Saturday, February 25, 2012

present for pups

     Children express nearly all that they are feeling, filter absent. As we age, as society and the opinions of "others" molds us, our filter grow thicker, stronger, darker. Emotional free expression is somewhat silenced, not completely, but enough to feel choked, muffled, hidden. Extreme upset, unrequited happiness is tromped upon when genuinely shown, or we feel guilty about it, our parts tell us, force us to throw on a mask or sorts. I want to be child-like in the sense that I will act as I feel and those self-guilt/judging parts will be mute. I do act as I feel, but not to the full extent. I doubt that anyone over the age of eleven really does, there may be a select minuscule few, but on the wide and broadened end, that just can't be.
     I took the girls for a walk, and they zipped out the door, as always, eager for some play time. But this time, they ran out of the gate too. The landlord was here and left the door ajar...immediately all my fears, concerns overwhelmed me and I sprinted after them. I imagined losing them, they never coming back, a car accidentally smashing into them, them being scared, lost, nervous...coming back to the house with no pups with me, Melissa coming home without her girls to greet her, anything bad happening...I ran the streets in tears full of fear and extreme anxiety. I was a child...genuine true full-forced emotion freely expressing itself without any fear or concern of judgement. I was present.
     I caught one of the girls and felt immediate relief, half better...and wandered the streets in distress and more fear searching for the other girl. She's a scared little thing and so innocent child. I imagined what she must be feeling, how scared she was, and I felt so responsible, so failed. I'm letting her down...still I was present, scared and running. I asked strangers on the street, clearly disheveled and overwrought with panic.
     How did these approached people I was a child. Soft voices, gentle verbal fluctuations, and gestures of concern were immediately presented to me. No one strayed away from the crying sloppy person barreling down the streets, they offered aid, and support. Winding through more hills and streets, my heartbeat screaming and stabbing into my ears, people I spoke to earlier found me, telling me where she was.
     Running the directions given, she went home, the was back. I walked into the gate, tears of joy and overwhelming "thankfulness" consumed me, and the tears were no longer upset and fear, relief and happiness. I crumbled, the landlord trying to comfort me and babbling on in Korean...I only felt, was only present, genuine, there, real.

     So many emotions in a span of ten minutes, and more child-like than I have felt in too long. This got me in touch...

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