hinting re-evaluations...worth deeply considering?

     Where do I stand...what do I want, what do I not want?

verging weeps (photo taken by VeganBeats)

     These are questions loudly and more frequently storming my mind...I'm discovering more unsettling things about myself...ones I've pushed aside or at least have aggressively tried to shove into back corners. 

     As strong as I (try to be) am...this tough skin is easily ripped. As straight faced as I attempt to be...tears press forward faster than a hateful (and protective) stare. 

     Korea has been...good. Reflecting over the past moments I've been here, I am grateful, thankful but the bluntness and lack of sensitivity many people claim Koreans harbor hasn't hit me until recently. I've come face to face with the blunt remarks and no matter the "trying" comfort from others...it's a stabbing fork swirling the intricate brain twistings. External confirmations of the internal screams...as shallow as this sounds: I wish I smiled when I looked in the mirror. I wish I was as confident as I try to sound. Damn, this may be vulnerable. 

     I'm not the only person feeling especially sensitive...women seem to experience this far more than our fellow men. So much critique and focus on our "flaws", our bodies, our qualities. 

     My friends...ugh...they so often talk about their insecurities, vocally criticize fellow women and...I try to understand whether this is just what "girls" do, competition, vocal self-reflections of personal worries,...beyond that, no, more personally~ it ruins my mental state. I hear my fellow ladies talk about another's outfit, how they feel too old, chubby, etc...it FREAKS me out. I start reflecting heavily, and deeply into what they must be thinking of me. How I am right, my inner fears are all correct...I want to live in shadows. Their concentration, and light chucklings of who's looking worse (that competition of 'no I look worse' 'no, I do') causes my parts to bury all of me into an all around negative state. I don't want to get so much attention on it...but...I'm reflecting that with some individuals...I feel worse. I feel horrid, disgusting, and like collapsing. Their insecurities, whether legitimate, true, or trending-strongly and very highly influences my personal distaste. (I'm not alone on this...I'm human~ deal) I'm discovering that in order to see something resembling self-preservation...maybe I can't be around these people. Or maybe I need to leave when I start hating on the self (louder than the usual buzzing dissociation) 

I'm not saying their selfish, they aren't...but, we're all sisters. We get enough shit for our physicalities and "idealistic" traits...I try to be beyond them, disregard them...but I own up to my hypocrisy~ as beautiful as women are, as strong and fierce as we are...as strong as I know I am: I feel like the ugliest person around- 

I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I do. So even though I am being hypocritical~ women, learn to love yourself, and in that stop hating on your sisters. 

It kills me...it is killing me.