Friday, December 31, 2010

I build the bricks..

My vacation is at the midpoint, halfway over...
What have I done?
Not as much as I physically wish I had done...but not a complete waste...

          I've explored my bus routes, and have created to do's...essentially bus stops full of stores, dingy corners, and steaming aromas....
I've wandered, but mostly done 새희 time, along with a lot of working. An effective, and productive break.
          I've edited and read over 30 essays, snuggled a ton with the kids (my kids, Hamlet and 고구마), caught up on sleep and have done a lot of thinking. Planned thinking, organized head time. I feel like I may be in a slightly clearer space, I have allowed and embraced the internalizations as opposed to them building up and overwhelming whatever it is I am doing or may be involved in. I don't have to "rebalance" myself in order to be...pleasant in school, or on point. There's no obligation to wake up and do anything, not that I welcome laziness...or what I am allowing myself to waste my days and hours...
As opposed to the constant dissociation, or mental ignorance, there's no explosion and overwhelming pressure of ideas and frustrations. This week has so far, allowed me to fully explore my parts. Instead of rushing myself to get out of sadness or happiness, I am giving pardon to really feeling them out.
          My sleep patterns have always been horrible, and are more skewed. I make an ardent effort and mental goal to go to sleep early, get a full nights rest, but I promise myself that every night, and it rolls around to 5am and I'm still wide awake.
          A general haze exists throughout my day and more so at night. I am aware in many ways of everything that I am doing, but a concept of time barely connects to me. I used to be obsessively punctual, extremely detailed...planned myself by the second, Korea time. I say I will be somewhere in an hour, turns to 2, "in a bit" is now an hour...being late used to drive me up a wall. So anal, so rigid. I remember gritting my teeth till my gums bled when I was late, getting my stomach so knotted up if I was close to being late...In many ways it's good that I am not so hard on myself about this, but I cannto deny that I detest how my punctuality is slipping. It's unprofessional, irresponsible, me it is a direct reflection of laziness, sloppiness, "letting myself go."
          I've become more sloth-like, slower, softer..this makes me insanely uncomfortable. I need to get more organized. I am very much thankful for this vacation, but my manager and stict-shit parts are very displeased with the "gentle-ness" I have granted myself. This relaxation has taken a toll on my body, mentally it's in a better place, in terms of allowing emotions to exist, but there's the whole mental slashing, and the physical effects.
photo taken by VeganBeats

          For many reasons, being in my head is both beneficial and toxic...I know I am a strong woman, powerful and driven...and those qualities are ones I am proud of, but also wish would tone down a bit. As cliche as it is, the self being the worst enemy is true...Those self-critical parts are the ones that easily convince all my other parts that I should stay in, not be social, not be seen. They drive and support the self-conscious parts, the insecure parts. A tailspin, whirlwind, plunging effect...I've explored the patterns and patterns my parts explore...
          Before meeting with people, crew or family...I go through all of these parts. A meek and very true excuse for why I am no longer punctual. I have to go through this entire process in order to be balanced again.
          Which leads to the sensitivity takes a while for me to get balanced again, so other's self-conscious/negative/critical expressions easily trigger things. I wish I could dissociate from them (the statements), but I'm only able to dissociate from the feelings in my own self, the statements made by others come too quickly, I can't prepare to ignore them, or let them slide. I can feel very secure and grounded, but it is only a feeling. I need to not speed through the whole grounding process, I must learn how to effectively and efficiently ground myself, secure the steadiness. I put pressure on myself and feel obligated to rush, and it doesn't always happen, but once in a while, the quickness of thise allows for a higher potential of getting into my head a bit too much and getting off-kiltered. Another piece of laziness.
"Be healthily selfish. Take care of the self. Do what is best and necessary for you." I voice these often to those I love and care for, but never do I allow myself to take this advice, or listen to these I love or care for myself. I say yes, I say I do, but do I actually.
I'm going off...I need my camera, I need to take pictures, and I need to get out of my house.

I am aware of what I "need" to's the letting myself do them that is a series of obstacles. The only barrier in front of me is the one I keep adding bricks to.


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