the word that spat on majority~

     Where do you turn when you're feeling down, or so full of negativity? There are the easy recommendations everyone gets; go for a walk, seek out friends and loved ones, exercise...but realistically, where do you turn?
     I've been on an upswing for a while...and it's been splendid but I feel like I've set up this ornate and deeply intricate architectural foundation that's draped with a sheer brightly adorjned fabric. From the outside it seems sunny, a positive and genuinely content structure. Yes, everyone is far more complicated when you dig a bit deeper; I'm feeling like my parts have all worked very well together at supporting a positive influence or seemingly always (mostly) jovial character. Those happy parts have been embraced, lovingly accepted...so much so that these hard-hearted, hurt, negative parts have foolishly began to feel that possibley they too will be embraced.
     Lately, I've found myself resorting to sixth and seventh grade parts, the plastic smile slapped across a chubby, sweaty, and very ugly face. I had a lot of love and a wonderfully naive energy about me; I was genial, kind to others, but often compared to a "puppy dog." I followed others, handed out compliments like political stickers... gave lots upon loads of love while the self-hatred I posessed grew darker, stronger, and seemingly, still very much alive.
     This is a negative and 13 year old part guiding this post...but we all posess a younger part, maybe one we're proud of, jealous of, loving of, or ashamed of...there really are an infinite amount of emotions that are directed towards it.
     I feel like I can only learn from it, understand where in myself it found some sort of energy and inspiration to pretend, to protect...to move forward. At my age, when I feel those insecurities (the younger less developed though powerful) where did I direct myself, where did I turn for motivation to continue on and chug through? Did I have better coping skills and resources then?
     Rejection, it all comes down to that word, one that sounds like a small knife puncturing your skin, a spat out delicacy. My parts have worked out a way to manipulate and resort almost all of my negativity and self-esteem to that very noun. It's a realm that impacts, if not reigns over most of my thought process/being...in terms of the self. Where did it inspire from, originate...and why/how/when did it get this girth?
     Also, if it is notabley so common and very much present, why and how have I not developed some parts that brush it off? I'm conflicted and confused as to where I turn if it all translates to this same energy...

     It's raining over me a bit now and though inspiring some mindfulness, thoughts, and reflection...the silverlining itself is being thrown in another direction.


...but I refuse to lose sight of it...

Veganbeatin' Carrot Eatin' Cake'n Wedding blitzin~

     The other week I took on the task of making a wedding cake for the beautiful and brilliant VeganUrbanite! I used to bake back in the states and since I've kicked it Seoul-side, homes without ovens is the norm so my baking endeavors took a standing still...but then~ oven gifting, and itchin'n the kitch has granted me to time to kick it baking style~
     The cake made was a carrot cake~ and the frosting was a nearly raw almond cream cheese frosting~~

pre-mix~ photo taken by VeganBeats

VeganBeatin Carrot Eatin' Cake:
What you need: 

1. 2 1/2 C whole wheat flour (you can use all purpose if you're craving so)
2. 2 t baking soda
3. 3 t cinnamon (freshly ground)
4. 1 t ground ginger
5. 1 t baking powder
6. 1 t green tea salt
7. 1 c coconut sugar
8. 3/4 c brown sugar
9. 3 t ground flaw seed and 3 T water blended
10. 1 t pure vanilla extract
11. 1 c vegetable oil
12. 2 c organic shredded carrots
13. 1/4 medium pineapple chopped and shredded
14. 1 c shredded coconut
15. 1 c walnuts
16. 1/2 slivered almonds
17. 1 c raisins

What to do:

1. FIRST, get all the ingredients prepped up...shred those carrots, pulse and chop that pineapple and throw it all in a blender/magic bullet/whatever shreds like mad! This cake takes a while to make...
2. In one bowl, mix all of your dry ingredients
3. In a larger bowl, mix all the wet ingredients except the oil, carrots, and pineapple (along with nuts and raisins)
4. pour all of the dry ingredients into the "wet ingredient" bowl and do some more mixing
5. Stir in the carrots, pineapple, nuts, etc...
6. Smooth the batter into a 10inch round cake pan and bake at 350 degrees F (or 180 degrees C) for 40-45 minutes

