Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Starting day three: The Master Cleanse

    So, I haven't been updating...sorry~

     I've been keeping myself as busy as possible because...this challenge is affecting me in a rather emotionally vulnerable way (differently from the first time!). I've had essentially no hunger cravings and the detox has been a breeze thus far, but I'm doing it with my partner. For a first cleanse, this one is hella intense.

Anyways, day one~ super easy, not much of an issue at all. Came home, drank my tea...sleep...done! I've been very VERY emotional and my sensitivity has sky-rocketed...BUT this has a LOT to do with the events of this past weekend.

Back story~~~
    My mom owns a accessory store in Boston and every so often, I will be stocking up her inventory. Saturday was that day~ I woke up hella early and got all the inventory then traveled to my Emo's clinic to give her the stuff. After placing electrical needles on my face, she put barely-there bandages on my face to help my burnt skin heal. I've been going a little bit nuts over heavy-face-scrutiny.
     I bid my Emo farewell with a cloak of insecurity and discomfort, these bandages look like ogre warts in my mind. It was maybe 2 in the afternoon and the day was far from over. I had to choose between go home (and probably be destructive) OR get my hair cut and colored. I went with the hair chair and ugh~ this set me off.
   I've been bleaching my hair for a while now and the last mission left my hair pretty destroyed. I was inpatient, made an extremely strong solution, end ended up burning a lot of hair RIGHT OFF!! My stylist decided to give me a "shaggy" look and do a ton of layers. I was trying to breath. He gave me bangs.


    Then he was going on about the cute "shaggy" style. This crushes me. I wasn't the richest kid as a youngin and I got called a scrub a lot...A LOT. I was teased and bullied and ridiculed...and I hated every single damned day of school. I slapped on a smile and fought through fiery tears, everyday for years. To me, for me, shaggy is associated with scrubby, poor, messy, sloppy, just triggers a mountain of insecurity. 

    And he kept using the damned word to describe ME

    Then, he colored it. My roots were awful and he decided to highlight and low-light my locks. After one dyeing round, the low-lights were nonexistent. So, he decided to do it again. 

He colored my hair grey. 

    I've already been sitting in the chair, staring at my fucking mug for over three hours now and the tears were rushing at my eyes with such aggressive force and my damn-eyes were about to break. I have such a difficult time looking at my reflection...and I was doing so for hours on end. I could feel my body screaming and my daemons shrieking. He was speaking, I was feeling heavier. 
     I told him my hair was grey and he tried to debate me for a second then...owned it. Apologized and did some magic and fixed it...but already, so much was built up and triggered that I went to the bathroom and just sobbed. 

    I paid and left and called my buddy and met up with him and a bunch of my other buddies. I wanted to be social and I love my friends, but the entire time, I was thinking about how I looked and how awful and even more ugly I felt. I am so beyond comfortable and I am's broken me up. 

SO~ I've started this cleanse with an extremely broken sense of self-confidence (the teensy bit of it there even was) and am really really upset. I've been crying daily and I don't want to go outside or be seen by anyone. 

    I feel like a scrub. 

Day 2~
     Another easy day in terms of the "hunger" bit. The sensitivity and emotions are haywire though. I hate seeing my students and going to work, being in work. I despise my hair and everything that I look like. I'm really struggling with my physical self. I started crying far too many times today and when I came home, my partner (cleansing himself and reacting differently) wasn't as warm as my marshmallow self was hoping for. 
    More crying... I went to bed early, listened to music and just let my daemons bully me and simmered in the self-hatred. 

     It's now 5 am, and I've spent a large portion of the evening crying and wiping away tears. I've pinched so much of my flaws and really want to sleep all of this away. 

This one is going to be tough, but not because of the lack of food, this is purely and entirely my body dysmorphia, destructive ways, insecurities, and self-hatred. 

There's no where to ignore it, my mind is very clear and very present and dissociating is not possible. 

Here's to the journey and the challenges. 

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