Thursday, October 11, 2012

Silverlinings in a bit of fog~

      The past couple weeks have been a bit sodden with sadness, my shoulders are slightly more hunched over, and my chest has been a bit heavier. There are so many things that I should focus on, the silverlinings are worth far more than the building account of disappointment but it's ironic how much more of an impact the gray skies make than the crunchy Autumn leaves.
     I've been trying to keep my chin up and eyes smiling, but the drive to keep things forward have been blurry. The lamp of lightness is blinking and needs to be changed, but I'm short a few bucks and either apathetic or too tired and angry to pump up the effort. I've been marinating in the disappointment, lacking the will to throw my fists up.
     It reminds me of 'survival mode' in Dead or Alive (the video game!), you'd beat one person and while you're building your health, another opponent jumps in the ring throwing fists and swinging legs. You never build up your health without getting beat up a bit.
      I've been learning and discovering mountains of heartbreak, spurred by my family here...I miss my 할아버지 so much. I miss my family stateside and Binger. My best friend is getting married and there are all of these celebrations happening for this big change and event in her life, and I'm not sharing in them~ I so wish I was. I've been trying for over seven months now to get some stuff done, and meetings and phone calls, texts, and messages are ignored, false promises are made...I'm getting ignored/avoided. (Now doesn't that stir up middle school parts?) I've been getting greater disheartened, quicker to sadness, and embracing~ running into the arms of assumed (and so far correct) inevitable disappointment.
     I am still loving my silverlinings, and aware of the glories in my life I have, and the cornucopia of opportunity and freedom I have...but doesn't mean frustrations are therefor null and void.
     I want this rut to come to a close, it's been effecting so many outlets of me, my life, and my daily activities. I'm just venting, throwing my blackened/emo thoughts into the Internet abyss.

Silverlinings (reasons to be in the present)

  • Hamlet and 고구마
  • five sketch pads
  • 4 tattoo projects
  • a cupboard full of tea...and coffee
  • yoga
  • stateside family
  • so many memories with my 할아버지 that instantly bring warmth into my heart and/or smiles
  • Halloween is soon
  • Autumn is nearly here
  • New job where I have over 140 hours of "me" time
I know it's VeganMofo, there should be food...well, my whining "food for thought" will do...

Tomorrow will be better...

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