Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day of silence~~

      Mental adventures for my Saturday, I didn't go out, didn't really socialize...meditated. I didn't quite plan it, it just happened, very much needed. I have been in a bit of a funk...all too familiar statment right? These continuous waves of kissing "balance", immense dissociation, and then faltering lows, where I can't really gather my thoughts of an explosion, fragments and thousands of bits are flying around me all too quickly and I can't grasp onto one thought. I've been feeling lost, thought much happier in Seoul. It's almost as if I have no idea what to do with myself, I have far away thoughts and plans of thigs I want to do, but gathering enough motivation has become a struggle. Independently exploring things is becoming a burden. I want to do things alone, have that self-reflection, but I want to be with company...but at the same time, I desire isolation amongst company, I want no words exchanged, no acknowledgment, I want a body there so that I don't feel isolated. It's very strange, I know I love people, but I want nothing to do with them lately. I want no judgement outside of my own, and the presence of others only promotes an internal perception of external judgement that I then take in internally. I manipulate and create external opinions and take them in, and usually to fuel some sort of negativity.~~ guilt
     ~Today was a very mindful day due to a mental and emotional dare I say inspiration. I have felt very limbless for sometime, that ice cream scoop has taken a chunk out of my chest...grounded in quick sand blah de blah...anyways, re-entrance in some factor and thus this surge of energy and imagined support urged me to reconnecting with the things I used to love doing, my routines I thoroughly relied upon. I woke up and put on a lot of Ravi Shankar and stated my morning with an hour of silent mindful meditation, then two hours of yoga...followed by more meditation and a walk outside. I didn't speak a word or make a sound for over 20 hours...and just let my mind free flow and allowed the parts to speak. My dissociative parts took a break today...
     ~I know I've been sad, didn't allow myself to be sad though. There may have been a few tears squeezed out, but I didn't allow myself to be sad. I shushed the parts, silenced the thoughts and neglected to accept.

~I'm scared of being sad in Seoul, of opening that gate and potentially letting all that darkness in...or out. But this is a journey and I want to learn (again) how to sit with my parts and if not accept, acknowledge them.

After the mindfulness, decided to play in my kitchen...
~~here's what ended up happening~>
I have one week left in this apartment and too many veggies needing some I decided to make some noms for the week...packing for the move slowly....this is what I'll get to enjoy over time ^^*!~
steamed veggies with a carmelized soy garlic take by VeganBeats recently posted a video about "gourmet" ramen and I decided to do a vean spin on it...using the vegan ramen and lots of garlic scapes, cabbage, and steamed lettuce...whipped this guy up...this will last me a bit I think...definately. 
photo taken by VeganBeats
 And lastly, while on my walk I passed by maybe 3 donut vending stalls...and lots of kids nomming on side street donuts, I remembered having a lot of leftover flour and random ingredients and decided to expeiment and make some vegan donuts...I will bring these to the kids, I'm not a sugar or sweets girl, but they cam out looking super cute (and heartstopping....hmmm)
donuts ^^*!~ photto taken by VeganBeats
The rest of my day was still followed by silence...I just uttered a word while talking to Hamlet (yes, I talk to my kids (animals).) So the 20 hours of silence has just been broken.
~~although a parts-filled day, I feel better and slightly accomplished. I despise feeling lazy...time to reconnect with the things I routinely relied upon...goals~:
*read everyday....everyday (I just dropped about 60\ on books incentive?
*write everyday (this is a passion I have put on the back burner for a bit too long...)O:
*yoga everyday...ugh I love this stuff why have I put it on pause
*mindful meditation daily, even if it's only for 10 minutes
*at least an hour of silence daily....SO needed

Here's to tomorrow....
~I'm going to the house of sharing....whaa

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