Tuesday, March 15, 2011

progression, in what, by what, with what?

     I'm not angry, or particularily upset, undeniabley I am, but "upset" doesn't accurately describe the combinations of emotions taking over me. Disappointed, no...I feel like my position has not been fulfilled...am I cutting myself too short, settling for less than I deserve or genuinely enjoy/appreciate..hell even honor.
     Observing my sorroundings, starting with my desk I'm surounded by notes, to do lists, messy scribbles marking goals and things I was supposed to check off...postponing them for what reason? Am I settling into laziness or dissociated apathy?
     I have peanut butter that is not organic, definately not local, and it has partially hydrogenated vegetable oil as one of its ingredients...serious? Instead of organic local robust flavorful deep bodied coffee, I have Taster's Choice freeze dried coffee granules...I am settling for less it seems. I may hear that it's due purely to my location, local availability but I see these minute details as respresenting far more than "what is available." My standards have decreased, my self-worth has dwindled, I'm partially losing sense of what I value. These lists should have been checked off by now, there should never be "partially hydrogenated" anything near me....and anything freeze-dried is just not enough. I'm not saying any of these things are bad, just things I never before readily welcomed into my existence, yet presently they are part of my existence...and it's causing me to question.
     Now, my self-worth is not something I have let go, nor am I intending to gloat or write some sort of sermon glorifying my value...just several things have been happening, without my sending notice, that are inspiring some thought as to whether or not I have been settling into something had I caught on to, would have quickly shunned.
     I seek advice and outwardly second guess myself, more so in the presence of trusted friends, but rarely do I second guess or doubt myself and my views, values, decisions, passions. When I want something, I go for it, I get it. As stubborn and conceided as that sounds, "I get what I want." What I want is not mundane or pointless, shallow or materialistic, I desire growth, education, and happiness...in broad terms, everlasting progression. So when I'm not moving forward, I view that as denying myself what I "want" therefore decreasing self-worth and self-value.
     Then this gets me thinking...what is "moving forward?" I'm not regarding it as the physical sense, I can just put my foot forward, nudge it an inch; but moving forward. In what regard? There are definately some places where I have not moved forward, but have nestled into a comfortable dissociation and willed ignorance, but there are many outlets where I have grown to understand more, open my mind and heart more. So in those terms, moved forward. But what about all the other places that I am ignorant to that need my moving "forward" to....by everlasting progression...what am I really meaning? Anyone that reads this will have a different understanding by my reference to this....I understand portions of what I am saying, though I know it is what I want...as expansive as my vocabulary and understanding of people and language is...limitations are forever there...and the progression I seek surpases my current understanding of this term.

"I get what I want" continues to become more than anything I can understand...I get what I know I want, but can only explain in percentages why I actually want whatever "it" may be...

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