Sunday, January 23, 2011

effective Saturday...^^*~

           This morning Jaxs left for Thailand, so last night I met up with her (love love love), Diane, Mieon, and Leo to kick it and celebrate the end of a week, and the awesomness Jaxs will (by now) be having!! I haven't been in 강남 and going out for a while...I did go earlier this week to kick it with none other but my love Jaxs!! ^^*!~
           I am so excited for her to be taking this trip, Jaxs*!~ Have a blast and play on monkey beach!!
          Anyways, I met up with the crew at a HOF...entering a booth full of smiling faces and energy pumping, I couldn't be happier*!~ It really marked a moment of a great ending of a the work week and great start to the weekend! I wish I had a better way to explain it, I was just full, fully content and at peace...I felt rejuvenated. All the nervousness and anxiety I was feeling hours before seeing everyone was instantly replaced with joy...^^*!~

         The times I have been having alone have been full of constantly running thoughts, points of anxiety, stress, nervousness, and a passing (but always existent) desire to revert back to the patterns I so depended upon. The states represents a lot of...obstacles, ones I've believed to be over or past in many ways, but they are a sense of comfort, a destuctive easiness. I know there are changes my way, and I am undoubtedly eager to get to that "starting line"...and I am powerful and strong enough to get through anything to get there, a major portion of my parts desire easiness, some calmness as opposed to jutting storms. In my head more often then not, sensitive and easil stimulated by so much of my environment. Other's insecurities easily ricochet into my thoughts and support a domino effect of immense discomfortm, self-consciousness, and running self-hatred. My dissociative parts are very strong, and I am thankful for them, but wish they would lay off a bit. I call to those parts to work with my masking parts, I put a lot of effort into acting like things others say or do, don't bother me or trigger an explosion of negativity for me...I don't bring it up and admitting it, externally I fear will only confirm a craziness factor...the mind, my mind...I wonder am I intelligent or over-paranoid. And reasons why there are no gray areas for me is aggravating. It is always one or the other, extremities only and always...there's never an in-between when the cameras on me...anyways....

Woke up today and found out I had a placement exam to take...I turned into one of my students, nail biting, stressing, studying my phone was a placement exam for my Korean class I am starting...I can read 한굴 but writing it clearly and not looking like a dumbass...>_<#
I was anxious...a greater percentage of excitment really...I am competitive, I thank my Korean upbringing really, and I want to be the best in my class, the awful as this sounds...I want others to hate how well I'm doing. I've always believed the more your classmates hated your success, the better you were doing...twisted I know. >_<#
     I was so uncomfortable in the classroom though, there were so many...foreigners (obviously.) But everyone was so...critical of Koreans, Korea, the culture, the people, the food, EVERYTHING. So much negativity and bashing going on (I recognize I sound quite hypocritical now.) I was more than silent and avoiding eye contact...I felt so uneasy. I was scared, meeting others, meeting new people was freaking me out. I'm sure my silence released a very cold presence and others were thinking I was a snob, or deliberatly ignoring all of them, I wasn't, I was definately not wishing to communicate with some of my future classmates (swearing out loud and complaining about how much Korea sucks...what are you doing here?!!!) My anxiety was causing this block in my throat, and blinders by my eyes..I couldn't concentrate really, I was stressing about the placement exam we would be taking, and all these...Americans. My heart was so tight, like a coil swelling around my chest while my lungs were pressing into it, the air and blood in my body trying to find space, but even my nostrils were shrinking...
      ~I've always freaked out when it came to exams >_<#

The exam was okay, I knew half of the answers for sure, but the others I was lost...I left one word answers and the last question asked us something about I wrote everything I don't eat with a reason.

못모거요 고기, 상송, 치즈.... 알로지 이 새요. 스파게리 시도. 세희 비간!!! (I don't eat meat, fish, cheese etc...I have an allergy. I hate spaghetti. Sae-hee vegan!!)
I want to find out how I did....I'm sure the native Koreans are laughing at how stupid I must have looked, or how off the charts my answers may be....I know I giggle over my students ai ai

Anyways...after the test I HAD to go for a walk, I was so uncomfortable and nervous and shaky..there was this girl from Jersey and Cali in the class that were so loud and negative and just complaining about everything...and just...racist spews of I went around 강남 and shopped a bit...went to Giordano and got a cute sweater...then ont he way home I stopped into ABC New York Bakery and got some stuff for family and crew...
I'm sure nothing was vegan but everything was so cute....and I mean pricey, but I got a load of stuff for 20,000W!! Happy tummies will happen for the people I adore ^^*!~
peach, pineapple, kiwi, and cherry cutard pastry bread (photo taken by VeganBeats)
herbed vidalia onion cream bread (photo taken by VeganBeats)
cinnamon almond pastry rolled croissant with icing (photo taken by VeganBeats)

 After too much shopping I finally loaded onto the subway to get back home...and was really into phbbt to taking a bus, I took a long walk home just to breathe in outside...and I took the hour long subway ride in addition to the hour walk as a silent walking meditation...
Got home, unpacked everything, swept, laid down, and snuggled with the kids...then photo session*!~
what are you pointing at me for? (photo taken by VeganBeats)
they snuggle too!! (photo taken by VeganBeats)
pretty (photo taken by VeganBeats)
^^*~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)
the kids a ya ya (photo taken by VeganBeats)
고구마 is in the Hamlet a back massage!! (photo taken by VeganBeats)
rodent love*!~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)
(O:  (photo taken by VeganBeats)
고구마 moves so much, this is the first clear shot I've got of him!! (photo taken by VeganBeats)
It's late...again, but I've got me some green tea, did meditation, walked, wrote...thought, and snuggled...Sunday, I await you!!

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