Wednesday, December 15, 2010

all at once >_<#

An upbeat attitude is becoming more and more of a struggle to maintain or muster...things are getting sketchy, shifty, and sneaky. And I don't think it is just my manipulative parts working in high gear...though, I wish it was in many ways.
Not quite in a nightmare situation, more a series of potentially downward spiraling circumstances..>_<#
I love the kids I work with, and I love my coworkers...though most of them are leaving now...
Am I going to be stupid and the last one to peace out....
On top of that, there's the pressure from external sources to go "home"...the US, I don't wish to return, and the nit picking into my brain of what I should and shouldn't do is getting at me, I feel like thin hot needles are pricking at my skin and tiny strands of burning flesh are being yanked, regardless of my determination to ignore and dissociate from the statements, I'm hearing it.
Then there's this...상...why are you on my mind? Why am I caring, valuing...worrying, concerned, dwelling upon....
relation, it's all relative to past situations, old memories that I have worked so hard to stack items in front of, literally bury as deep as I can, and are throwing it all into clear site. Like a jet black dark tunnel, you had to dig a bit and let some light in, I wanted this darkness, I wanted to now see any of this stuff, and without my expecting you to, there's all this light cast.
My family is sick, some of them, and I've been growing more and more concerned, but still, dissociate from. Parts of me feel that the less attention I devote to things, the more, unreal they become...these parts are hopeful. You can never run away from things, especially if they are unfinished.

I've been trying so hard to dissociate and because of that...everything, Everything is running at me, I'm overwhelmed, and mustering this false smile is draining me. I haven't been the healthiest, or taking care or myself as much as I should be, I'm tired, exhausted, and want more rest than realistically possible, vacation from the mind or from life events, from thoughts, from everything going on....maybe if I tackled everything one at a time...but they're lining up, all in succession....


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