Sunday, December 5, 2010

Another one passes by*!~

Last night began with my waking up from the first successful nap I've had in years! Snuggled a ton with Hamlet then passed out...when I did rise, showered and hustled over to 홍대 for Gordi's show! There was a Aids Research kind of fundraiser going on last night for World Aids Day- and my buddy, Gordi, from college was playing! I haven't seen him in so long so of course, it was wonderful to be with a familiar face and some warm VT energy*!~~

keyboard rocking
photo taken by VeganBeats
  The show was great, Gordi's set was about 45 minutes long, so too short!!! But really chill, got me dancing and very fun*!~
photo taken by VeganBeats
  After his set I met up with the rest of the crew and we wandered 홍대 a bit and ended up at Vinyl, a mini bar that serves bags!!!
cute...classy caprisons!
photo taken by VeganBeats
"Don't take a picture please" oooops
photo taken by VeganBeats

 After the pit stop, met up with Gordi and his crew again, wandered to 홍대 park and saw some breakdancing, then OI hookah bar....
{review of Vinyl and OI}

the rest of the night....more good Seouls*!~

Side note, feeling guilty because I was not in a very good mood...well not guilty. Guilt is a worthless emotion, it brings you and gets you no where.
     ~~I rather wish I wasn't in a space where all my parts were mutually collaborating and allowing negativity to overcome me. Not just negativity, sadness, general upset, anger, loss, worthlessness, etc etc etc. General "unhappy bringing-me-down" types of emotions...and the environment increased the loudness and presence of many of these parts.
     I enjoy my time with friends, but when I am in this space I feel a greater pressure to present a content and pleasant attitude, increasing my anxiety and ever internal pressure to be composed, appear alright...this swirls and shakes up everything that is going on in my mind and becomes so overwhelming and loud...dissociation. A state of being I call too often to and fall back on...I ignore the parts and avoid adressing them so that not to burden others but only to greater burden myself and greater harm my general mission and desire for happiness.
     The environment..(literally, 홍대) was just an stimulant to negativity, a reminder of stress...a general and complete increase in anxiety. The more I tried to remain composed, the more upset and tense I got a point of bitterness.
     I do not enjoy feeling these emotions, though I do find them necessary for self-understanding and further self-discovery, but I prefer to experience these bitter emotions in the privacy of my own company...the bitterness and anger seep out and voice their bare feelings onto others, my friends. I am human, I don't enjoy being too honest with others...there isn't that trust yet and there isn't the comfort. Not even within myself...
     The longer I stayed in 홍대 the more upset I found myself getting. While my friends were laughing and joking around, I was in my head (a place I can't ever get out of....) thinking and dissecting. I am thankful for being very present with my parts, and I know I have referred several times to dissociating...but I can only dissociate for some time until everything....everything takes over.
     I hear so much about napping, and sleeping, and relaxing....I try to do these things...and find it to be one of the hardest daily challenges...opportunities of silence and rest become intricate dissections of my parts and emotions and the focusing on the moments I try to say "I'm okay" about...

honesty with others, I am genuine, I am honest about so many things, but honesty about my parts and how this woman is doing~~T_T the beautiful Seouls I was with last me when I say I did enjoy my time with you---it's the time with me I wasn't enjoying....

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