Speachless (Boston)

     There's been a lot of focus and attention directed at the safety and potential danger "living" and thriving in Korea. I know there's been a lot of news circulating the risks of an attack by North Korea and in result of that, I've been getting more than a fair share of concerned e-mails, messages, phone calls, etc. All of the senders and callers being from outside of Korea. People here, in Seoul have paid very little to no attention to the threats expressed. Everyone continued on with their daily lives; went to work, drank with friends, went to school...I got nervous. But purely from the concerns of international loved ones. The frantic emails I received fed a very anxious and obsessed part of me, my nails have suffered. I started to draw up plans of escape, chattering away like a drugged-up chipmunk, poking at my partner's nerves, tearing up at the very idea of losing friends, loved ones, my girls...my life. I was unwillingly consuming the fear that was being given to me. I was having a hard time looking away from it; it was if I was immobile and stuck in a looping video.
    Given panicking and actually conceiving the idea of losing so much and so many here, I've neglected a lot. This blog, art, peace, calm...I don't think my loved ones realized or recognize that their concern provided a generally greater danger to my self...in many ways. I am here, I am in this life here, Koreans are around me, I  am contacting the embassies often, my friends are in the army here...surely if an attack or threat was pending, there's be some noise. Reason wasn't being made...and the high-pitched squeals of concern got me annoyingly panicky. I was, in my opinion, being force-fed US news, and international story coverage. The fear inspired by ignorance (and maybe boredom) struck great distress in those not here, not close to N.Korea, not physically aware and invested in what is actually occurring in the lives here. Granted, this can all be quickly dubbed as ignorance on my part...I'm not omniscient, but I am able to step back and now, now observe issues that are pressing with the population here.
    I'm present again, grounded, grateful, and significantly less distraught...I'm painting, drawing, and designing; substituting living with fear with general presence. 

    I wrote this all a day or two ago, feeling better gathered and collected, relaxed. That is until earlier yesterday morning I discovered that my city, Boston is now in healing and pain. The Boston Marathon is something we're so proud of, so excited for, so grateful for. It's a celebration and adventure that lives on many "life lists." I know that I myself would someday love to take part in the marathon. People from all over the world collect together in Beantown to test their bodies, achieve their goals and dreams, raise awareness, prove themselves, live their spirit, be present, test, love, and live...to live.
    I didn't discover what had happened until I "liked" my friends status about how his heart was with Boston. I liked it due to Boston pride, a genuine love for my city. Seconds later, I saw so many more "Boston love" statuses being shared..."what's going on?" I googled Boston and the pages and pictures of crying faces, blood covered streets, twisted pained faced, lost limbs flooded my eyes and saturated my brain.
     My heart stopped, my chest heavy, my eyes pressured. My city? This marathon? This event? Boston...this city that holds onto so many memories and adventures, so many memories, try outs, jobs; the place where Jaxs, Vicki and I went when we ditched the High school homecoming, where I met with Ian to check out photography, where I saw so many shows, where I drove through every time I went to Vermont, where I went to a parade to every year with my family...my city.
    Then I saw the loads of support, the love, the Bostonians rushing into the shrapnel, smoke, and blood to help those in agony, in shock. I saw people being wheeled out, rushed to hospitals, people running to donate blood, posts of homes being opened up to strangers...Support.
    I then saw angered people on facebook posting completely insensitive and inappropriate statuses where blame and hatred was spewed. Pointing their fingers at Muslims, Jordanians, Saudi's, North Koreans, etc. I grew further saddened and disappointed. That is not what Boston is about, what we are...that abhor is not what America needs to be and should be. The quick backlash and hatred directed at those that are unknown, different, foreign ..the reality is that the awful monsters that committed such violence and hatred and disruption of joy and peace could be American, could be the "American norm." The hatred and negativity is apparent, and their is anger, but now...most importantly is there must be love and support. For those affected, those that lost their lives, those that had lives lost, those that are troubled, scared, damaged, in critical condition, for Boston and for the people that took part in this marathon.
    I do believe that those responsible will be found and held accountable. I believe Boston will continue to be the city I am so in love with and proud of. I believe that people will come together and do what's right and just. I have a lot of hope and love for what happened, and a lot of sadness. The barbaric and horrific actions taken by so many, the bombers, the accusers, the bias, racist, sexist, and hateful~ you are out numbered by the good, the loving, the caring, compassionate, and the positive.