Christmas and well....

What a Christmas here...was able to hang out with family, which was wonderful...and...a lot of friend time...much needed, much appreciated...
Apologies, my camera is taking a major break so the lack of pictures....my fault. ㅜ_ㅜ

Christmas eve started with...stress. But a decent couple cups full of anticipation!
Christmas party at my school...and I organized the whole thing. Tanslation, super chill day with my students involving free flowing conversation, games, crafts, games, joking around, and making presents, we were elves ^^*~
Background info, parents don't get presents on Christmas, they don't get thanked, they don't really get acknowledged for the immense spoiling they do. So, I planned these "secret projects" with all my kids...with Kindy A we decided to all write a book together, where we're the main characters! We also illustrated the entire book...the concept of "We're the artists!" got them really excited. We also used all the words from the semester and labled everything (this way the parents see that they'r ekids are learning!) and with everyone we made Calendars. All the kids illustrated key holidays and memories to represent each month, and they all labled important dates. Writing skills and month association: check! The kidsa were also pretty excited about having a secret from their parents...
We spent a lot of the day goofing around, practicing how we think their parents will react to getting a suprise present!
The reason it was stressful is because I had all the kids all day, no breaks, and no assistance. But whatever...I thoroughly enjoyed juct kicking it with my kids.

Then afternoon classes was more Christmas themed things...more free conversations and role playing. I think this is FAR more valuable in terms of learning any language, challenging yourself with communications. Read out of a book or butcher the language talking about things that you are interested in?
Didn't get out til super late...then headed home, wrapped presents super fast...then 강남 to Woodstock for a Disco party.
Perfect Christmas eve...I was getting a bit bummed, I miss Alex so much (baby brother!) and this is the first year we didn't have our silly tradition...whine!!
I didn't even get to bake cookies, or make edibles for people..I know doesn't sound that important but I truly love spending days in the kitchen making gifts, delicious noms for people...being artistic with food...I miss it really. Anyways, back to it. At the disco party, the whole crew was there...and everyone was merry. A kiss sad but I'm glad we were together. Lots of beer, loads of wine, many mix drinks flowing and some classic Disco...then some Irish Christmas music...and lots of singing.
There were moments of bliss, where it felt like Christmas...arm in arm we all yodeled music, laughing, hazy...love.

Then after, Jaxs, Mieon, and I went to Jaxs' place and she and I exchanged gifts. Jaxs is ...I can't even get into it...there will be a Jaxs post...
She got me a converse sneaker phone charm (!!!), a mirror phone charm, a super cute bag (Of happiness...we can anywhere you want), and a SHINee calendar!!!!
We then giggled, drunkinly watched Kpop videas, chatted, then snuggled...my sister, Jaxs, I love love love you^^*!~
Christmas morning happened, and I woke up early to meet up with Emo and her husband! We were scheduled to go skiing but instead went to Dragon Hill spa,  a 찜질봉!!! And my first one!! 찜질봉 are spas/saunas/resorts where you spend about 5,000 to 12,000 Won (depending where you go and what time you go) to take care of yourself. Salt rooms, coal rooms, steam, rooms, everything...I have been wanting to go for so long...and was soaking this in. Emo and I explored every room and...took rest at a massive chair that massaged your entire body...then we went to ceramic cupping. We got massaged and taken care of for 40 minutes...30,000W. Ceramic cupping is a process where heat froma  flame is used to suction out the toxin and blood of the skin. The benefits include improving circulation, improving headaches, speeding up metabolism, stimulating the digestive system,releasing toxis, activating the lymphatic system, and removing blockages in the colon. A side effect though, I have massive circular bruises all over my body!!

Anyways, I do feel better and cleaner...chyea. After Dragon Hill, my emo and I went to the sauna...and as saunas are here..strippes down and submerged out tired bodies into salt baths, warm aromatic waters...ahh. The naked thing got me a bit nervous, but I can't lie, I love nudity! Being amongst all those beautiful female bodies I had such a huge appreciation for women (can my appreciation grow more?!!). Nudity is something that is overwhelming if you are solely nude...but when your in a massive room full of naked people, the fact that there's nothing covering your body slips your mind...

After Dragon hill, met with my sumcheon, and my halmunio and harabagi..went to a tofu villiage restaraunt then went to my halmuni and harabagi's house. We celebrated Christine's brthday, then her and I danced to some Kpop...then Alan's Christmas party!


Things kept passing through my thoughts...a year ago...아직도 내가 흐느껴 울기
was missing Alex, the family back home, the other family back home (Bearquarium)...getting bummed, but promised to go out, and I did want to see the crew.
It was wonderful, lots of...shenanigans, "Happy Christmas's", laughing, dancing, catching up..and a competitive game of Yankee Swap! Lots of people got iced, lots of random gifts...
Then home...fellow Veg Head and I, George started trucking it back to the subway to try and get home before the last train. Biting frigid, bus never showed, and we missed the train. Ended up cabbing it home, had a wonderful cabby...snuggled into my pajamas, gather Hamlet and 고구마 and we watched some kpop, and fell asleep.

A good Christmas...
I'm so thankful for the friends I have here, the family I spent so much time with, the new experiences, the fun times...and the comfort and support through the sad times...

Getting into my head, a place I always fall into, no matter all the energy I put into being out of it, I'm in it. Add feeling uncomfortable, a bit off set, and little homesick...and alcohol, teary 새희 was inevitable. Thank you Caggy, Mieon, and Jaxs...truly.
Just thinking about last year, >_<# last year. A different place, mentally, emotional, and truly physically...
I've put so much energy into dissociating from how I really feel about/ every extension of my emotions I have put nearly all my energy into covering them up, hiding them, ignoring them..and like worms they keep wriggling their way out of the ground, screaming for light, for acknowledgement...to be seen, addressed, heard. I can't allow that, not yet...I don't know when. It has influenced and continues to influence so much...so dissociating clearly hasn't been very effective...but what can I do? If I allow the smallest bit to seep through, it will explode, further overwhelm me. A dam with a crack, the pressure will break the dam.

The presence is a constant and continuous reminder that I have yet to address, yet to acknowledge the pain, support, love, concern, care...everything in that regard. A simple message of "I'm here, I exist" is enough to halt my focus, cause and create complete disarray, and welcome a cascading stream of tears.

Dissociating is not working...how do I portion these all out in tolerable amounts, moderation is not one of my strengths. It's always extremes, too little, too much...or nothing. Where's the gray area? What is a gray area?

Call to me first, make this easier...where's the easy button? Staples you lie...

I