I had plans earlier to meet with Amy and some people, but snow prevention...still positive day though! Played outside, went for a walk, explored a bit and took a lot of time to think (figures eh!) Watched Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind and forgot how much I really enjoy this film...definately brought on a load of sadness and distant desires...much needed, dissociative parts are too strong and overwhelming on my system, forced film triggering is necessary...네 I sound emotional, I am emotional...and need(ed) to be.
While the emotional rollercoastering has been something I am growing ever more accustomed to, and maybe sadly comfortable with...I all to often call to those dissociative parts. The instant wall builders, emotional barriers...I never handle them in appropriate times, usually alone or never at all...a continuously shakin champagne bottle, ready to explode..."you can wait, keep shaking...." then when completely unprepared and potentialluy forgotten...destructive, unprotected, unstoppable explosion.
That happened earlier, in October. Had a not so well-timed conversation and everything exploded, the ignored thoughts and emotions were ripped open because one statement, one look lightly kissed something else and...done for.
This movie was needed.
I've been holding back from myself, and realize I always address it so. I am fully aware of my effort filled attepted ignorance, I am in touch with my mind and thoughts and emotions but try to siphon out the really...really deep hidden stuff. Parts of me are too fearful to address those back-burner ridden thoughts because, if I do get through them, over them...maybe then it will truly never exist. As much as it sucks, I'd rather hold onto those memories them risk them truly being erased from my life...
and the film tie in~
This movie got me realy reflecting on this, I would never choose to intentionall y erase all of the experiences that we shared...rather I would go through this process to re-live them. Jim Carrey's character, Joel travels into his memories, the brain map, and relives the memories of his relationship with Clemintine (Kate Winslet.) In efforts to get over here, and move past her, he wants to erase everything Clemintine...finding that he wants to hold on to some of the memories... I'm in that position, somewhat, except I don't want to lose anything... I see couples and instead of genuine envy, I find this heavy swelling building in my chest...a heaviness I can't explain, one I can't purge out of my system. My eyes well, my shoulder sag, and thin strings seem to tug at every follicle...immediate calls to dissociative parts. Before my eyes can shed anything, I shake everything off...instant guards... I see relationships and grow weary, tired, and wishful...time travel...freezing time, if I had the power...the ability. I am aware of my strength, and my power, but the ability to fully block the tears is something I have not yet been able to accomplish. Crying is healthy, but I am exhausted. I appreciate a good cry, crying is a beautiful and ugly thing, a true oxymoron- but I desire thoughts a reflection with their absence. If they were absent, it would only mean erasing. There's this strange balance I seek...but only within my ideal guidelines...I want my way, I always want everything my way.
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