Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the word that spat on majority~

     Where do you turn when you're feeling down, or so full of negativity? There are the easy recommendations everyone gets; go for a walk, seek out friends and loved ones, exercise...but realistically, where do you turn?
     I've been on an upswing for a while...and it's been splendid but I feel like I've set up this ornate and deeply intricate architectural foundation that's draped with a sheer brightly adorjned fabric. From the outside it seems sunny, a positive and genuinely content structure. Yes, everyone is far more complicated when you dig a bit deeper; I'm feeling like my parts have all worked very well together at supporting a positive influence or seemingly always (mostly) jovial character. Those happy parts have been embraced, lovingly accepted...so much so that these hard-hearted, hurt, negative parts have foolishly began to feel that possibley they too will be embraced.
     Lately, I've found myself resorting to sixth and seventh grade parts, the plastic smile slapped across a chubby, sweaty, and very ugly face. I had a lot of love and a wonderfully naive energy about me; I was genial, kind to others, but often compared to a "puppy dog." I followed others, handed out compliments like political stickers... gave lots upon loads of love while the self-hatred I posessed grew darker, stronger, and seemingly, still very much alive.
     This is a negative and 13 year old part guiding this post...but we all posess a younger part, maybe one we're proud of, jealous of, loving of, or ashamed of...there really are an infinite amount of emotions that are directed towards it.
     I feel like I can only learn from it, understand where in myself it found some sort of energy and inspiration to pretend, to protect...to move forward. At my age, when I feel those insecurities (the younger less developed though powerful) where did I direct myself, where did I turn for motivation to continue on and chug through? Did I have better coping skills and resources then?
     Rejection, it all comes down to that word, one that sounds like a small knife puncturing your skin, a spat out delicacy. My parts have worked out a way to manipulate and resort almost all of my negativity and self-esteem to that very noun. It's a realm that impacts, if not reigns over most of my thought process/being...in terms of the self. Where did it inspire from, originate...and why/how/when did it get this girth?
     Also, if it is notabley so common and very much present, why and how have I not developed some parts that brush it off? I'm conflicted and confused as to where I turn if it all translates to this same energy...

     It's raining over me a bit now and though inspiring some mindfulness, thoughts, and reflection...the silverlining itself is being thrown in another direction.

...but I refuse to lose sight of it...

No comments:

Post a Comment