How I am "experiencing"-(atleast desperatley trying to)-all these things and there is the abse. I know that my physical body exists, and is in many ways complete...there's this ballooning gaping hole that exists where my gut and heart are, if that makes sense. When I walk, I know I am walking, I mean I'm moving...the environment around me changes, but I'm not in touch with my body parts. I'm not floating...just moving. There's no contact with the ground beneath me...I'm still standing on quicksand...but with a disconnected smile.
One of us could actually pass, and permanently leave this life...the chance is very much possible. My heart is loudly pumping in my chest and my circumstances are catching up to me. The combination of the inspired thoughts and the events of today (and last night) scare me. The years of...tolerance...I have forced my body to actually go through (maybe it isn't completely myself...parts of me) are catching up to me. Confirmation..all over weaker...damage has been done. I don't so much fear being alone...
I'm worried about...not feeling all of myself again.
This is a kpop song I've been very much obsessed with~~>Not Alone by 박정민 Park Jung Min) his official site his wikipedia page
 |
| credit of fanpop.com |
Annnnd lyrics plus translation~~
지쳐가는 니 눈빛이 자꾸 나를 놓으려고 해
숨 이차 니 모습을 볼 수도 붙잡을 수 없어
지쳐 stop stop stop 이젠 더
모든걸 step step step 벗어나
돌이킬 수 가 없다고 끝이라며 또 울지만
So I can believe I’m not alone
이젠 not alone 더는 슬프지 않게
and I can feel it I’m not alone
절대 not alone 다신 힘들지 않게
이젠 다신 down down down down no! no! no! no!
down down down down no! no! no! no!
시간이 더 흘러도 I’m not alone
너 하나 때문에 I can believe
갈수록 니 기억이 날 붙잡아
싫어도 여전히 그 흔적에 살아
점점 stop stop stop 시간이
다시 또 step step step 벗어나
돌아갈 수 가 없다고 끝이라며 또 울지만
So I can believe I’m not alone
이젠 not alone 더는 슬프지 않게
And I can feel it I’m not alone
절대 not alone 다신 힘들지 않게
이젠 다신 down down down down no! no! no! no!
Down down down down no! no! no! no!
시간이 더 흘러도 I’m not alone
너 하나 때문에 I can believe
숨을 쉴 수 조차 없는 어두운 이 밤도
다시는 두렵지 않아 너 때문에
So I can believe I’m not alone
이젠 not alone 다시 돌릴 수 있게
And I can feel it I’m not alone
절대 not alone 다신 힘들지 않게
이젠 다신 down down down down no! no! no! no!
Down down down down no! no! no! no!
모든게 무너져도 I’m not alone
너 하나로 충분해 I’m not alone
you’re not alone
TRANSLATION
You’re exhausted, I can feel it.
I can see that you want to leave.
I can’t breathe without you here.
I can’t see. I can’t feel or hold you.
I’m tired. Stop, stop, stop, stop right there.
I’ll take a step, step, step to escape.
I keep screaming that it’s too late, that I can’t change, that it’s the end!
I can see that you want to leave.
I can’t breathe without you here.
I can’t see. I can’t feel or hold you.
I’m tired. Stop, stop, stop, stop right there.
I’ll take a step, step, step to escape.
I keep screaming that it’s too late, that I can’t change, that it’s the end!
So I can believe, I’m not alone. Now I’m not alone, there’s no reason for sadness.
And I can feel it, I’m not alone, Surely not alone, never to feel exhausted.
And I can feel it, I’m not alone, Surely not alone, never to feel exhausted.
One more time now, Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Even if time passes by, I’m not alone.
Because of you, baby.
I can believe.
(No, no, no, no!)
Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Even if time passes by, I’m not alone.
Because of you, baby.
I can believe.
Even if I get over you,
Memories will remain.
I can’t heal the scars that I carry.
Time keeps stop, stop, stop, stopping here.
Another step, step, step to escape.
I cry that we’ll never go back, that we’re too late, that it’s the end!
Memories will remain.
I can’t heal the scars that I carry.
Time keeps stop, stop, stop, stopping here.
Another step, step, step to escape.
I cry that we’ll never go back, that we’re too late, that it’s the end!
So I can believe, I’m not alone. Now I’m not alone, there’s no reason for sadness.
And I can feel it, I’m not alone, Surely not alone, never to feel exhausted.
And I can feel it, I’m not alone, Surely not alone, never to feel exhausted.
One more time now, Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Even if time passes by, I’m not alone.
Because of you, baby,
I can believe.
(No, no, no, no!)
Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Even if time passes by, I’m not alone.
Because of you, baby,
I can believe.
Even on nights that are pitch black, I can’t breathe without you.
I’ll never be afraid again, because of you!
I’ll never be afraid again, because of you!
So I can believe, I’m not alone. Now I’m not alone, I can turn everything back.
And I can feel it, I’m not alone, Surely not alone, never to feel exhausted.
And I can feel it, I’m not alone, Surely not alone, never to feel exhausted.
One more time now, Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Even if everything breaks, I’m not alone.
I only need you to know,
I’m not alone.
You’re not alone.
(No, no, no, no!)
Down, down, down, down.
(No, no, no, no!)
Even if everything breaks, I’m not alone.
I only need you to know,
I’m not alone.
You’re not alone.
~Depressed, not exactly, remorseful, still disconnected...fully aware of all these mixing emotions whirl-winding internally, but not allowing myself to really sit with them...they're merely whispers, momentearily screaming or yelling....but never long enough to get a full sentence in.
I'm waiting to feel my knees again...
As John Cusack says from Nick Hornby's High Fidelity~
"Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
ps...recommended read AND movie^^*!~
No comments:
Post a Comment