***I doubled this recipe and made three cakes!!***

oh hey you~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Vegan cream cheese is not available Seoulside, there's no tofutti (whine whine whine) so this was a challenge. I've made mock cheeses and nut cheeses but cream cheese Aiiii~ I wanted to go with almonds and toyed around in the kitchen and came up with this lengthy process~ 

soaking and now removing all that skin...(photo taken by VeganBEats)

I started with a cream cheese and then when that was done...made the frosting~~

Raw Almond Cream Cheese:
What you need:

1. 1 c raw almonds
2. enough water to cover the almonds for 8+ hours...then another 1/3 c for later
3. 1/2 t green tea salt
4. 1 t lemon juice

What to do:

1. soak the raw almonds for 8 hours or overnight, after, rinse and drain them
2. blanch the raw soaked almonds by pouring boiling water over them and letting them sit in that jacuzzi for 5 minutes
3. remove ALL of the skins (it's hottttt)
4. add all of the ingredients into a blender and shred that ish up!!

***I TRIPLED this recipe***

Oh, Now you want frosting?!~

1. get all that yummy (COOLED) almond cream cheese and mix it with 1 c powdered sugar (I made my own coconut powdered sugar)
2. 1 t pure vanilla extract, got it? add it
3. a couple spoonfuls of vegan butter...yea add then it too
4. Blend that ish...then throw it in a fridge!

cream cheesy ~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     This cake was a lot of fun to make, but took a LONG time to make...luckily, my house smelled wonderful and I was in a little sensory heaven...minus the nomming part...

For another time!!!

All ready to go (VeganUrbanite did the decorating herself)~ photo taken by VeganBeats)

Loads of love to VeganUrbanite and David and positive vibes for their beuatiful (continuous) journey~~~

Eating Seoul...after a couple week (?) hiatus

     Whoa~ it's been a hella while! Where have I been?

     working...playing...baking...dancing...and inebriating...

     Since the camera and robbing jam, I've been trying to figure things out, naturally detaching from those "WHY ME!?" and "GODDAMNSHITBAGGINMOTHERPOOPINGCRUMBLYFACESNOTMUNCHER!" thoughts... I've been absent, not in life, but from the blog...aiaiai

     There is a silverlining though, there always is. I had a camera gigging promise and it fell on the Saturday right after the steal, but a wonderful Seoul reached out to me and lent me his camera. (Thanks Chris!!) Regardless of the favor, I was and am far more excited about the fact that I got to kick it with Chris, it's been far too long!
     We had plans to wander off in some restaurant, but it was closed. So we kicked it at his place, watched UFC, drank maekgoli, and ate some homemade DELISH miso soup~

oh hey you....I'm eat you...DEAL~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     The maekgoli was delicious...and hella strong! We shared a bottle and even after filling our bellies, got red-faced and tipsy!

Chris' miso soup~ ughhhhh (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     I barely ever have miso soup, and having some with a wonderful friend may have made it even better~ a friends making it for you, sharing it with you...BEST~~
     There has been a bunch of eats from the past that...well I'm going to lay on you~
Coco Bruni is a swank and pricey cafe that kicks it around Sinsa and Apgujang and during a lunch tutoring session I got a DANK loaded, vegan sando...but only after over half an hour of explaining what I'm not very keen on shoving down my throat.
      "No mayo."
      "okay."  and then five minutes later. "Mustard okay?"
      "Yeah! Sounds great!" and then ten minutes later.
      "The mustard sauce has mayo, is okay?"
      "Ahh, no mayo, so no thank you."
      "Ahhh, aiiii, what do we do...no mustard, no mayo, it;s not sanwichi."
      "....do you have balsamic?"
      "uhhh yes....but..." scurry to the back, conversin with the boss....shuffle back "balsamic is with salad, sanwichi maybe, okay, maybe...no, yes..."
     etc etc etc....

