that ignites a machine gun full of the extreme X within...the flame may be on light, or low heat but then it's doused in gasoline and...I need to spree, run, sprint away. I can go from having a good, even great time to poisoned in snaps. It's not even worth explaining to others. I'm called ridiculous, attention seeking, whatever~ I needn't prove to others.
      I'm scared, fearful, and self-judging. My friends say they will not judge...but that's obnoxious. We all judge, in every instant, for every second...on everything. Judgement could be thought, opinions, any slew of things...judgement is always. Saying you don't judge is...pathetic and dishonest. 

     My friends, peers, the public will judge me- I already accept this...I fear being judged negatively and criticized. I don't want these physical flaws that I so blatantly see and feel. I have a lot of positive thoughts, and desires but...the hatred I feel and see for this and in this physical body is...not understandable by others. I realize this is rather of me are feeling like I'm disrespecting all these parts, making them so vulnerable but...

     I wish I never broke this damn toe of mine...maybe I'd be in a different, more balanced and social place right now...

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