Sunday, July 3, 2011

The life we have...."I hate my life" and could anyone....

     Allowing life to happen and accepting the every changing surroundings is a new found zen and peace of being that accomplishing is difficult to achieve. I find myself growing closer to achieving this. Where I was in my growth a year ago was shaky, quicksand lined with jagged rocks and wound in creases of lava. I was settled in a dark, dreary, period of utter confusion and unbearable sensitivity and fear. I needed, craved consistency, and realized that the "consistency" I was surviving with was purely disheartening, fearful, angry, and petrifying. I was balancing myself on broken stilts and bruised arms. I don't think that this was negative, not ideal but...necessary and is more than forgivable. Considering the past, I'm saddened and proud of how far I have traveled.
     I think of this zen in reflection of last night. This weekend really, so much joy has been experienced and so much gratitude built. I hear all too often "I hate my life." or see that "fml" posted on people's away messages, twitter and facebook accounts, etc. Why? Most of these are stated in response to a "small" situation, something so...trivial that I can't gather my thoughts to comprehend how that experience, predicament, or frustration would or could cause you to "hate" your life. I know often this isn't said in the severity that I am explaining it to...or believing it to be partially angers and saddens me to hear/read such things.
     I don't want to compare life experiences, to each individual, our emotional sores, physical ailments, mental troubles, what have you..they are all justified and important...but we, most of us have so much to love in our lives. We're living, we're experiencing, we're learning. The negatives are much easier to hone in on...the red house amongst a neighborhood filled with white houses. The one pimple on your nose, that tiny scuff on your shoes...etc. Concentrating and focusing on that 'mark' creates a dissociation from all else surrounding. I am someone who is also guilty of this, I am by no means perfect but I am growing to see the wonders of life with a big heart versus a frown or steaming head.
     This weekend began with...eagerness and curiosity. Friday night I worked on an article for hours only to have my computer crash. I had no time to assess and relax, just instant response...I started crying. By the time I did calm down and breathed a bit, I had already rewrote most of the article in my mind, then calmly searched through my emails, folders, to find an early draft, and instead of getting angry, this malfunction gave me to opportunity to write a better article. And to release some stress. I ended up staying in on a Friday night (O_o) and doing something I love doing, so structured accidental me time. I cleared my head for a walk, found new inspirations...and listened to music. One of the many things I adore is being anonymous in an environment. To be faceless in a crowd and ignored...the ability to observe and study people in their environment. Psychology aside...people will always intrigue me.
     Saturday I woke up very early, went for a fun run and allowed my skin to marinate in the dewy air. Maybe not the cleanest but I felt sprite, fresh, and content. Eating the sunrays I met with some friends in Insadong. Sarah of SeoulintheCity and Linus were filming their travel show pilot and were kind enough to let me tag along and help! Not only did I get to witness such a brilliant project being put into action, I got to learn more AND be in Insadong. This led to being on the sidelines, and being part of a mission, a creation. Making something is...inspiring, impressive, astounding. You're making something, you're creating something that will influence others, leave a're making a statement. Witnessing that creation honor really. A full day of filming was fun, and tiring..and deserved. Everyone involved was so different and their coming together was motivating. We all went out to eat and shared in down time. I felt like a child, a new kid, soaking in their school on the first day. Everyone, I mean everyone involved, and who I have been meeting lately has so much ambition and talent. They're all doing brilliant, dreamy things...things I've talked about and after spending time with them..I am motivated, inspired, and driven...positive!
     After parting ways I took a nap, a well-rested, body-scanning peace-filled slumber. I'm sure the beer helped, but it was the first sleep I've had where...there was no trouble, fear, or disturbances. I woke up with energy and curiosity about the night to come. The club was in the stars...and I met with Jaxs and Patricia dressed in a "secretary" themed ensemble. My friends are stunning really...I wish they only knew.
     Anyways...we go, bump into some more of those inspiring people and enter a club that's too packed for comfort and...not a great vibe. We left to a convenience store to get some more affordable beverages (another americano for this one) and it started to rain. We found a gorgeous trellis and simply engaged in conversations, soaked in music. I found myself being overwhelmed with so much love for these women, I could care less about the club and dancing, I was perfectly content doing whatever, friend love! We go back, it's still packed and we make the sudden decision to go to Gold Bar in Sincheon. We grab a cab, have the sweetest cab driver and within minutes we're now somehow at a 24 hours McDonalds. While inside, an old friend, from my gym was there. Small world, and chance meeting...more perk.
     Gold bar 3 was next and upon entering, two buddies I haven't seen in a while greeted me with hugs and genuine smiles. So much positivity and...I couldn't help but smile. I haven't been to Gold in far too long, and was first introduced to it WAY back in November and every time I've gone, I've had a wonderful time. The crowd is great, the place is chill, pool table, good drinks, darts...comfort. Catching up with those buddies was great and I met a woman that used to work at EDLS!! Back when it was AWESOME...and we resonated about our students...and more love more love.
     Jaxs and I ended up parting off to get coffee and just...kick it. Somehow, she paid for a glass of wine and we ended up with a bottle. (O_o) We spent a couple hours just..getting in our time. I feel like this week I've been missing out on her sister, my love! We ended up coming back to my place, drinking more wine on my rooftop and watching Detroit Rock City...Best friends for nearly a decade and...there are only two people in the world that I am so close to. I have love for many people, and of course love the family that has been with me through everything...these two people....mean more than the world to me....more than words could ever describe, and more than feelings can express.
      This morning started with well...afternoon, Jaxs and I listened to music, played with Hamlet and 고구마 ate apples, chatted, laughed....

In closing...It's now Sunday and I've got nothing but appreciation for life. Plans didn't work out, things weren't perfect, shit hits the happens. Embrace it, it's art, creation, and there is so much we have...I have. I see what I have overcome...and am so thankful that I am here now to experience all that I am a part of, feel, touch, see, hear....

FML....yea, FML is one to cherish. It's the only one (in theory) I have, and I will make and put more effort into living it everyday.


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