the monstrously delish sando~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     Well WELL worth the confusion! I got a toasted ciabatta sandwich filled with caramelised onions, slivered grilled zukes, slices of pumpkin, grilled balsamic eggplant, sweet tomato slices, green leaf lettuce, spicy green lettuce, sprouts, and a generously garlic kissed balsamic...they even threw in a salad...ughhhhh~
     Hit up hospital dining also...a buddy decided to climb trees...then snap them~

hospital 비빔밥...rice niente~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     I've also done some itchin'n'the kitch...'cooking' for myself lately has involved grab'n'go cucumbers or carrots...I've been translating the "I'm hungry" into cooking kitch challenges~~

jajangmyeon for breakfast?~ had mine with cucumber noodles~ photo taken by VeganBeats

chickpea, black-bean, pea burgers with a sesame, garlic, tofu-sauced salad bedded on top~ photo taken by VeganBEats

 Oh...and being summer I had my first official So Delicious ice-cream!! nom nom nom

chocolate mint chip~ photo taken by VeganBeats

     I got the chocolate mint chip~ perfect for a hungover and heated Sunday! SoulScience and I went for a bit of a wander, sipping and knocking back an orange hooch (hungover healers?) and indulged in these coconut sweetened vegan darlings~ I think he got the cherry amaretto...I didn't try it but it's got to be SO DELICIOUS!!!



ahhh I'm done, mind in gutter...growing up (phbbbt chyea)

anyways~ in the next couple days (or week) they'll be loads more posting...annnnd atem~

The Baker's Table: revisiting

     Lately my weekends have been chalk full of evening adventures, drink "tastings", music inspirations, and bed snuggles. I've slept in, enjoyed the comfort of my room, blankets, and AC~ I've been doing the weekend thing. I work a lot and when my days are free of any income-dependent activities...veganbeats is mellow~
     A couple Sundays ago I got out and bathed in the sun and got all sorts of productive and active. I started off with some giant iced coffee, legs cracking, and beats blaring and met with a beautiful Seoul over at The Baker's Table in Noksapyeong. Usually coffee does me more than well in terms of post-Saturday adventures, but the idea of hummus and a fresh Summer Salad was beyond deniable.

pita and hummus~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     Scrolling over the menu, Melissa and I chose the tomato and mango salad; it's naturally vegan! There's no cheese or honey or secret animal bits, just mangoes, tomatoes, sunflower seeds, balsamic dressing, a couple toasted slices of bread! Everything looked beautiful, bright, and sunny and tasted perfect. Sweetness from the mangoes paired well with the slight sweet acidity of the tomato, and the crunch of the sunflowers added great texture to the firm and soft textures of the fruits. The balsamic was great, as it always is, because honestly~ you can't go wrong with balsamic. Some people choose chocolate as an ideal death, but I'm all about the balsamic!! Drown me in that!

tomato mango salad~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     We also got some chilled white wine to bubble up a great date, day, and meal...while her kids (Bailey and Sadie) wound themselves around us, and we both got kisses of tipsy, the sun bore down on us and I know I was sweating. We both were game for adventure and trucked to Namsan to frolic around some dirt paths!

between the trees~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     When I'm in the woods and surrounded by nature I get lost in the wonders of the world...I realize and get connected with what is around me, what truly grants my body life... I miss trees, forests, woods, animals...I wish I was in  Fern Gully!!
     After playing in dirt for a while, Melissa and I ventured to a secret bar with a Beautiful view and got some mojitos while we watched the sun set over Seoul. I got a Shirley Temple (I found one!) and as the temperature cooled, the mint sat on our lips...I fell a little bit more in love with Korea. I know I sometimes spit some anger it's way, but at the end of the day, I am grateful.

mojitos and Shirley to bid the day farewell~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

Jungle Racing...and monkey poo~ready to race

     This week we all were granted a great day off, my original plan was to spend Tuesday night out causing all sorts of ruckus. Instead I made a meek attempt at getting rest so I could start Wednesday off with a Jungle race!! I was only running a 5k but my goal was to snap pictures, be a tigress, and beat my time from last year.
     In preparation for jungle madness, I bought Ajumma styled snow leopard pants and some Ajumma cheetah lingerie...the icing on the cake was tiger ears, tail, and bowtie~

Ready to Race~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     The sun was beating down, but spirits were high and everyone honored the jungle theme...well us foreigners did. Elephant thongs, Tarzan and Jane get ups, Flinstone garb...we were IN~ 

     My race was great, I kept pace, party rocked with LMFAO, AND beat my time~ 28 for a 5k versus last year's 30!

