Tuesday, July 12, 2011

expectations, our own...

     This week, as every week goes, as everyday goes has been shaking around like a rattlesnake's tail. I've been really positive then quickly bitter and sour. Like those flavor changing gums, my outlook (though remains hopeful and genuine) is intensely effected by the dissapointing and relieving actions of others. Disapointment is something I must hone in on, because it is something that forever will occur. And in so seems so much more "vibrant" in comparison to those highlighting oxygen-rich moments. Disappointments tend to be much more common.
     I only say this because...that's life. Accept that you will be disappointed, and embrace it. Fighting it is a waste of energy and emotion. Also understand that the disapointment you feel is all on YOU, sure that person, that individuals may in fact be a royal d-bag but you are your parts, you are your emotions. And expecting others to rise to your expectations is again all yours.
     I used to get really upset with people when "they" disappointed me, I used to rip on vent about and I do still vent but with a better understanding that my dissapointment is actually in myself. I held that individual to a different standard and was wrong about them, leading to myself feeling foolish, embarassed, stupid, etc. As self-centered as it sounds, there is truth in saying that all things lead to you, to the "I" the "me." There's nothing wrong with that...the one person you must focus on first is yourself. If you aren't on good terms or tolerant terms with the self, chances of being genuinely cool with others risks a lower percentage.
     I am regularly wrong about people, not in all the same sense, some on minor shines, major marks, all sorts of differentiating levels. Assuming geniuinity in all is in fact...foolish and naive. As much as I would love to believe that all people are genuine, the more you study and observe others, the more you notice just how..."lost" so many people are. Not essentially fake, but through manipulated definitions, yes, they're fake, in genuine, liars. I don't want to throw those names out so quickly and easily, that would be a judegmental and simple minded part to name call so quickly. I'll give people a chance, but...not much of one. I am confident that I read people well, so when I am wrong, in any sense, it bums me out. A sweltering silent whispering self-doubt...
     The reason why my parts are so effected by other's actions is because...I feel I must at an even greater extent protect myself. I want to be open and comfortable with others...but something gets crooked. A red flag waves violently in my mind and I must back away.
     It's like having a crush, from afar. This person externally seems brilliant, a slew of positive traits and idealisms float around your mind when you think of them. But once you get to know them, slowly (or quickly) those traits get torn away. Not because they're bad, or awful, but becuase the realisms prove your dreamy thoughts to be incorrect. This happens at work, school, gatherings, parties...name it, it's there.
     Going in on something with no expectations is best, nearly impossible, but ideal. There, in that place, the mind and emotions are un-molded clay. You adapt and learn what a person is all about prior to creating this mental idealized version of them. They are human versus gods.
     People and organisms aside, this idealism and expectation tends to over-flavor all sorts of establishments. Cafes, beverages, restaraunts, music, etc.

This is becoming a tangent, a continuous banter of how all in all...our expectations alone cause us disappointment, it is all completely exclusively our own. People don't disappoint us, our expectations of people...that leads to our disappointment.

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