Monday, September 19, 2011

me still...

     I am always growing, I am always learning...if either one of these discontinues, I feel I am not living or existing.

     I am repeatedly surprised by how much I am learning about not others, and other people, but about myself. The past couple weeks I have really taken me time. Fully and completely healthily selfish. I've kept myself more scheduled and busy than usual (feels like home) and on "empty" times I've enjoyed being with myself, by myself. It hasn't been pleasant the entire time, there's been some pits I've faced, and old thoughts and emotions I've been able to explore~ but I feel better about it. Like I've done some work. I'm rediscovering who I am...I'm starting to feel a little bit like myself. I've gotten back into drawing a bit and also back into my cons and band tees.

     As much as I love Korean fashion and adore dresses...I feel the best rocking cons and a band shirt. I don't have a curvy feminine body, I'm not rocking hips and buoyant breasts~ I'm a bigger/taller 12 year old boy. I don't hate it, I don't love it~ I accept it.

      Similar to 12 year old kids, I'm passionate and ready to own my ground and show my power. I've been crushed, stabbed, and splattered, and am now very protected and guarded. I don't warm up to others (not quickly). I've made friends and connections with people here, several that I've hung out with several times, but in genuine honesty~ I don't feel very bonded. I care about these people, and want the best for them, undeniably so.
     I am aware that I am someone that is capable of cutting others out before they can cut me out. I'm a little troubled as to how quickly (and easily) I do so. I'm not denying connection to several people, I do have those/that...when red flags fly up, when I'm uncomfortable or seeing vulnerability~ I scurry. Not a whispering sneak away...I sprint.

     I may not know what I want, but I know what I don't want.

     This me time I've been taking has been more than beneficial. I'm back to being creative, actively creative. I'm drinking more tea, sitting and taking my time to have a coffee...dreaming again.

     I don't sleep well, haven't for years but the past two years have proved sleep to be nearly impossible. I wake up every hour or so, and this is over the course of three hours or so. An average night is bed at 3-4 am and "waking" up around 5-6am. Anytime that I have had any nightly thoughts, they've been eerie and generously unpleasant. I've had two dreams over the past three weeks, very lucid, realistic, (stressful) but good dreams. Dreams where I've been inspired to write more, draw something~ do something.

     I'm learning that I'm still me...regardless of the muck- I'll be back. I'll be stronger. I'll be better.
photo taken by VeganBeats

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