Sunday, March 27, 2011

stumbling on prosthetics

     I've been trucking around my camera only to take zero pictures, essentially pointless additional weight 야? Last evening was a fun one...pleasant in some terms. I went to Azure Ray with the ladies and was rather late for the show...Oops! It was at a hall that was a bit difficult to find and at a station kind of out of the way...but still, calming show.The show was calming, very relaxing but created some inner reflection and general consideration. The singer's voices are beautiful in a very organic way...pure honest genuine. It was the first time they played in Seoul and I feel they did a pretty good job. I wouldn't say they pumped me up for a raging evening...but they are worth listening to! ahhh indie ^^*!~
     After that the ladies and I kicked it over to a social networking party (??) called Danny's party...maybe I would have enjoyed it more if it was a little less congested...
     As much as I enjoy people, I have a hard time being comfortable amongst a new community, not that I am shy or unable to communicate more...overwhelmed. I like my small crews, the groups of people I know, am well-associated with. Apologies in advance, slightly negative this morning. There's barely any light coming into my apartment and I woke up a tad later than I would have preferred...(9 am a opposed to 7...womp womp)
     The whole crew was at Danny's party and it was wonderful seeing them but...I can't put my finger on it...drastically uncomfortable, strange. There was an extreme abundance of people, awkward positionings of people attempting conversations, "hello's" "How are you?" etc etc etc. A forced connection...or attempt to provide a connection...not in romantic senses or that kind of interest more so introducing Koreans to felt so, forced. I know I've used "forced" now several times already~ unnatural.
     The inevitable truck to 홍대 happened and instance of arrival~ coffee shop. After coffee met with some more people, wandering...Hof chilling, talking. Balanced small gathering...Then home.
     I usually love LOVE 홍대 but this time around...although I LOVE my friends, and this isn't to be hateful or at all negative-- I wish I coffee shopped it.
     I've been to 홍대 so many times at night and have done the assumed and expected 홍대 things, enjoying the cafes and artsy jazz I've yet to fully experience. I've been during the day a few times but there are so many corners of this tightly packed town to discover and explore more of.
     In addition to my present state of thought(s) and feeling(s)...loving Seoul, truly loving it; I'm not ready to leave or peace at all..but change, ㅎㅎㅎ more change for the familiar. I don't want to go to the states, hell even chill there for a bit...there are those I miss and love and want to be with again, but it's more so that grounding, that comfort I miss. I want so much to share this with well...I'm living here and doing things, being active engaged and involved but I recall being so...alive once. Pumping with genuine excitement, eagerness, joy. Not depressed, but missing some points. Still missing limbs, rather unbalanced...these prosthetic attachments still leave me wobbling.
     How long will I be using cruches until I can stand straight? Will these missing limbs ever be replaced...not 100% and haven't been feeling like portions of who I am have been filling in, I'm listening to fun. right now and it feels as if the horns and drum sections are playing into my chest and merely rolling into a pit and sliding out an ampitheatre buried in my sternum...

healing isn't going to just happen...

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