But...monkeys threw poo at my face when I went back to the race tent. 

     Everything of mine, my entire bag was stolen. My wallet, purse, change of clothes, phone charger, credit cards, id cards, sketchbook, schedule book, reading book, and....my camera. I keep realizing how much of my stuff is gone. I tried to remember an appointment I had...data book is gone, my drawing pens: gone, make up: gone, house keys: gone...I'm trying to keep face (ha) I wandered around and well...still hoping for a silverlining. 

post-race tiger~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     I had to rock the rest of the day in mismatched feline coats and sports gear. More shambles happened throughout the day~ tree climbing and concussing, hospital naps, rooftop BBQ's... 

     I wandered through Itaewon's area and spent time with wonderfully supportive and loving people but I wasn't in it. I'm feeling powerless and so stripped of things and I HATE this feeling. I am very uncomfortable of having to rely on others, not having my things in order, and not having the opportunity to escape from situations. It's shallow maybe to admit but...I was feeling so ugly and disheveled in my running gear while everyone is comfortable, showered (maybe), and put together. Ugh...self-consciousness and insecurities were feasting on my situation. 

Ugh~ bailing on this~~

     Focusing on positives:

1. had a productive Wednesday morning
2. hung out and met some really cool people
3. got to Party Rock with LMFAO
4. didn't get last place
5. I was a tigress/feline of some sort
6. I had fun,,,prior to stealing and pieces of time post
7. I took pictures...some, but I'll never see them
8. many people helped me out
9. I BEAT my 5k time from last year...this year~ 29 minutes

Yeah, I know it isn't amazing but...I can taste a faster time soon~

ugh...here's to hoping stuff comes up~

Best~

A smidgen of what's up~ ish

     My posts have been getting increasingly more sporadic as of late~ the natural "necessities" have been getting in the way, but that really isn't worth delving into! There really is only one direction to go, right?!~

photo taken by VeganBeats

     Anyways, figured I'll just post some food porn pictures of things I've eaten, or made, or played around with for the past week(s)!

slow roasted and cooked curry, chalk full of everything in my fridge that needed loving~
(photo taken by VeganBeats)

     On the way to work everyday, there's this teeny little lady selling trash bags loaded with veggies...I 've never bought anything, but it's impressive that everyday she provides this veggie service!

veggie granny~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     I want to eat more raw, cleanse the body, feel healthier, brighter, etc~ I'm loving the upswing so why not continue and support it right? This is one of the many raw things I played around with~

raw taco~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     Raw tacos, wrapped in big iceberg lettuce leaves is a avocado, tomato, onion, and spicy cucumber filling~ kicked with cayenne, chili, course sea salt, cambodian pepper, and sriracha~ I also threw in some raw tofu...verdict~ filling and delicious!!

I'll get some more vegan eats in...

Another weekend of adventure awaits!!

Focus on the positive swing...a list~

eye will focus~ (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     The upswing is drastically more enjoyable and motivating then any fall. When I scrape my knees and bleed, I (now am) trying to ignore and avoid the obvious disappointments. The hindering physical blows that cause me to falter. But, with enough chosen ignorance, disassociation from the negative, it explodes, or needles it's way through a smaller and lesser means of acceptance. It's as if a town will flood from the tear drop hole in a dam.
     I've been on a positive hike for a while, today some blows came at my face, but it's been building throughout this week. I haven't been preparing myself. My mornings have started to grow harder, my self worth growing more bruised with each passing minute. Yes this is an emotional vent of sorts, but...so is life. I'm putting in the ardent effort to focus and concentrate on the positive silverlinings in my life, as it is currently. I think maybe I've been milking the great stuff and not attending to the things that do trouble/burden me. This shushing has rumbled and it's hungry for attention. I've slipped a bit and need to re grip my shoes.
     I may have slipped, things may be pointing towards a "bad day" but these are the silverlinings I will direct my attention to, acknowledge the shit, but don't sit staring at it....flush it down.

