Thursday, February 27, 2014

Guilty Ghost

     I've become ghost...a lonely and insecure, highly sensitive, and emotionally vulnerable ghost. I've gotten to a point where I have completely forgotten how to socialize and am so anxious about the very idea of it...that I bail on risking the chance of getting turned down. I feel like making friends is running around in the dating world. Everyone has their "partner(s)" and is quite happy with theirs significant other(s) OR that I've burnt out old flings and they've moved far beyond entertaining sharing time with me.
     I've substituted going out with simmering in my loneliness and self-hatred...I'm boiling and sloshing into the hodge-podge of constantly feeling rejected, turned away, hated, and like an "after thought." I am so tired....
     My mind is dwindling in constant whirlwinds of negativity and I am bullying myself...before making the call or reaching out to someone...I throw down the towel and assume that I'll be slapped in the face.

    I don't know what to do.

     I hear that I'm hard to be around (mostly because of my depression and negativity) and I KNOW this. I am with myself ALL DAY and EVERYDAY and I HATE myself. I am so uncomfortable with who and what I am...and being constantly belittled and scorned for being half's grinding me down and my already nonexistent self "confidence" is in the negative axis...x AND y.

     I wish I could be happier and I am trying...I messaged some friends and called people to make plans.

     One cancelled last minute, another is too partner is bored of me. I'm feeling so sad and lost...and I don't know what to do or where to go...or how to be. I go to work...that's my socializing. I play with my students and laugh and giggle and make an ASS of myself...their laughter and genuinity keeps me up...or at least preoccupied for a bit. But once I'm alone, and with myself~ I get it.

    I preform at Wordsmiths once a month...that's wonderful and I socialize. But I'm so nervous about how to physically organize myself, I'm barren and honest and crying on stage...naked even.

     How do I make friends and build relationships?
photo taken by VeganBeats
      How do I make friends with people and stop being "not enough"...if my being with myself is so draining? I feel too guilty to be with others...

    I'm sorry to unload this...I'm trying to feel better and BE better...I wish I could simply wake up, better.


  1. Hang in there. I promise this is a me when I say, we've ALL been there. You need to find the good and positives to get you out of the rut. Do what makes you happy and you will get through this.

  2. Hey there! Totally get you. I'm at the exact same point in my life. It's gonna be a year now since I moved to Seoul and I found myself completely lost. If you wanna grab coffee sometime or go vegan grocery shopping hit me up! :) Sarah.

  3. Hi, I'm Jeff I have been in a very dark place in my life for almost 7 years and I'm still looking for the exit. I know who I am. I don't enjoy very many things and have very few real friends and hobbies. My only major passions are philosophy, writing, and animal welfare (veg-ism) so I today decided to try to find some people who share those interests who might want to get to know me and possibly hang out. I found this site (Veganbeats) while looking up small music venues in Cleveland and somehow linked through to your blog "Guilty Ghost"... wow! I was touched by your prose. I am desperately similar to you in thought. I feel a deep longing for authentic friendship with people but their reality is different than mine. Where are the real, actual human beings? I feel like I'm lost in the twilight zone walking around zombies in a time lapse flash mob. In the blog it says that you perform at Wordsmiths.. Where/what is that? I can not find it online or in Scene. What do you perform? ~Jeff