1. art is back
2. I'm in Korea, in a foreign country full of opportunity
3. I am alive and breathing
4. I have two lovely animals as companions, friends, and snugglers
5. I have a roof over my head
6. I have enough money to provide for myself and the kids
7. I am employed
8. I can do yoga, run, stretch, be active
9. I can write and read
10. I have access to internet, a computer, luxuries in my life
11. I have a lot of beautiful Souls and friends around me
12. I am surrounded by inspiration and supportive people
13. I smile, and it's not forced
14. I have a beautiful family
15. I have a visa
16. I will have more time to devote to my passions
17. I am a survivor and strong womyn
18. my vocabulary is always growing
19. I am learning something new everyday
20. I have the luxuries and ability to choose vegan as a lifestyle
21. I have clean clothes
22. I have a shower
23. I have heat
24. I have air conditioning
25. I am not sick with a life-threatening disease
26. I get to teach the youth and be inspired by their child-like joy
27. I have a wonderful partner who is inspiring
28. I have a younger brother full of life and is also very inspiring
29. I am going to DJ fest this weekend
30. My friends are talented musicians and entrepreneurs 
31. I have a lot of music I love
32. My father has showed me so much in life
33. My mother has showed me so much in life
34. I have family in Korea
35. My family all has big supportive hearts
36. My cousin is having a boy
37. My other cousin just got married and is so happy
38. My friend's restaurant is doing so well, and he is chasing  his dream...he is inspiring
39. nearly 7 years ago, yoga was introduced to me
40. I get to do taebo
41. I can run and walk
42. I have an awesome camera
43. I am learning photography
44. I have been in love before
45. I have some girlfriends that are my sisters
46. My bestest and oldest friend is getting married later this year
47. I will be in America in December to celebrate with her
48. I have a big heart
49. I get to have a full day
50. I have this blog
51. I have access to endless opportunity
52. I will discover and learn more today,tomorrow, next week, etc. 
53. I have people that believe in me
54. My friends are all over the place
55. I get to hear stories all the time
56. I keep meeting new and inventive individuals
57. I am 25 years old
58. The weather is lovely
59. The sun is shining
60. I have a big ol'bed that I get to snuggle into later
61. I will get to travel around Seoul today
62. I will share time with learners today
63. I get to ride the greatest subway system around today
64. I have an iphone
65. I can easily call any of my friends or family today
66. I have many relationships that mean the world to me
67. I have a lot of paper
68. I have a lot of pencils and pens
69. I get to draw today, and sketch, and design
70. I have a creative mind
71. I am living
72. I am a contributing part of society
73. I can connect and communicate
74. I can speak some Korean
75. I am learning Korean
76. I am studying French
77. I have read over two-hundred or three-hundred books
78. I love
79. I care
80. I empathize
81. I have become a stronger and more assertive womyn
82. I am a survivor and fighter
83. I know my way around a kitchen
84. I am skilled with baking
85. I understand food elements
86. I have drank delicious wine
87. I have traveled to several countries
88. I have lived in several countries and plan on doing that more often
89. I have a vacation coming up
90. I will be able to rest
91. I am not colorblind
92. I was raised in a loving (and challenging) household
93. I am independent
94. I have a wall full of completed artwork
95. I am going to surprise someone I love with hopeful inspiration
96. I love to dance
97. I like my hair-color, though fake, I love it 
98. I have High Fidelity AND Detroit Rock City on my computer
99. I have the freedom to watch them later
100. I have seen so many wonderful musicians live

the list can go on...ahhh